Feeling lonely and isolated

pollyanna24

Just wondered how people make friends. Gonna sound like a real sad sap now.

I have a 14 month daughter. I work full time in an office where there is no one but me and the boss, so no opportunity to make friends there.

My bf and me have been having major difficulties recently. He is a stay at home dad. He has his "female" friends as he works in a women industry and I don't feel I can enroach on the few he has made (plus I don't actually think I like any of them much).

Any other friends I have lost as I started going out with bf when I finished school (a long long 10 years ago). Any other friends have been through bf and because we are going through "problems," they are his friends and not mine.

I don't feel like I have the energy to start going out in the evenings (once I get in at 5pm, I cook our dinner, feed the lil un and put her to bed - this is "my" time with her, so don't really want bf to do it - and then watch a lil bit of telly or do a bit of craft stuff or go on the internet).

So what do I do? When do people make friends?

alyth

Welcome to my world! I am a 39 year old student and work part time in a shop. Whilst the kids at college are brilliant, they are young enough to be my kids. I work over three shops so don't really get to spend much time with my work colleagues, and of course they have their own lives. My 15 year relationship ended 18 months ago, as did all of my friendships as they were mutual friends.

I live my life virtually - my PC died on Sunday and I didn't get the new one up and running until late last night and it as if a limb had been cut off.

The art of making friends, I think, has kind of died due to the internet. I have lots of people that I email all over the world, due to my interest which is pandas, but I even email the guy who lives over the field from me!

Can you take your daughter to activies at the weekend and perhaps make friends through that - I don't have kids but my brother does, and he takes his daughters to baby dance kind of thing. You say you do craft stuff, is there a crafty shop near you that runs classes at the weekend that you could join in?

You will never feel as lonely and isolated as I have done these last 10 days, I spent Christmas on my own as my parents were away and my brother lives down south. I worked a lot in the shops and I was physically abused because the weather is so bad up here newspapers could not be delivered. I was shouted at really horribly because the shop didn't have the right kind of peanuts the woman wanted.

Enjoy your child and resolve the difficulties with your partner.

pollyanna24

Thank you Alyth for your answer.

It's made me put a few things in perspective. I'm sorry that you have had what sounds like a pretty rotten Xmas, I guess I am not used to it.

Where do you live? Must be quite north for the weather to be as bad as that. And so no necessary for that woman to complain about peanuts!!!

I try to spend all my spare time with my daughter due to me working full time, so I suppose I could try and find a weekend class to take her to which might lead to new friends (the only snag being is that I find sahm's want to spend any spare time that I might have, i.e. evenings and weekends, understandably, with their partners and families.

I'm sorry to hear that you split up after 15 years. If it's not being too nosey (and tell me to bug6er of if you want - but just wondered seeing as I am in a similar position after 10 years), but how come you did split up after so long?

JMW77

I know how you feel ,i have never been able to make friends and keep them but its because of childhood abuse i suffered i find it really hard to talk to people ,i find it hard to start any conversation with anyone unless i know them very well.Sometimes i feel really isolated i know i will never be able to change although i am much better than i used to be.Its such hard work when i take my son to school i try to make an effort and a couple of mums talk to me but i can tell they are just being polite they don't want to be friends with me its just casual conversation and they have no idea how hard it is for me just standing there.
Sorry to go on but really wish i could have just a couple of genuine friends.
Hope you do find a way to meet new people.

alyth

sorry polly, I typed that message then wondered if it was too harsh! I live up in rural perthshire on a farm and it is just hellish just now, that's getting me down as well, I can barely get the car out of the garage and I keep going outside to check as more snow is forecast, I can't get down to my parents as there are too many accidents on the road, and to think I wanted it to snow!

We split because ex traded me in - things were perfect, so I thought, although hindsight is brilliant, but he had an affair with a girl from work and now the two of them, and their baby, life in the same village! I love being on my own, don't get me wrong, i can never ever imagine being with a guy again, I followed my dreams because ex always told me I was stupid, I'm not at college on an access course and hopefully going to uni next year, but it's !!!!!!! hard! like tonight the snow is so bad, I had to drag the bin up to the end of the drive, I was almost in tears because I was dragging half the snow with it. My pipes froze on Monday - and yesterday actualy - and the kitchen flooded. My PC died on Sunday morning and I've had to spend a grand getting a new PC and paying a guy to come and install the new one and get all the data off my old one.

Sory, this is turning into a massive pity thread for me!

This is a difficult time of year, I hate christmas, I chose to spent it on my own and I regret it now, but if nothing else it's a learning curve for me.

You are doing well, you have a good job, a partner, a baby, I try and take pleasure in the small things, I love feeding my birds and spend a fortune on them, I read a load of stuff tonight about sitting in bed at night thinking what three good things happened to you today, try doing that.

If your relationship breaks up, and I'm not implying for a minute that it will, as I say this is a horrible time of year, you only have to read the threads about family problems over christmas, but you will have the strength to go on - you've a good family set up, a good job by the sounds of it, it is really hard meeting people, I've never mastered it as a single person, you're supposed to hang around the aisles of tescos or something (!)

alyth

JMW77 wrote: »

I know how you feel ,i have never been able to make friends and keep them but its because of childhood abuse i suffered i find it really hard to talk to people ,i find it hard to start any conversation with anyone unless i know them very well.Sometimes i feel really isolated i know i will never be able to change although i am much better than i used to be.Its such hard work when i take my son to school i try to make an effort and a couple of mums talk to me but i can tell they are just being polite they don't want to be friends with me its just casual conversation and they have no idea how hard it is for me just standing there.
Sorry to go on but really wish i could have just a couple of genuine friends.
Hope you do find a way to meet new people.

Hugs from me JMW, we must have been posting at the same time. I don't have kids so please correct me if I am wrong, can't you invite a few of your son's friends from school round for supper or something and ask their moms to come too?

pollyanna24

JMW77 - sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child. I had a normal childhood, so think I am being a bit melodramatic about things when I think how it could have been. I am a naturally shy person, but have gotten better with time. I have been with bf since I was 18yrs old and he has always been a very confident, outgoing person - not quite sure how he ended up with me (guess I was a skinny, goodlooking, shy 18 year old - what happened eh?!) Now that I don't have him to rely on in social gatherings, I am finding it hard. I don't know what to say to people and don't know how to strike up conversation - it even annoys me now that bf finds it so blooming easy!

Alyth - don't ever think you are being too harsh! I didn't think that at all. You were just saying how it is for you. I don't know where Perthshire is, but it sounds pretty north. I am from near London and it is in London where I work.

It does sound like you are having a pretty rotten time of it all, but it's good that you are enjoying being single, think that is my biggest fear of all. But there is a child to consider which is scary.

I think it is hard to make friends these days and I was just about to ask you if you wanted a "penfriend," but I suppose that is all we do these have, have virtual penfriends over the internet.

But thank you for making me appreciate the small things in life. Even if everything goes pot, I have my gorgeous little girl who looks me every morning with a smile and is (almost) always ready for a kiss, albeit a snotty, dribbly one!

SUESMITH_2

lots of hugs

the best way i found is to do a nightclass

i know you say you are tired but most start at 7-7.30 and are over by 9, and if you pick something you're interested in you are with like minded people.

a few things ive done are pottery, furniture restoration and upholstery and for the past few years been a member of various writing groups.

nice just to be me for a bit

JMW77

Does that ever happen to anyone else you write a long message and then post reply and somehow you have been logged out.
Its so annoying!!

alyth

polly I lived and worked in central London for years, so I know how isolating London can be. Perthshire is up in rural scotland, back of beyond!

Life is scary, the thing that got me tonight was dragging the sodding bin up, and I came back into the house and cried on the dog, but I did it! you've got your daughter, even though the snotty kiss made me wince, I don't do kids very well :-) but count your blessings, you're alive, you have family, a partner even though he is driving you nuts, you're not being melodramatic in the slightest, just being a bit lonely as I am!

and by all means send me a PM so we can become penfriends, when I was a kid I had penpals from all over the world, I guess the internet has killed that!

pollyanna24

Right, how do I sent a PM? Not very technological minded me! Sure I've done it before, but forgotten.

Yes, the snotty kisses, really can't be appreciated by anyone except your own kids! And even then at a push!

And at least you had a dog to sob over eh, many a time my dog has had her fur sobbed over, they are such good listeners and never question you.

And I hate, hate, hate London. Have no idea what the fuss is about. Was born and bred on the suburbs of it and avoid it like the plague. Live on the outskirs now and can only afford to work in London due to a member of my family working for London Underground so I get a free ticket, otherwise I might as well remortage in order to commute to work every day!