ex wants portion of child benefit

Donought

Wow - thanks for all your replies. Really helps to know I am not being a complete miser and gives me some moral support for when I stand firm. I have often caved in which is why he believes he can get away with this stuff. I think I will also tell him he can sort out all the legal stuff regarding the reduction in maintenance (contacting the courts etc).

As for saving for education.....already underway and hopefully they will get scholarships or bursaries.....there was also promise of private education for the children whilst still married (via his grandmother, funnily enough this has gone now we're divorced!).

Thanks again, really appreciate everyone's time and effort.

D

HRV

Hi OP
If I were you, and if you know how much he earns, I would do the calculation for child maintenance on the calculator, as he does get a reduction for his new child (on CS2) I think they take 15% off his net wages, and then take off the reduction for the number of days he has the children. Then it's 20% of his net wages. This way you'll now if your being reasonable. If he's paying you more then maybe it's reasonble to reduce it slightly, if he's paying you less then tell him where to go! That way its fair and he can have no say on the Child benefit
If you don;t know his earning maybe suggest he uses the calculator himself.

I only wish my OH had looked into the CSA calculations before agreeing the amount he did:mad:- now we just can't face rocking the boat! But if we ever want our own kids we will have to

Donought

Thanks - I did ask him for his salary as I wasn't prepared to take his 'calculation' at face value. If I can believe his salary (could be last years or two years previous) the maintenance is about right but means he was way below for the 3 years he lived abroad and was untouchable by the courts. It also doesn't include any consultancy work he does.

I have since replied to his email stating that I do not need to explain myself regarding child benefit,it goes to only one parent and is used for the children (clubs, school uniform, sports, school outings etc.). His reply was that "...it was nothing less than I expected and quite sad!"

Money has been an issue since day one when he took all our joint account (I had very little (£100 in my own account) money, which was £16k as we'd just sold out flat in London and wouldn't give me any until I had done exactly what he wanted, which usually involved not pursuing him for more money. He was out of the country and so untouchable by British courts. He continued to blackmail me, emotionally and straight out and I always caved in as I felt bad at taking his children away from him. I am finally standing up to him and he hates it and is now taking it out on the children and telling them untruths and emotionally turning them against me.

Sorry for the rant.......I understand fathers must feel a total loss of control and immense anger that us mother can take the children away, at a whim (according to my ex-husband) but please....it's been 5 years now and he's still going on about money!! Aarrrggghhhhh........any tips gratefully received.

D

maggied_2

Donought - if he's paying the correct amount (point him towards the CSA calculator if he thinks it's incorrect) and seeing his children when he's supposed to then it's probably best to ignore his correspondence about money entirely.

Depending on how well you communicate you could always repeat back to him some of the negative things your children have repeated back to you and politely ask him to desist! My OH's X does this and ultimately there's not a lot you can do expect for taking the higher ground and making sure you never resort to the same - look at the long game!! He may also be rather surprised that what he's saying is being repeated back - again I don't think my OH's X realises some of the stuff DD relays to him!

Are you on CSA1 or CSA2 by the way?

Donought

We don't communicate at all unless it's in email. He cannot even bring himself to say hello!

I have tried asking him to stop yet he thinks he's showing her the truth.....some things she has asked me not to repeat so I can't. Her trust is more important and I too have tried to take the higher ground.

I'm on neither -it's a court order, consent order thing and we use CSA as a guideline although I guess theoretically it's CSA1 as that's what we started using 4/ 5 years ago. To be honest I don't know how they really differ but I might look into it.

Cheers..

PlayingHardball

Hi Donought, sympathies to you.

Keep your head up. Obviously, money means more to him than his kids, just like my ex...... My ex actually used to discuss how much he had to pay me with our daughter, who was 10 at the time, and how it was crippling him - I've actually had my daughter plead with me (in the past) to reduce the amount of child support her dad had to pay! (obviously, it came from him, and his discussions with her, as I never EVER discussed financial or child support issues with a child!)

I kept my head up, and a few years on, my children have seen their dad for what he was, and still is.

You would be on CSA2 if you've only been receiving child support for the last 4 or 5 years, as CSA1 was pre 2003.

No real advice other than to say that you should stick to what you believe is the amount he should contribute towards the children, according to what you believe is his income.

Donought

Oh my word Hardball…..I can’t believe it, my ex does exactly the same thing with my D and she is only 7! I have her saying how we have lots of money and Daddy has none because he gives it all to us!! He tells her how he has such a big mortgage and has to pay for insurance and to make the house nice and now his partner has a baby they have even less money!! I can’t believe it and it breaks my heart as I NEVER (like you) talk about things like this. He also does it with other things such as me and my new partner.

Good to know that children do work it out for themselves but at what cost to them emotionally. I will continue to rise above it and maintain as much truth as I can without loading adult worries on to her. It’s sad that other people have gone through it but does give me hope that it’ll all work out. Thanks.

maggied_2

My DSD's mother does the same thing....complains to her that OH doesn't answer the phone to her (extremely good reason for that) or that we're living it up on two incomes while she's skint and saying her OH is refusing to pay for her school dinners etc etc. DSD is 8

I hope she does see her mum for what she is but can't see it. DSD acts up for her mum if OH is there - she obviously feels more loyal to her mum as she's filled her with hard luck stories.....I hope she's saving up for her poor daughter's therapy!! We just cling on to the fact that those sorts of things aren't ever discussed when she's with us and that she'll realise it when she's older.

Good luck xx

marshmallows

maybe he ment he wanted to share it e.g you claim for 1 child and he claim for the other? unless he has them 50% of the time tell him to go jump

Donought

He has them 4 nights a month. I told him to go jump, quite nicely, he's not happy so who knows what the outcome will be. More hassle no doubt.