Advice Please - Ive Got A 7 Year Old With The Terrible Twos

stressedoutmum

Any advice please. My son is almost 7 years old. He has always been an extremely strong willed little boy who has absolute tantrums, kicking, screaming, shouting, kicking his furniture and toys - all as loud as possible I keep hoping he'll grow out of it which is what Ive been saying since he was 2! He is basically a lovely little boy who gets on with everyone however when he cannot get his own way he is cheeky, rude, abusive and says some really hurtful things. We have tried all the usual stopping treats and star charts (both here and at school). He does not display this behaviour at school and the teachers tell me hes a joy to have in class however he has just been assessed as below average at English and Maths because he does the very basic to get by and is so slow at everything. Most of his class write half a page in a story etc he does about 4 words. Whereas the other children work and talk he listens and doesnt work . He is so easily distracted. Even walking to school he often stops or gets slower because he's listening to other peoples conversation. His concentration is very very poor when its something he is not interested in - which lets face it for kids is school but if its something he likes he can sit for hours. School have said hes very strong willed but in a silent way ie he doesnt do what he doesnt want to do but doesnt kick up a fuss whereas at home and outside of school its major tantrums. He responds very well to treats and rewards but I get fed up with this route everytime I want him to do something and he has to learn that he cant be rewarded all the time just to do his work in school - he has to learn that some things ie schoolwork etc must be done reward or not. Each time he calms down from his tantrums and we are talking most days he apologies and says he promsies to stop but doesnt. When I ask him why hes kicked up a fuss all I get is 'because I did' He always has 2 warnings before the step or his bedroom. This doesnt bother him because he could sit and watch paint dry! He can find something to amuse himself quite easily so he doesnt get upset when he is sent on the step or his room. No type of punishment seems to bother him and I am getting so frustrated. We have him on Fish Oils which has helped his concentration a little bit. Doing homework is a nightmare whatever time of the day we try it because he just creates an absolute fuss every time because he doesnt want to do it. He doesnt need additional help in class because if I offer him a reward he whizzes through his homework - but only on his terms. Im at my wits end because it upsets the whole family. I get frustrated my husband does and son no 2 gets really mad with his brother for calling his mum and dad horrible names. Surely at 7 he should be past this. He loses so much because of his tantrums ie swimming trips, treats, football but these losses have had no impact on his behaviour. There must be something we can do. Hearing, eyesight everything fine.

Lady_S

My sister works in a nursary and had a problem with a child like this ( although it was younger)

She actually worked it the other way. She gave all the children a badge when they came in, but said that if they weren't good then they would get the badge removed. Now, this child who was naughty ( and even the parents admitted that they couldn't do anything with her) fought tooth and nail to keep her badge all day, and since then they have broken the cycle of the behaviour.

hobo28

What's his diet like? I noticed a marked improvement in my kids behaviour when we introduced more veg/fruit and less pre-cooked stuff. Fizzy drinks and cordial were a nightmare. We've banned the kids from fizzy drinks now.

Ditto with the TV. I found that even my eldest who is usually well behaved was a nightmare if left to watch too much TV. We limit it to a strict hour a day max and they don't watch it everyday either.

I don't think you will find a magic bullet solution tho but as Tesco says, every little helps!

I think from what you've said, the main issue is concentration/attention span. If you can help him improve that I think his schoolwork will improve. Could you perhaps buy him some books he is interested in and read them together? Perhaps build it up over time? 5mins, then 6mins etc??

Becles

Have you stolen my 7 year old?!

A reverse star chart is working wonders with my son. He isn't given stars for good behaviour to build up for rewards as a normal chart does.

He's got a list of rewards on the freezer that we gave him on Sunday. He can have them all next week if he is good all week. However when he has a tantrum or is naughty, he loses rewards off the list.

It seems to be working as he's been better behaved this week.

I's similar to the Super Nanny thing where she takes a toy off them every time they are naughty, but you can use this to incorperate all manner of rewards like TV/PS2 time, sweets and other treats.

shykins

had the same with my boy when he was 7....i found the only way to get him sorted was to work out a routine.. i sat him down and said right lets work out the best times to do thing so we can get stuff done

i found letting him help with the times made him feel more involved and like he was actually mnaking the decisions (tho of course iwas kinda steering him).. so it would be well what do u think is the best time for homework??? after tv time or after dinner??..we wrote it all down and he was quite happy to stick to the things we had decided...

we also insituted a pocket money and fines box.. he got £1 pocket money in 5ps and if he was naughtly or didnt do as asked (i gave him 3 warnings) 5p was deducted, if he excelled 5p was added

we still do the same now and re-examine his scehdule every so often if we think its not working, he is always fully involved he even decides which chores he should do and what sort of punishments

as far as the writing my little un still doesnt write as much as his school mates but his teacher has jus started making it a challenge so she will say to him well see if u can write to here and mark the page and then if he does that he gets a credit and she will put another line on the page to challenge him to get to there.. it seems to be working so far

i think they just get to the point they want a bit more power in the decisions and when its always u making them, they rebel, giving them some of the decision making makes them feel more in control.. i usualy give my boy a choice (sometimes its hobsons choice but he doesnt notice lol) rather than jus saying do this or that i would say well do u want to do this or that?? then he has to make a decison and if prevaricates i say make the choice or i will make it for u ... he will then choose

i hope that gives u some ideas to mull over, good luck

xxx

x

stressedoutmum

Thanks to everyone above who answered - thanks buttons seems to have disappeared. His diet is good. He's not a fussy eater and eats lots of healthy foods with the odd treats. I've never given them fizzy pop just well diluted squash and he only watches tv for about 15 mins a day which is just before he goes to school. He doesnt watch it later and is not interested in computer/ps2 or anything so he doesnt spend time on these. Tomorrrow hes got a school trip so I told him he had to get on with his work today at school and his homework or I would cancel it and he's flown through it. This is what hes like. Once the trip he'll revert back to type. When I did mention cancelling his trip he wouldnt do his homework. His reply was you've paid for it so I've got to go until I told him I was prepared to lose the money or let someone else take his place. When he realised I would be true to my word he got on with it. Think will try all the treats for a Sunday and the pocket money thing as suggesetd above. Anythings worth a try.

Prudent

I think reading your post there maybe two possiblities to consider. You mention his listening and concentration skills. I wonder if there is some difficulty with his receptive language. This would also explain his slowness with classwork - he may not fully understand instructions, especially if they are not given in short phrases. Have you ever had an assessment done by a speech and language therapist? I especially wondered if he tends to take things literally? Does he understand jokes that are a play on words? can he read other people's feelings from their facial expressions?

I also wondered what about the first year of his life - did he have any illnesses as a baby or did you have any illnesses or post natal depression?

stressedoutmum

Prudent
We've had him assessed by the doctor (briefly), the health visitor, the children's hospital tested his eyes and hearing. He sailed through the hearing and eye tests quicker than most kids do. Our health visitor said he was a very able little boy but very strong willed and stubborn. Understands language and facial expressions perfectly - he can make happy, sad, mad faces etc. Whilst doing homework and at school he performs better on a 1-1 because he time he is distracted you keep drawing him back to what he should be doing. However as soon as the 1-1 stops he's away with the fairies. He's been playing in the garden now for 2 hours by himself quite happy. Gave him his 5 minute warning for getting ready for bed - he's thrown a strop and stomping and banging about very noisily!

Becles

Prudent wrote:

I also wondered what about the first year of his life - did he have any illnesses as a baby or did you have any illnesses or post natal depression?

Would this affect learning?

My youngest was very sick with double pneumonia when he was 2. He spent a week in hospital including IV antibiotics, then it took a good few months before he was recovered. For a couple of years after he caught every cold going and missed some school through it in his nursary and reception years. I didn't like his Year 1 teacher and don't think was taught as much as he should have been by her. She doesn't have much patience and she's the sort of teacher who explains things once and if the children don't get it, then tough! I've helped out as a volunteer in school in her lessons so have seen that happen myself.

He's just coming to the end of Year 2 now where he's had a fantastic teacher. She's helped him a lot and he has come on, but he's still behind on literacy. His handwriting is poor, he struggles with spelling and he struggles putting things down on paper. He can talk in great detail about a subject to you, but when you ask him to write about it, he can just manage a couple of sentences. He also struggles with reading, but he's excellent at maths!

Could this be related to the pneumonia? I've never made the connection before until you mentioned it!

Sorry for butting in on your thread stressedoutmum!

Prudent

Beccles, I think your son was too old for his illness to affect his learning. It could have had an impact when he was a baby as it is then the brain makes critical development of the pathways for learning later in life. Have you considered the possiblility of getting an occupational therapist to assess his motor skills? However he may simply be behind because he has missed time at nursery etc. Children get crucial early literacy skills and pre handwriting skills at nursery. Might be best to see how he has come on by next year. By the third year of school difficulties as opposed to delays become more apparent.

Prudent

stressedoutmum wrote:

Prudent
We've had him assessed by the doctor (briefly), the health visitor, the children's hospital tested his eyes and hearing. He sailed through the hearing and eye tests quicker than most kids do. Our health visitor said he was a very able little boy but very strong willed and stubborn. Understands language and facial expressions perfectly - he can make happy, sad, mad faces etc. Whilst doing homework and at school he performs better on a 1-1 because he time he is distracted you keep drawing him back to what he should be doing. However as soon as the 1-1 stops he's away with the fairies. He's been playing in the garden now for 2 hours by himself quite happy. Gave him his 5 minute warning for getting ready for bed - he's thrown a strop and stomping and banging about very noisily!

I am wondering more about his understanding of language rather than hearing. He is showing some of the signs of a receptive language difficulty e.g. poor concentration, throwing tantrums that are not age appropriate, interfering in other things that are going on around. These often are part of semantic pragmatic difficulties.