Feel terrible

8pnoodles

Just really down. I'm having my "no spend" week this week and I'm trying really hard - I had gone into my overdraft last month so I'm doing this to get back on track and stay out of it this month.

So far I've sacrified a leaving do night out for a workmate, buying chocolate/comfort food, and generally I've spent the weekend cooking stuff from random ingredients I've found in the cupboards and basically being really good. My bloke is a photographer part-time and I am trying to learn photography, doing a load this weekend so I can help him out.

He is very broke too so he hasn't come down to see me this weekend as he couldn't afford the petrol. He said he was walking into town today so he didn't spend money on petrol. He said he was going to buy me a birthday present but I told him not to as he couldn't afford it and we have an agreement of no birthday presents this year. He reluctantly agreed. Next thing I know he's texting saying he's watching footie from the pub. After the football, he said he was staying for one more beer. As far as i know he's still out drinking.

I'm wondering whether the amount he's drinking would have cost the same as a train ticket to come down so we could spend the weekend together?

I'm wondering why i'm making all these sacrifices when he doesn't seem so bothered.

He's in more debt than me, he was over his overdraft limit (!!) last month, but has taken huge steps to sort things out recently. He has been doing really good and normally he doesn't really go out. Just really feel down and upset that he's out drinking, spending money he doesn't really have, while I'm sitting at home watching tv and drinking a glass of water.

Might have to break into the 84p bottle of perry I have in the kitchen...

pattiemay

Hi, sorry to hear you're down, I can relate to how you are feeling but if as you say, this is a one off and he normally good he may have just got caught up in the football thing-cant get away from it can you, he may be drowning his sorrows now anyway. I suppose we all fall off the bandwagon so to speak every now and then, but it dont help if you're doing the opposite does it. Hope this is a one off - have a drink and see what happens tomorrow (dont get drunk it makes you feel worse).

viccig

Hi, I can totally empathise with you right now. My partner is going bankrupt and things are REALLY tight at the moment and I could go on and on with the sacrifices I have made to keep our heads above the water, I have withdrawn the last £30 out of our bank account that must last us untill the 7th when the tax credits go in. we are going to need nappies and milk for our son in the next couple of days. My o/h has gone out ( we had a fight about money!) and I dont know when he will come back! Fabulous!:mad: I am sick to death of going with out and when he wants something he gets it.

You drink your perry love, I am drinking a bottle of wine which was a holiday present from his mum :beer:
Keep making the sacrifices, but treat yourself once in a while, I know I probably should, you will see the benefit in the long run. I know its frustrating at times, but if you ever need a chat (or a whinge, I might just whinge back) pm me

oops_a_daisy

awwww (((((HUGS))))) 8pnoodles. You are not alone tonight - all the rest of us DFwannabees are here to keep you company. I think somebody has already said the we all fall off the wagon sometimes and it may seem worse for you right now because you are doing the right thing. Have a pamper evening and try to put it out of your mind, paint your nails or have a nice bath with a good book and of course your glass of wine :beer: Your doing really well, dont let this set you back. All the best and good luck

PeachPickle

*hugs* noodles

8pnoodles

Thanks guys. I texted him and he's said he only spent a tenner, and that he says he's been telling me to go out all weekend anyway. What am I supposed to go, stick it all on my credit card? I'm trying to be good and save my money so next weekend when he's on leave for two weeks I have some money to spend with him, as it's our joint birthday and we're going camping.

Just don't quite get where he thinks the money is coming from. We've got a wedding coming up and I've spent more on it than him, he still won't do a spending diary.

To be fair he's paid £11k off in the last 18 months. So he is good, or fairly good. But it's all starting to take it's toll, and wedding stress and me not having seen him in a fortnight is all getting a bit much.

viccig

It must be really hard not seeing each other, especially when funds are tight for train tickets etc. It sounds like he is trying, but as already said falling off the bandwagon is soooo easy (if not good for us in moderation) i just think its hard to find a happy medium sometimes, we have to enjoy ourselves, but we have to get rid of our debts to give ourselves a better quality of life in the future. You hang in there, it'll not be long before you see each other again, and you have your camping holiday together to look forward to!

waveryder

I have been there before, It's the worst feeling in the world!

piglet6

Hi Noodles,

Sorry to hear about other half...:undecided I know I am a bit late with this post but I hope you had your perry! From experience of a long distance relationship (we had a "year abroad" as students in 1993-94 - I was living in France/Spain (studying and getting no cash! :eek:) and OH in Florida (in a pretty privileged position - paid job, housing/car provided, etc) :rolleyes: and I know how miserable it can feel when you can't be close to the one you love - I regularly had to scrape around to buy a phonecard just to speak to him...and remember the treks out to the phone boxes in the middle of the night in the middle of winter just so that I could call him after he had finished work in the evenings (time difference meant this was 1am/2am for me - and in the Alps, where I was living at the time, it was not an un-chilly experience at that time of night!!)!!! What we didn't realise at the time was that his employers paid his phone bill for the year - blimey, we may have spoken a great deal more if we had know than he wasn't going to be re-billed for his calls "at a later date" !!!! Certainly, he would have paid for the "Lion's share" of the calls - we did the "you call this time, I'll call next..." thing!

However, my feeling is that if you can overcome this, you will be a lot stronger in the end :T (we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this week - so I guess it really can work out! :rotfl: ). I don't know if the wedding you refer to is your wedding or somebody else's that you are attending together, but well done you on cutting back so that you can afford to budget for it better.

£11k paid off in the last 18 months is a fantastic amount, so I would suggest trying to write off any anger about £10 for tonight if you can manage it (£10 would barely cover a train ticket anywhere...;) . Keep your mind on that camping holiday - it will be great when the two of you are together, and all your scrimping and saving is making for a happier future for the pair of you when you get to be together eventually.

Piglet

newleaf

Hi Noodles,
Hope you feel better this morning. The World Cup only comes round every 4 years, and men think differently about that kind of thing, so I hope you will let your OH off for last night. It's over for England now anyway, so he has no alternative but to concentrate on you! Good luck with your saving, it'll all be worthwhile soon.

8pnoodles

Thanks guys, we had a huge "discussion" about it last night.

And I thought it was sorted. But I've woken up to find a huge email in my inbox about him ranting saying he's done this that and the other with money and justifying his actions (sent at 2am). I can see this dragging on for longer now.

Basicaly I spoke to him a week or so ago as I was really worried he was over his overdraft but I didn't wanna have an argument about it so half let it go. But was still wound up so I emailed my best friend about it. She she emailed back saying I shouldn't bail him out and do I really wanna marry a guy who may always be in debt, etc. This upset me and I sent her a long email back saying how fab he usually is. I stupidly (I blame the perry) told my bloke about the email and said that's why after I'd written how great he was, I was upset cos he went out.

And now basically he's gone ballistic about what my mate said. *sigh*

I've tried to tell him she is only looking out for me, and she's had really bad experiences with men and money and that's why she thinks like that, etc, etc, plus I've been divorced before so she is trying to be helpful, etc although misguidedly.

I thought I'd calmed him down but reading the email this morning - obviously not.

Not sure what to do any more.. leaving the country might be a good idea.

What REALLY bugs me is every time he says where all his money has gone he inadvertently blames me. He is always saying how much his phone bill is (ie. my fault because he has to call me so much), how much he spends on petrol(which he uses to come see me) and apparently even the credit card he ran up was my fault because when he met me it had only £800 on it, and after being with me for a bit it shot up to £3k. It's my fault too cos he had to buy me an engagement ring this year.

And the rest of his cash has gone on a speeding fine of £300 (apparently the motorway's fault - long story) and fixing his car which needed new tyres and brake discs and tax in the same month (I've been telling him for a year now to put money aside for his car and he puts it aside - then spends it).

Getting fed up of this.

He said me and my mate seem to think he has no outgoings, that he has lots of money and that's not true. Err... when did I think that? I've written out his SOA and he DOES have £545 now spare cash, AFTER his debts have been paid off, accounting for a phone bill of average size and accounting for him spending £240 to come see me. And accounting for him taxing and insuring and servicing his car. His food is paid for in the cookhouse but he doesn't always eat there, he often buys his own food. I ask him to do a spending diary but he won't at the moment.

And you know how much spare cash I have? I have whatever's left out of £90 once I've bought my food for the month (which is basically £0).

He even said he went out last night because if he'd stayed in he would have spent more than £10 in food and drink and stuff to eat that night.

Can anyone see my problem? I kinda don't know what to do.

What worries me is he'll be living on less cash when we move in together cos he'll have to pay household bills for the first time and that worries me a bit.