Leaving my partner - practical advice needed

pinkpinkuk

This is so hard to post =/

OK I've been with my partner for around five years, lived together for four. In September we moved across the country because he lost his job. We now both have full time jobs and are renting a flat.

The problem is the relationship is all but over. I don't want to go into too many details but I have wanted to leave for a while. I've told him and he just dismisses what I say and says I'm not leaving. He's very controlling and I he has physically stopped me from leaving before. I previously had nowhere to go, being in a new part of the country far from family and not knowing anyone in the area. However, I've now got to know a few people through work and I know one of them is looking for a flatmate. I'm certain she'd welcome me moving in with her, although I haven't told anyone about my relationship situation. So I have somewhere I can go now.

The trouble is I'm a little unsure about how to go about moving out. My partner dealt with renting out the flat and I don't know how long it is rented for. The rental agreement is in both our names. At present I pay the entire rent and he pays all the bills. Can I just move out? What do I have to do to about the rental agreement?

I have recently finished a university course which my partner's Dad paid for. Originally we were going to pay him back. The amount is around £10,000. He has recently told my partner not to bother paying him back as he sees it as an "investment in our future". I don't know what would happen if we split up. Presumably he would want me to pay the money back. I don't know how I would do this.

I don't even know how to move out. I will have to go when he is not here, because he will not let me out otherwise. I think its going to be a case of putting a few clothes in a bag and going. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this, everything I own is in the flat. And my cat as well, who will have to come with me. I'll have to check with my friend if I can bring a cat. I'm crying just thinking about how hard this is going to be.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

viktory

He sounds very controlling and refusing to let you leave is disturbing.

If you are determined to leave, I would consider putting some measures in place before actually leaving. For example, arrange for somewhere to live, pay a deposit and get the room ready. If you have a joint account, open another account and arrange for your wages to be paid into this. Take a small bag with essentials, such as your passport, driving licence and birth cert. and get them out of the flat.

Once you are ready to go, pack your things, put them in the car, meet your boyfriend somewhere public and tell him you are moving out. Do not go back to the flat with him.

Then, once you are safely out of the situation you can deal with the telling the landlord of the flat that you have moved out and arrange to repay your partner's Dad any money you owe.

The things you are leaving are just that - things. You can always get more things. Getting out safely is key.

pinkpinkuk

Thank you for your advice. My wages do go into my own account, although it does have a big overdraft. I can worry about that once I'm out I suppose. We have a joint account but it lays idle and I was intending to close it anyway.

I don't drive, but I am within walking distance of the city centre. I'm scared stiff of doing this to be honest, but this isn't the way I want to live any more.

I'm just reading the refuge guide from the sticky which I hadn't noticed before. Very useful

Money_maker

Viktorys advice is very good. You need to make some plans and put your important paperwork somewhere very safe (bank stuff, birth cert, passport etc.).

Your joint account - unless you get this frozen then if there's an overdraft and he uses it, you will both be liable.

Renting/selling/housing board may have more advice on your tenancy situation.

Good luck x

Tulip

Good Luck!

SugarSpun

Good luck - all the good advice is in the first reply.

floss2

BTW, if you have anything of sentimental value that you can put somewhere safe, (maybe at work?) then do so, so that you do not have to risk the upset of it not being returned to you.

Also, look at the cost of things like towels & bedding - things you may not be able to take with you - so you have an idea of what your outlay may be when you do go. Asda have a good range at very good prices & up-to-date-styles/colours.

Try to have a bit of a plan but be flexible in case your financial situation or the situation at home change - I was planning to leave my ex-H at the autumn half-term (2 kids so school holidays was easier) but a change in job with a 33% payrise was the enabling factor for the move to happen in the August

daska

You say he's stopped you from leaving prior to this, is there any hint that he might resort to physical violence? Presumably he knows where you work etc and being very controlling it might be better to make a complete break. Ring WomensAid and get some practical advice. They will be able to help you think through the ramifications of whichever option you choose. What I do know is that, if it would be better to go to a refuge, whilst they aren't ideal, they will provide a lot of support to help you get back on your feet, sort out debts/housing etc.

pinkpinkuk

He does know where I work, which worries me. I love my job and I was very lucky to get it. I have also been hoping its going to be a big stepping stone in my career. I'd hate to have to leave it.

I still can't figure out how he will react. He could conceivably follow me home from work if I moved out, though.

DVardysShadow

Close off the joint accounts. Get it or them to £0.00 or even in surplus and close them. Find out too when your tenancy expires. You will be liable for rent for the full fixed term. You could ask when the tenancy is up, because you would like to move as a couple for any one of a number of reasons??

pinkpinkuk

Thanks I will close the joint account next week. I'll try and find out when the tenancy expires. I have a feeling it may be 6 months? In which case it would expire in March. That's not too bad.

I'm feeling a little better about this after thinking through the practical implications all day. Having said that my self esteem is at an all time low and I think I'm depressed.