Feel terrible

Willsnarf1983

8pnoodles wrote:

I am a control freak, .

Personally that statement says it all. Yes he may be over his overdraft but if your nannying him all the time the only thing he will do is rebel!

Stop smothering him and take some pressure of both yourself and him!, you didn't mention the 11k he has paid of his debts in the last statement, can he no just pay the mins on these or not?

Can you not go visit him? Does he have to spend the money to come see you all the time?

Also one last thing

if say petrol to you and back is £40 and decides he doesn't have that yet spends £10 on drinks because that is what he can afford so bad? What would you rather he did, sat on his todd on prob the worst night of football this year!

Will

skintchick

Emmzi wrote:

Here's an idea.

Stop talking about money completely, for 2 weeks. Keep on with all your good work, but don't talk about it.

See what happens.

Right now he *knows* you are taking care of things.What happens when he's not so sure?

If you keep being the 'parent', he'll keep being the child. Have a small experiment where you just..stop.

I think this is excellent advice. Being in the Army means he is used to things being sorted for him and people telling him what to do. They are not usually encouraged to think for themselves too much, because they have to work as a tight unit and questioning things in teh field isn;t a great idea.

So drop off his radar for a bit. Don;t talk about the wedding money at all. don't say how much you're saving. Perhaps let go a little yourself so he starts to worry where the wedding money is coming from.

I agree with your friend to be honest. If I were you (and I'm not so take this as lightly as possible) I'd be worried about marrying him. I'd want him to live on his own for a bit and learn how to take responsibility for money.

But then I'm harsh and a control freak.

Basically I think you do need to let him getr bothered about thgis himself, to take responsibility for it.

As emmzi said, you need to let him be an adult for a bit. And if he can;t be...well, then oyu have some thinking to do.

Hugs though honey. Life is so hard sometimes isn;t it?

Willsnarf1983

8pnoodles wrote:

He's trying hard to be fair - for him it's hard, but for me sometimes it isn't enough.Evidently, again look back at the 11k in 18 months

Someone once told me that when guys have been in the army their whole life, they don't get what it's like to worry about not having a roof over your head or not being able to eat for a couple of days until you get paid (been there, a jar of peanut butter saved me lol).

He isn't good with maths (found out only recently) and he is struggling to learn spreadsheets (but still learning)Again trying and not quitting.

I had to nag him repeatedly to register to pay for tax when he started his business, he didn't get what a big deal it was! So no I don't think I can just leave him to his own devices because at the end of the day we both want to get a mortgage in a few years time, and it'll affect me hugely if he messes up with money.

I'm not that controlling with him (made that mistake with my ex) and for the last few months he's got worse and worse and I've not complained or kicked up a fuss I've just let it go. But with the wedding so close I'm now thinking either we don't have some of the stuff we wanted, or I'll have to pay for it, and that's a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach I just don't need. He assures me things will be ok, and I still pretty much believe him, despite him saying that for the last few months and it getting slowly worse and worse instead.Personally i reckon this wedding is geared more to you than him and that maybe why he is less inclined to save the money...ask him what he wants and doesn't want from the wedding

I was happy to let it all go anyway, but I guess I'm just annoyed he wrote me a ten page email still ranting about the subject (and going on about someone needing an engagement ring, and him having to pay petrol to come see me) after I thought we were all fine and happy again last night.least he didn't bottle it up and then blow later, would you rather not know his true feelings?

He is also furious with my best mate, and I don't want them to fall out (not that they see each other much) not least because she is my bridesmaid. I'm annoyed at myself for telling him what she said, I guess this is the punishment I get for being stupid enough to tell him.

Feel like I'm trapped between loads of annoyed people and no matter what I say it just seems to make it worse.

All i can say is stop mothering him. And maybe congratualte him on the money he has paid of his debts

CosmoCat

football does strange things to football fans, and weddings do strange things to women.

first of all (((((hugs)))))), arguments are not nice. arguments about money more so. money is one of the leading breakup causes in relationships, and we can all see why. i would think that this is something that you have to address before you can even think about the wedding. this problem (if it is a problem) will not go away after the wedding. and if you have serious concerns about it now, those concerns will not become less after you are married.

if you are a control freak (as you say), then this is something that you also need to address before you tie the knot. do you think that he would want to be married to someone who has such a tight hold over all matters in the relationship (not saying you do, but maybe you might try to)? do you think that this behaviour will lead to many more arguments and eventually an expensive divorce?

thirdly, weddings are supposed to be joyous celebrations of your union to be shared with family and friends. if it is stressful, don't do it. if you look at your wedding plans and all you can see is the £ signs, then don't do it. (I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh, it really doesn't mean to be). there is really no reason in the world to go through with a wedding if you're going to stress over it and not focus fully on the happiness of the day and what comes after. If you think he's not pulling his weight financially when it comes to the wedding and this really upsets you, why bother?

the way i see it (and this is only my opinion, which does not make it absolute truth), you really need to give both him and yourself a break. he's done mega well with paying off £11 off his debts and he only spent a tenner last night. give him a break. you are undertaking the stress of being a dfw and planning a wedding, and sorting your life out to be closer to him. give yourself a break. look at the bigger picture. have a hard look at your perceived future and see if this is what you want.

i wish you all the best, and brighter, better days ahead.

(p.s. talk to him, tell him your concerns, tell him you love him and make up with him...life's too short)

poppycracker

(((((((8p))))))) I did a double take when I read your original post, I thought I'd done it in my sleep last night!!! My OH is like yours. He seems to think money grows on trees and is perfectly willing to go out and spend £100's on shopping even though he KNOWS that we won't have any money at the end of the month. At the moment, we have nothing until Wednesday. But at least we live together.

I agree with what most of the other posters have said. Keep up with the good sense but don't forget to treat yourself every so often. And also, just leave him to it for a while, see what happens. Men are funny creatures, the more you push them to do something, the less likely it is that they will... Text him and tell him you are having a couple of days to yourself and then turn the phone off. You'll feel more like you used to feel about him once you've taken some time out.

At the moment, my OH is sitting in the sitting room blaring his music and I'm relagated to the computer room. We got into an arguement about money yesterday and he's hardly spoken to me since.

LookingAhead

Hey noodles. How are you today my dear?

You've got quite a bit of data to wade through there haven't you?

I hope you two get this sorted out. For what it's worth here is my two penneth in a nutshell:

The £10 on beer isn't really the issue. However it has been a catalyst for all the underlying issues that have been around for a while now and the wedding plans/stress clearly aren't helping.

I agree with Emmzi....just don't talk about money for a while. It's been inflammatory and keeping on about it now won't help. The inflammation needs to go down!

Look at the good stuff your boyfriend has done. That £11k is a great deal of cash. He's also under stress starting up his photography business.....he won't want it to fail, he won't want to be seen to be someone who can't look after his new wife as well as himself. Well done him for starting his own business though, I really wish I could work for myself at times but I have no obvious skills to peddle (no rude comments please...).

Dump the baggage of yesterday's beer & football, isolated it's no big deal at all. You need to look at the deeper issues but right now maybe not the ideal time. I think you both need to calm down & have some quiet time.

Sometimes we all need to bite our tongues and even if we think we are being 'weak' by not having it out with people or whatever, but we're not really. We're being mature & rational and seeing that a bit of calm & quiet is all that is needed for the time being.

Good luck though noodles, I really hope it gets sorted soon.

8pnoodles

All sorted now (I think!). He apologised for sending me that email last night. Says if he could he'd turn back time and never get into debt.

Thing is, all this is a fairly isolated incident, normally we're both pretty good and we've never once argued about money before. He has agreed for us to do spending diaries once we're living together and will have an equal say in the budget we draw up. After once month we'll sit down and reevaluate. We do both have a lot of financial plans together about the next few years, normally we do work really well together as a team. Yes my talent is being the organised one and his talent is for supporting me emotionally if things go horribly wrong. It's the way we work and it keeps us fairly happy. That's why I'm marrying him!

He knows I'm a control freak and I do apologise to him for it. He understand it makes life hard for me, but I've been this way forever and I can't suddenly snap out of it, sometimes it creeps up on me.

The wedding, despite being a budget one by normal wedding terms has got a few pressures of it's own. We both desperately want to get married as we can't live in married quarters until we get hitched. And we can't afford to live together and he can't afford to move out of the camp until we are hitched.

Once we are married he won't have to drive for hours to see me and won't spend a fortune on the phone or texting either. He's had to keep all his receipts for petrol since starting his business and said it's scary seeing how much he spends. So I think a spending diary would help him, but he won't do one until after the wedding.

So it's both of us trying to keep our sanity until then.

Sorry to get all soppy for a minute, this is the text he sent me; "Baby I hate arguing with you. You get upset and that breaks me. I am meant to protect you from all the badness in the world and I'm meant to be the one who comforts you. Not the other way around. I love you so much and I can't wait to be with you forever because it should help us be better at this."

Thanks for everyone who replied to this. Why aren't you all outside sunbathing??

LookingAhead

Because we are all in here waiting for your next update!

So glad things are back on an even keel for you.

Draw a line under it now and be patient. It's great he has said he will do the spending diaries when you are married and I'm sure it'll work as you'll keep him motivated.

For me, that text just says a lot. He wants to look after you = he wants his business to be a success = pressure. Also, you need to give him a chance to control you a bit...you never know you might enjoy it!

(I have to say I think I am the one in mine & OH's relationship who sorts everything out, makes a lot of the decisions etc but I realised a while ago that I had to stop or I would turn him into some awful Mummy's Boy type thing. So I purposefully step back at times, from making decisions or I physically stop myself from doing something/saying something and let him do it....whatever the outcome. If things go Pete Tong then so be it. He'll learn and it won't happen again.)

Keep that text!! I still have 2 from my OH from the years 2002 & 2003!

CosmoCat

i just wanted to say i'm so glad that you both have made up.

as LA said, keep that text, refer to it often. know that he never means to hurt you deliberately. and love him always.

all the best to you both.

8pnoodles

He always sends me texts like that though, I know, I am a very lucky girl!

Just wanted to add, the reason we're spending what we are on the wedding is because it's my second marriage and his first. I don't want him to feel second best so despite doing the whole thing on a HUGE budget, we're still having a fab ceremony, bridesmaids, guys in uniform (his mates) instead of ushers, reception with sit down meal, for about 60 people, three tier wedding cake, evening buffet, giant garden games, two chocolate fountains (mini ones) one milk one white chocolate, DJ in the evening and a posh first night hotel room with a four poster bed. He is a romantic in between pretending he is a tough guy (and don't get me wrong he loves to boss me around just as much! He may be in the army but half his job is telling peope what to do and shouting at them when they don't do it). I don't think we're missing anything a normal huge traditional wedding would have. This is what he wants, we discussed going abroad and doing it cheap but he said he wanted his whole family to celebrate. And he wants me in the full white dress, veil (wasn't gonna have one but he begged!), etc.

So... I spent weeks on the internet and came up with a ton of cost cutting ideas, he make our wedding invitations using a photo he did of my engagement ring, reception in a pretty little village hall, sit down meal is a catered BBQ so dead cheap, his parents are paying for the evening buffet, our chocolate fountains were from empirestores.co.uk using their discount codes, my wedding dress is a stunner but cost £99 (brand new) from ebay, my £350 wedding ring is free, using clubcard vouchers, we're going to alton towers for our joint stag/hen do as it'll be up the road from where we get married and we're saving vouchers to get in for free, I'm using leisure vouchers from Pigsback (so free) to pay for not only my hotel room the night before the wedding to get ready in, but also another £20 as a thankyou present for his parents so they can go out for a meal, I got a free pashmina from Comfort which is my mum's thankyou present, etc, etc, etc.

*and breathe!*

We're even having proper dance lessons as it's his dream to do a formal wedding dance (sometimes I do wonder if he might be gay, he's more into this stuff than I am - it's a running joke with my mates) so we've gone onto https://www.dancingfordessert.com and bought the instructions for how to do the rhumba for something like a fiver, and we'tre quite good at it now! lol Beats £250 for proper dancing lessons! I'm getting my hair done by a mate as a wedding present, an aunt is making our wedding cake (she does it professionally) and doing my own makeup. And lastly he has said as I've spent more on the wedding than him any stuff I sell I get to keep the money (keep forgetting he's said that) which will be between £2-300ish back.

Phew.

So... we're getting there.