So down, don't know what to do

Thumper7

I really don't know how to start this, if I start from the beginning its gonna be an epic. If i start from the here and now it wont make much sense. aaargh

Ok, so from the very beginning.

I first met my now husband 25+ years ago (when I was 18), went out a couple of times and he wanted to take further and I didn't.

I fell totally and deeply in love at the age of 21 and had my heart well and truly broken. It took me years to get over this (he kept turning up in my life and I would fall hook, line and sinker for his charms). After i finally got him out of my life I became really cynical about men and used men to my own ends (gosh that sounds really horrible but that was they way I was, if I had an itch thn I made sure it was scratched).

I did get involved with a married man who I did care deeply about, but I did not want him to leave his wife. In my eyes he was a safe bet and couldn't hurt me. that lasted for a couple of years and fizzled out.

I thought my life was settled, that I would always be single. I had led a single life for nearly 10 years and was quite content, good job, good friends.

five and half years ago me and my husband met again, he was married at this time. We did flirt with each other but I though nothing of it. 2 days later I received a text from him wanting to see me, I said ok and we met for coffee. He told me he always loved me, and wanted to be with me at which I laughed and said you don't even know me and no way I am going to be a mistress again, been there and done it.

Suffice to say that he left his wife and we started a relationship and his wife filed for divorce. Everything was great We and l he told me that he wanted to go to kenya, and to go there we had to be married. I said ok and duly started to organise a wedding,

Two weeks before the wedding I discovered he had been texting another women and despite all my misgivings and his reassurances I went ahead with the wedding. We went to Kenya and it was ok

We are back in the uk and I thought things would be ok but its not. I am going through the menopause, and have no interest in sex at all, I do not have a job, I have put on on a stone in weight (all flabby) and he has resorted to texting other women.

I really don't know what to do. I think leave, but I gave up my whole life for him, stay and he keeps making a fool out of me.

Ah hell, sorry just need some really objective on this.
Thanks, I've missed a lot out but if you need to know i'll tell

viktory

His poor (first) wife. She didn't stand a chance against the memory of you - and then the real person come along. They do say that once a mistress becomes a wife it leaves a vacancy.

Sounds like you & he were chasing a dream. Neither of you are the youngsters you once were, and I think you are both disappointed with the people you have become. In other words the dream has died. You and he should considering relationship counselling to see if you can resurrect the relationship. So much has been sacrificed for it, it would be a shame to give it up without a fight.

paddy's_mum

Get off his merry-go-round. He's had it all his own way so far. He's a weak man with some nasty habits.

Why wait for the axe to fall? You already know where this is heading. Get rid and regain a bit of your lost self-esteem.

Thumper7

Vikory and paddy's mum

thank you both, what you bth said is so true, sitting here cring my eyes out.

Just want to say I wasn't his mistress physically, but you are so right, I'm not his dream girl anymore, he was never mine, he came along when I was so so weak (my dad had just died, then my sister took a massive overdose) and I was ready for someome to take care of me.

Reading you advice i'm better of the merry go round, but i've nothihg left

worriedsik

Thumper7 wrote: »

I really don't know how to start this, if I start from the beginning its gonna be an epic. If i start from the here and now it wont make much sense. aaargh

Ok, so from the very beginning.

I first met my now husband 25+ years ago (when I was 18), went out a couple of times and he wanted to take further and I didn't.

I fell totally and deeply in love at the age of 21 and had my heart well and truly broken. It took me years to get over this (he kept turning up in my life and I would fall hook, line and sinker for his charms). After i finally got him out of my life I became really cynical about men and used men to my own ends (gosh that sounds really horrible but that was they way I was, if I had an itch thn I made sure it was scratched).

I did get involved with a married man who I did care deeply about, but I did not want him to leave his wife. In my eyes he was a safe bet and couldn't hurt me. that lasted for a couple of years and fizzled out.

I thought my life was settled, that I would always be single. I had led a single life for nearly 10 years and was quite content, good job, good friends.

five and half years ago me and my husband met again, he was married at this time. We did flirt with each other but I though nothing of it. 2 days later I received a text from him wanting to see me, I said ok and we met for coffee. He told me he always loved me, and wanted to be with me at which I laughed and said you don't even know me and no way I am going to be a mistress again, been there and done it.

Suffice to say that he left his wife and we started a relationship and his wife filed for divorce. Everything was great We and l he told me that he wanted to go to kenya, and to go there we had to be married. I said ok and duly started to organise a wedding,

Two weeks before the wedding I discovered he had been texting another women and despite all my misgivings and his reassurances I went ahead with the wedding. We went to Kenya and it was ok

We are back in the uk and I thought things would be ok but its not. I am going through the menopause, and have no interest in sex at all, I do not have a job, I have put on on a stone in weight (all flabby) and he has resorted to texting other women.

I really don't know what to do. I think leave, but I gave up my whole life for him, stay and he keeps making a fool out of me.

Ah hell, sorry just need some really objective on this.
Thanks, I've missed a lot out but if you need to know i'll tell

You havent gave up your whole life YET ! have you ? by the way i had a hysterectomy and went through menopause there is no reason why you should have no interest in sex because off the menopause , its usually other reasons that your sex drive disappears as does your confidance and self esteem !

want to sort it all ? then you know what to do x

Thumper7

she wasn't his first (poor) wife. and she isn't poor,took her 6 months to find someone else, !!!!!!, when you look at it i'm the stupid one, thanks for all that posted.

just feel so stupid and foolish, yeah i know its only my fault, but please don't flame me

dogcat_2

Well, You've given it a go....and its not what you want ( or expected) so.....your new life starts from now. Start picking the pieces up ....try and lose some weight....if thats what you want....gain a bit of self confidence..and get a life back for yourself again. It's never too late to turn your life around...but you can get stuck in a rut...thats if you're not careful. Get out there and do something about it!...Wish you luck.

beks

Thumper7 - your really need to take control of your life. I have no idea of your circumstances or how you can change your relationship but it is never too late. As dogcat suggests, you need to try and get rid of the weight and gain some confidence so you can be happy within yourself.

Do you think your husband has gone further than texts to other women? Do you trust him? Without trust, relationships are very difficult to continue. Only you know whether your marriage is worth saving or whether you can no longer go on like this.

I hope you can find some resolution. (((hugs)))

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think he's the right man. And he wasn't the right man when you married him despite your (very sensible) misgivings. It sounds to me that he's the type of bloke who enjoys the chase more than anything else and he's a risk-taker as well. This is a very dangerous combination.

Please don't beat yourself up for this as it's not all your fault, your husband has a lot to answer for. And I don't believe for a moment that your lack of libido is totally down to you going through the menopause at all. I certainly wouldn't want to make sweet love to a man who I couldn't trust one hundred per cent.

There is a life to be had after marriage and sometimes it's a much better, contented and fulfilling one, especially when you are the one in control and making your own choices. Do not be afraid, it's great over here in Singledom!

Mely

Op...sorry to be harsh but this is karma! You where a mistress once, and now you know what it feels like for your husband to have a mistress too, and cheat on you.

emsywoo123

Mely wrote: »

Op...sorry to be harsh but this is karma! You where a mistress once, and now you know what it feels like for your husband to have a mistress too, and cheat on you.

I actually cannot believe you are turning another thread into a "ha ha bash the msitress this is karma" thread. :mad: