I am so unhappy - dont know what to do

jackie_w

Hello everyone,

I dont know if this is the correct place to post this, so sorry if it isnt.

I am so unhappy in my marriage that I dont know what to do.

Dh and I havent been getting on for a long time, and his mood swings are getting me down. whenever things dont go his way he spits the dummy and there is a terrible atmosphere in the house, and I cant take it anymore.

The way he talks to me and the children is terrible. ive spoken to him about it, but it doesnt make any difference.

Hes unhappy in his job and keeps going on about moving to Canada. I dont want to move to abroad im happy here.
He is going to start looking for another job here but has told me he probably wont be able to pick the children up from school/nursery so that means that i will have to do it, which means that I will need to approach my boss about cutting my hours. I only work 16 hours per week, I only started the job at the end of the summer last year so I think the chances of my boss cutting my hours are pretty slim. we live in a small village, and there isnt any spaces at the After School Club for my oldest and my youngest is too young for the after school club. There are a couple of childminders in the village, but neither of them are willing to look after my youngest because he has severe allergies and could take anaphalatic (sp) shock, and they havent had the correct training for this! I dont have anyone else that can pick up the kids because my mum doesnt drive and doesnt live near the school/nursery.

he wasnt happy with me starting my job anyway, and started shouting off and ranting because he would have to pick the kids up from school and he would lose out in his golf and gym time!!!!! I absolutely love my job and ive a funny feeling I will have to give it up because I really dont think my boss will cut my hours.

I just feel everything is about him and he has no thought or consideration about me or the kids.

the last straw was last night. We had a frozen pipe and he was outside trying to unthaw it with the hose pipe. I was trying to get the kids to bed, and he was downstairs shouting on me to turn off the tap and take the hosepipe off the tap. Well im a weaking and at first I couldnt get the hose off the tap and he just shouted "f***ing forget it, I will do it myself, you are f***ing useless"
I was just like "why the hell am I here".

I really feel like leaving but i dont know what happens if I leave where I will go (because he wont leave the house thats for sure) what I do for money.
If I leave i think I will be able to take one of the cars, so I will be able to work of some sort but it might not be in my current job because I will definetly need to change my hours. Then what happens if I cant get a job straight away or a job that will work in around school hours/time.
I havent got anywhere to go with the children, I cant stay at my dads because he is an alcoholic, I cant stay with my mum cos she is in a one bedroomed bungalow and I cant stay with my sister because she is in a 2 bedroomed flat doesnt have the room and we dont get on anyway.

earlier when I was thinking of all the rubbish he has put me and the children through and the things he has said to us, I was so angry and if he was standing in front of me I really think I would have done him an injury I was soo mad.

I cannot remember the last time I was truely happy and it really is telling on me and the children can feel it too.
I have tried to speak to him about it but it makes no difference at all.

Do you think this could be a phrase we are going through, a phrase that has lasted oh about 4 nearly 5 years?

whitewing

I certainly wouldn't be moving abroad with anyone who spoke to me like that!

The only thing I would say is that I have yet to meet a man who wouldn't actually prefer his missus to be at home available for the children. Of course there are good men who can reconcile this with an understanding of your need to work or the greater need of the family for you to work. It isn't necessarily only about the golf and the gym, although some men are idiots when they won't explain properly how they really feel. I am not saying though that you should give up work.

southoftheriver

Sorry no wise words but didn't want to read and run. This is not normal though, and you have a right to be happy. If you can't talk to him face to face would writing down how you felt help? Might also avoid you wanting to do him an injury...

lilmisschick

Sorry to hear what you're going through! I think you need to take one thing at a time as there is way too much to deal with in one go!!

Firstly, I think you need to tell him that when the kids are in bed, you would like to have a chat about the relationship and tell him how you feel etc... rather than angry words during an argument. Then from there, you will know how he feels in return etc..

Don't worry about all the financial worries etc.. of a job/ house/ money until you have made a decision on leaving as it may not be worth even thinking about yet anyway!

You say it could be a phase (albeit of 4-5 yrs) Do you have times where things are okay, happy between you both etc... or is it always like this?

I hope you can sort things out for your children as it sounds like its affecting them too. How old are they?

(((((((((Hugs))))))))

jackie_w

hello,

writing down things wont make any difference at all. i dont actually think he cares whether im happy or not, it just all seems to be about him.

My children are 13 and 4.

he is due in from work soon and the atmosphere will change when he gets in

belfastgirl23

The starting question for me is what do YOU want. You talk a lot about your husband and how he is but not a lot about you. Do you still love him? Do you want to save your marriage? Can you still see any good in him at all? It can be really upsetting to watch someone you love in distress and it sounds to me like he's in a very dark place at the minute.

If the love has gone then you need to start looking around for somewhere to live etc.

But if you think there might still be a chance, i wonder if it might be worth sitting him down and very calmly talking to hiim about how unhappy you are. In your shoes I would ask him straight out if he thinks that you should split up. But in a calm way. If he says yes then I guess you know something more than you do now. And if he says no then maybe it's worth saying 'a lot of the time I feel like you do want this'. You might think you've communicated this to him before but if it's in the heat of an argument it's a totally different dynamic and he can dismiss it as a row.

To me the key thing is to keep things as calm as possible and not get into blame. The easiest thing in the world is to point out things that are his fault, the hardest thing is to dig underneath and see why that's the case. And it may mean accepting some responsibility for things yourself - there may be things that you are saying to him that he is perceiving as cruel as well. and if you are able to acknowledge them, you set a tone for the discussion that might mean he can acknowledge his responsiblity too.

i guess what I'm saying is that at the minute it feels like you are responding to him, maybe you need to take the initiative and instigate a proper discussion. By the sounds of things it can't make it any worse on you!

Also just another thought, be sure to listen hard to what he says. Even if it's in anger or whatever, again one of the big things with rowing is that you are so busy defending yourself and/or attacking each other that you lose out on hearing what the person is saying and trying to figure out why they're saying it.

carpedieme

hi jackie, I very much sympathise with what you are going through, my first husband made my life a misery and treatedme like dirt, it ultimately affected the children. I had absolutely no family support except from friends, however there was a happy ending for me. We eventually split, leaving me with the three children a job working shifts and no help, things did get better very quickly, I regained my self respect the children were happier and I met someone completely unexpectedly who is now my lovely hubby, all this was fidteen years ago and things are still so good, good luck with your challenges you can do itx

julliff

Hello

writing down things wont make any difference at all. Idont actually think he cares whether im happy or not, it just all seems to be about him.

whenever things dont go his way he spits the dummy and there is a terrible atmosphere in the house, and I cant take it anymore.

I just wanted to send you my sympathy, as the things you have typed are so much like my marriage, and I really feel for you:

Sorry, I don't have any advice, apart from saying, just think about what is right for you, and your kids. Don't be manipulated.

good luck

Mrs_Moc

I found some very interesting reading on these websites today

My Husband has been very abusive to me also. I have finally had enough. Its only now that im free im actually seeing the full extent of the abuse.

http://abuse-recovery.suite101.com/article.cfm/abusive_relationships_getting_out

http://divorcesupport.about.com/u/ua/abusiverelationships/hurtful_abusive_words.htm

diable

I think he is controlling and has issues with women being independent.

naijapower

I certainly would not advise moving abroad under these circumstance.