Dilemma

jwc999blue

Hi looking for some help here. Been married since September but lived together in my OH former marital home (now joint owned), wifes 19 year old son (who ive known since he was about 5).
Bought OH a large sweetshop style jar of nostalgic sweets for xmas, cost £40. Anyway got up today after nights & noticed the jar of sweets in stepsons bedroom now half empty. Txt OH & said I was disappointed that she had let him do that as it was an xmas present, OH has said she knows nothing about it. I then said that I was disappointed that he had stolen them, OH has replied saying it is hardly stealing.
In my mind it doesn't matter what it is, he has invaded our private space & taken something without our permission. I never go into his room unless it is to hang clothes up clean etc & then I never snoop, if I want to borrow a dvd I ask permission & when my 13yr DS comes to stay I dont let him into his room to play on his xbox without permission even if he is away I will txt him.
My dilemma is how do I handle this, as he is a really good kid, causes us no problems, but on the other hand he has invaded our private space & in my mind stolen something, by the way he is the apple of his mums eye (only child), I jokingly say I come 4th behind him, the cat & choclate
thanks
blue

SugarSpun

Sticky situation ... I'd just tell your stepson you're disappointed that your wife didn't get to enjoy the sweets because you put so much effort into getting ones she specifically likes. I wouldn't press the issue with your wife because it sounds like you'll just drive her to defend him.

Apricot

I don't know if Im looking at this wrong but to me it hardly seems like a big deal. I understand it was a xmas present & cost £40 but to most people they would look at it and think "sweets, I'll have a few of those".

Where were the sweets left? If they were in your bedroom, I would have a word with him & just say you don't appreciate him coming into your room without permission. If they were left in a public area (kitchen, living room etc) then tbh he probably didn't even consider that you or his mum would be upset that he's eaten them.

Perhaps you could have s quiet word & just explain that they were a present for his mum & that it was quite greedy of him to eat so many when they weren't his. He may surprise you.

bunty109

I don't know if this helps, but my brother was a nightmare for doing this: my mum used to have to hide her chocolate from him. Even now, he's a demon for chocolate and fridge-raiding when he comes to see her: I don't think any of us saw it as theft.

Maybe it's also a case of your wife not wanting to eat all the sweets herself (I can't even face getting on the scales after Xmas!) and she's not bothered if he helps himself.

I KNOW it's ungrateful of your wife and stepson, but I really think seeing it as theft is a bit OTT .......

paddy's_mum

If he's a "good kid" and this is the worst thing you can say against him, then I'd suggest that you're making a mountain out a molehill and could have so much worse to have to deal with.

You might want to express your dismay to his mother and hope or hint that she points out to him that the sweets were not for universal consumption ... but since they were a gift to her, it is surely for her to get cross if anyone is going to, don't you think?

Take a look around at the horrendous problems other parents are struggling to make sense of and thank your lucky stars that only a £40 jar of sweets bit the dust.

I'd also suggest that if he is normally allowed to take whatever he wishes out of the fridge, pantry etc without complaint, then this is hardly stealing is it - though I do understand your sense of grievance.

space_rider

bunty109 wrote: »

Maybe it's also a case of your wife not wanting to eat all the sweets herself (I can't even face getting on the scales after Xmas!) and she's not bothered if he helps himself.

I KNOW it's ungrateful of your wife and stepson, but I really think seeing it as theft is a bit OTT .......

I would have let anyone help themselves to whatever is left over at this time of year rather than eat it myself. I know they weren`t cheap but it`s not worth making a big deal of it as it will only cause friction between all of you especially as you say he is a good lad in many ways.

belfastgirl23

You gave them to her. She now owns them. If she's ok with her son wolfing them then I think you have to be ok with it too.

The invasion of privacy issue is different however, maybe you all need to have a chat about ground rules? That's assuming he came into your room to get them...although it is his mum's room too and presumably he's been used to it not being off limits so I'd say approach it sensitively...

jwc999blue

Hi thanks for your replies,
I suppose what really annoys me is the fact that he invaded our personal space (bedroom) and took something which was a present that I put a lot of thought into. Normally everything that is in the cupboard/fridge etc is up for grabs including my bags of haribos which I am adiccted to, we even ask him what him & his girlfriend want to eat when we do a shop. We got him some hersheys bars for xmas coz we brought him some back from LA & he liked them (were not sweetaholics btw), I think I am going to ask my OH to speak to him & tell him how I feel & leave it at that.

seven-day-weekend

I had a set of DVDs delivered to my UK house. They were for my 60th birthday later this month and I am in Spain for that (someone visiting brought the DVDs out to me).

Anyway my son rang and said nonchalantly that my DVD's had arrived and I didn't mind if his girlfriend watched them until the person who was delivering them collected them, did I? And actually I was quite hurt. This was my birthday present. I wanted to be the first to look at them. So I said I'd think about it.

Anyway I thought, and I came up with that it was no big deal really if she watched them, they would still be new to me when I got them and what difference did it make? So I rang my son back and said yes, as long as she didn't damage the booklet or box, then she could watch them.

I'm trying to say that I can understand why the OP is upset, especially if the boy had not asked permission.

I think I would have a word with him about asking permission. If they were left in a communal place he may not even have realised that they were not 'communal', so I wouldn't be too heavy, but just request that he asks next time.

Edited to add: Just seen they were in your bedroom, in which case he DEFINITELY should have asked permission.

mrcow

If it was me, I wouldn't say anything - I'd just steal them back and leave a note inside saying, "Hands off my expensive sweets - they are not for kids!". Then I'd hide them.

Errata

Tell him to stay away from your bedroom as he might get a horrible shock if he discovers what else you have stashed in there. Ask him what extra jobs he's going to do to make up for guzzling the wife's sweeties. Be lighthearted, don't get heavy - it ain't worth it.