Feel terrible

mountainofdebt

Am so sorry that this seems to be blowing up out of all proportion.

You are both under alot of pressure what with the wedding, having a long distance relationship and the worry of money.

Be honest now...how is he generally with money? Does money burn a hole in his pocket or is he usually very good? If its the former then I must admit there could be problems unless the both of you sit down and be honest with each other about your attitude with money.

However if its the later then I think perhaps humble pie is called for - explain to him that whilst you over-reacted to the news of him going out, you are worried about the finances but you can't fight the battle for both of you , you need his help as well.

I don't know if this would help but have a hug in the meantime

Emmzi

8p,

important rule of blokes: NEVER listen to anything they say after midnight, especially not after beer. Even a little beer.

Leave it until you can see him face to face.

If you have concerns, remember when you are hitched
1. no joint accounts
2. no joint accounts
3. no joint accounts

My bloke is also pants with money. I have to learn to ignore it until he's ready to change. On the plus side, now he is jobhunting he is realising how much he *should* have saved from last contract.. think it'll be easier next time...


xx

ZTD

8pnoodles wrote:

Thanks guys, we had a huge "discussion" about it last night.

And I thought it was sorted. But I've woken up to find a huge email in my inbox about him ranting saying he's done this that and the other with money and justifying his actions (sent at 2am). I can see this dragging on for longer now.

Well first of all, :grouphug: I can see you're down about this. Arguing about anything is never pleasant, but money is just about the worst.

8pnoodles wrote:

Not sure what to do any more.. leaving the country might be a good idea.

No it isn't a good idea. Nor is cutting his throat - the pleasure is only momentary and it will get you talked about.

8pnoodles wrote:

What REALLY bugs me is every time he says where all his money has gone he inadvertently blames me. He is always saying how much his phone bill is (ie. my fault because he has to call me so much), how much he spends on petrol(which he uses to come see me) and apparently even the credit card he ran up was my fault because when he met me it had only £800 on it, and after being with me for a bit it shot up to £3k. It's my fault too cos he had to buy me an engagement ring this year.

And the rest of his cash has gone on a speeding fine of £300 (apparently the motorway's fault - long story) and fixing his car which needed new tyres and brake discs and tax in the same month (I've been telling him for a year now to put money aside for his car and he puts it aside - then spends it).

Getting fed up of this.

He sounds like someone who can not or will not take responsibility for his own actions. I maybe am being too harsh, you'll have to post the opinions of your friends who know him (not your opinions - you're biased and hence an unreliable witness :rolleyes: )

8pnoodles wrote:

He said me and my mate seem to think he has no outgoings, that he has lots of money and that's not true.

He has no outgoings. That's why he can't fill in a spend diary. Isn't that right?

8pnoodles wrote:

He even said he went out last night because if he'd stayed in he would have spent more than £10 in food and drink and stuff to eat that night.

That's complete rubbish, and just another symptom of the above. The £10 isn't really a problem - it's only £10, but the spouting of complete botox everytime he is asked why he did things, is a problem.

8pnoodles wrote:

Can anyone see my problem? I kinda don't know what to do.

I can see your problem. He. However, I don't really have many ideas on how to tackle it. He seems to be in denial, how you break that though, I don't know. Try asking him what his debt-free date is. He will probably need help working it out. It might come as a shock. It might even be enough of a shock.

I would leave it a couple of days (not weeks!) to test the water and see if the email rant was a one off, or a part of something deeper. Did the alcohol create it, or just unearth it?

I would also suggest that alcohol and money don't mix. If either of you have been drinking, it's not a good time to talk about money.

8pnoodles wrote:

What worries me is he'll be living on less cash when we move in together cos he'll have to pay household bills for the first time and that worries me a bit.

Does he live with his parents?

Just as a general thing, always buy each other birthday presents, but put a strict and low spend limit on. A £10 present usually has more thought put into it than a £100 present, and it's the thought that counts.

Edible undies aren't that expensive - chocolate and exercise in one package - perfect. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Willsnarf1983

8pnoodles wrote:

To be fair he's paid £11k off in the last 18 months. So he is good, or fairly good. But it's all starting to take it's toll, and wedding stress and me not having seen him in a fortnight is all getting a bit much.

11k is enourmous in 18 months and if he has had a blow out on a tenner then i think your being way OTT. It may put him in debt but its not like he's splurging all over the place and not living up to his respsonsibilites but its not as if he doesn't care. It also was an emotional night last night with the football an all. Plus he said u cud have gone out and you could have got into a bit more debt but you chose not to.

I just think your bieng jealous that he decided to go out and you didn't

Will

lynzpower

Hi there 8pnoodles

Im afraid I agree with willsnarf here.

If he is servicing his debts and wants to spend money on the beer whats the problem? BUt the problem is I take it he didnt have enough to come and see you. And do you feel that beer took priority over being with you? Im asking this as I have considered this before , OH buys a few beers, Im like "we coyuld have saved that for XYZ" He goes its only a few quid I respond with "you dont care about me/us/pur future" I know i get out of perpective. And I KNOW im a moneynaggingbag.

8pnoodles

Willsnarf no what it comes down to is we sat down and worked out a wedding budget some time ago that he agreed to.

We were gonna pay half each, he wasn't able to afford his half so I've paid for more.

Working it out it comes to I've paid £995 towards our wedding, he's paid £145 (ok not including the £200 engagement ring he bought me).

I am still working my **** off and budgeting tightly as I still need to pay for the first night hotel, the DJ, the ceremony fees, and for some sweets for the tables and our pet sitter. This is another £353 to find, but I can do it, it is part of my budget the next two months.

He has to find around £600 between now and the wedding. He's got £300 saved up so far.

On top of which my parents gave us £1k as a gift towards our honeymoon, wedding or joint debts, whatever we wanted. We were gonna use it for a honeymoon as we both need some time away. Then H2B started up his photography business without really thinking about it, he got a couple of weddings booked and then started stressing he had no backup camera. So I stressed for a while and eventually said I'd give up some of the honeymoon money for a second camera, and then I can learn photography too.

I just feel like I've sacrified sooooo much for him recently financially, and then he goes out and has a few beers. I almost feel like he doesn't care or he's laughing at me, but I know he isn't really like that. But that's how it feels. I know he's spent a fortune on petrol to come see me, but at the end of the day it's just put him into his overdraft, he hasn't cut back so he can see me, it's just got him into more debt.

I just wanted the wedding paid for now. In a couple of weeks I start job hunting to move to be with him so we can live together after the wedding, this is even more added stress.

(No he doesn't live with his parents, he's in the army.)

Every month recently he's gone further into his overdraft, every month we've spoken about it and he's told me it'll be ok because of x, y,z money he's getting. but then something else will happen and he's gone even deeper into his overdraft. And now, less than three months before the wedding he drops the bombshell that he's gone OVER his overdraft limit. I honestly thought from what he said this month he'd have loads of spare cash to chuck at the wedding but now he can't spend anything.

Apparently next month he will have money though as he's shooting a wedding at the end of the month and getting paid a fair bit for it. Fingers crossed it all goes ahead ok and they like the photos otherwise he has no backup plan. I am worried that he's pinning all his financial hopes on his photography income which is not guaranteed.

I am a worrier, I am a control freak, I would honestly honestly be fine, we've never argued about money before, but two months before the wedding, which is not yet fully paid for - well that's why I've snapped.

cpu

Willsnarf1983 wrote:

I just think your bieng jealous that he decided to go out and you didn't

Will

I don't think jealousy has anything to do with it. I think stress has though.

As this has been ongoing for some time now, it's obvious that stress has aggravated the situation and those involved are perhaps not seeing things as clearly now as they did at the start.

To the OP, don't sweat the small stuff. If things are generally on the positive route, then learn to let the small stuff go. I know you feel you are making more of an effort (and maybe you are) but we are not all the same and an issue of a small spend (especially with the football on) might not carry the same importance for both parties.

Step back and try to look at the picture as a whole. If your OH is generally making an effort (& 11k would suggest he was) then try to get some perspective back. It's good to want to sort out your finances but it's not healthy to be too extreme, otherwise you risk losing sight of the people you and your OH both were to begin with.

A break from the routine (and from people sometimes) can be a blessing. Us blokes are simple souls and we don't get as emotional about the same stuff as women do. Try not to build it up out of proportion.

Emmzi

Here's an idea.

Stop talking about money completely, for 2 weeks. Keep on with all your good work, but don't talk about it.

See what happens.

Right now he *knows* you are taking care of things.What happens when he's not so sure?

If you keep being the 'parent', he'll keep being the child. Have a small experiment where you just..stop.

Donedoingdebt

8pnoodles wrote:

I'm wondering why i'm making all these sacrifices when he doesn't seem so bothered.

This isn't meant to sound flippant, but be patient with him. He probably really is bothered about you & his finances but the world cup does funny things to football fans. Look on the bright side, at least he's texted you, you know where he is & he's only having a couple of beers & not out clubbing etc. Sometimes, even DFWs need a small blowout.

8pnoodles

He's trying hard to be fair - for him it's hard, but for me sometimes it isn't enough.

Someone once told me that when guys have been in the army their whole life, they don't get what it's like to worry about not having a roof over your head or not being able to eat for a couple of days until you get paid (been there, a jar of peanut butter saved me lol).

He isn't good with maths (found out only recently) and he is struggling to learn spreadsheets (but still learning).

I had to nag him repeatedly to register to pay for tax when he started his business, he didn't get what a big deal it was! So no I don't think I can just leave him to his own devices because at the end of the day we both want to get a mortgage in a few years time, and it'll affect me hugely if he messes up with money.

I'm not that controlling with him (made that mistake with my ex) and for the last few months he's got worse and worse and I've not complained or kicked up a fuss I've just let it go. But with the wedding so close I'm now thinking either we don't have some of the stuff we wanted, or I'll have to pay for it, and that's a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach I just don't need. He assures me things will be ok, and I still pretty much believe him, despite him saying that for the last few months and it getting slowly worse and worse instead.

I was happy to let it all go anyway, but I guess I'm just annoyed he wrote me a ten page email still ranting about the subject (and going on about someone needing an engagement ring, and him having to pay petrol to come see me) after I thought we were all fine and happy again last night.

He is also furious with my best mate, and I don't want them to fall out (not that they see each other much) not least because she is my bridesmaid. I'm annoyed at myself for telling him what she said, I guess this is the punishment I get for being stupid enough to tell him.

Feel like I'm trapped between loads of annoyed people and no matter what I say it just seems to make it worse.