Debt and relationships

Digitalscooby

That's quite a sad story.

We are going through the 'facing up to it' stage at the moment. It has been a real stress putting together a dmp - not least the actual 'admin' part of it.

I love my wife dearly but I do feel that she has left it all to me to do - opening the new account, transferring the various DD's etc, filling in the dmp forms, gathering all the paperwork, writing the holding letters, buying the Postal Orders for token payments.

We sat down and set out the budget but when I said we needed to go through it in more detail with National Debtline she replied 'you do it, I trust you'.

I've kept in constant contact with my creditors and never refuse to answer the phone. She on the otherhand is quite happy to let it ring out.

I got quite angry yesterday and she could tell but then she gave me a hug and said ' it's not that I don't care, it's just that you are much better at dealing with all this and are doing a brilliant job and I really appreciate it'.

Shoes does understand. She does appreciate the mess we are in. She does know we have to budget going forward. She has accepted our position but deep down she admitted she wants it to be 3 months from now when everything has settled down.

Now that I understand where she is coming from it makes things a little easier. I feel as though we are working together it's just that I can cope with the initial practicalities much better than her.

I just *know* she will be a godsend with the budget when everything has calmed down.

You never know how people are going to react in circumstances such as these. He may be struggling to catch up with you in terms of understanding where you are.

Be patient, I really hope it works out for you.

DS

katsu

Can you talk about it with him? If you are able to talk about how you both feel - what does he say if you ask him how he feels about it? Can you have a conversation about what might make things better, such as...

What if you both had separate accounts and the joint account was not used for day to day spending, just bills. You would need to work out what all your actual bills are - gas, electric, minimum payments on debt etc, then put enough money in there for that, and not use any cards on the account. Then look at what you have left and see if you can agree how to handle food shopping and whether you can overpay on your debts. Then leave him with some money in his own account for him to spend. It is then up to him to manage his spending within his actual disposeable income. Might help him see what is truly left over?

Spuddle

You both need to work as a team to get out of it.

My OH is a lot older than me, and i moved in with him into a house we chose together just before i was 17.

He got into debts and i helped him in the end with about £4000 to keep people off his back. I would not have done this if 1. i cared for him 2. if i thought he was taking it all as a joke and taking me for a ride

I have no debts, but i helped him through, in the end he went BR in october, we surrendered the horrible house and we are now in our second home, far bigger and better than what we were in before, and have come out stronger.


He needs to respect that debts are a serious thing!

Francesanne

Percy1983 wrote: »

Sounds tricky, I have to say I am in a situation where i am the family member who is owed the money and I can see why it bothers you. In my its my brother and his partner, so far I have been nice and left it to a 'pay it when you can' arrangement. But now they have come into some money and they are just spending it left, right and centre and I am not seeing a penny which I am slowly getting annoyed with.

I am not sure what advise to offer, you clearly need to work together on this. Out of interest how have you managed to get so much debt, if its just from day to day life then you really need to have a shakedown of your finances.

It maybe worth you posting a SOA up.

Hopefully there will be more replies soon which might help you more.

If your brother has come into some money and hasn't paid you back, I would be asking for repayment asap before they blow the lot. I know a woman who's had thousands from her brother and sisters and she's never paid two of them back a penny. I wouldn't be able to live with my conscience if I didn't repay a loan and especially to family members.

computershack

LittleMissSlim wrote: »

I have found that this debt affects me and dh so much - I am (and I am aware this is probably unreasonable) so angry with him for not taking care of us financially.

We are both awful with money

Interesting how you feel so angry with him for not taking care of you yet you admit you're as bad as him. Do you feel a sense of disgust as you sit on that settee in that nice house watching Sky on your nice TV? Do you feel a sense of disgust as you get in your decent car to go out? Does it make you sick to your stomach when you go out for a meal and does it bring you to your knees when you think of returning to your warm home? When you're posting on here on the nice computer that was bought with that money, does it fill you with repulsion every time you press a key? Do you refuse to use any of the things that've been bought?

Or...do you quite like not having to drive around in an old banger or live in a damp grotty bedsit sitting on a flea infested 20 year old sagging sofa you bought for a quid on Ebay cos you couldn't afford anything else?

You can't get angry at him whilst you willingly participate in taking the benefits of the things the money is spent on and enjoy a lifestyle thats above what you can actually afford....

Buffythedebtslayer

Computershack - the Op said she is aware it is unreasonable of her to feel this way. read between the lines. I find the tone of your post so unhelpful. The OP should not feel replusion or disgust.

OP, It must be hard to have your head in one place and his somewhere back down the line. I am single so haven't been in your situation but do have a close family member who is skint and yet some how enjoyed a wonderful Christmas. Its very hard for me to understand why the situation they are in doesn't bother them when my situation bothers the hell of me.

I am afraid it will just be a case of giving him time to catch up and just to make you feel better start getting a little money for your relative - I too would hate that situation.

Do what you can for now, revisit in another month or so

xxxx

Raini

computershack wrote: »

Interesting how you feel so angry with him for not taking care of you yet you admit you're as bad as him. Do you feel a sense of disgust as you sit on that settee in that nice house watching Sky on your nice TV? Do you feel a sense of disgust as you get in your decent car to go out? Does it make you sick to your stomach when you go out for a meal and does it bring you to your knees when you think of returning to your warm home? When you're posting on here on the nice computer that was bought with that money, does it fill you with repulsion every time you press a key? Do you refuse to use any of the things that've been bought?

Or...do you quite like not having to drive around in an old banger or live in a damp grotty bedsit sitting on a flea infested 20 year old sagging sofa you bought for a quid on Ebay cos you couldn't afford anything else?

You can't get angry at him whilst you willingly participate in taking the benefits of the things the money is spent on and enjoy a lifestyle thats above what you can actually afford....

It must be nice there on that high ground ... lonely though? What are you trying to achieve with this post??

OP - I hope you're OH gets it soon, it must be difficult for you both. It does sound like he's too scared to face up to it at the moment. I think having an 'allowance' for you both might help? Once his money is gone it's gone, this might force him to face it? Good luck

claire0788

computershack wrote: »

Interesting how you feel so angry with him for not taking care of you yet you admit you're as bad as him. Do you feel a sense of disgust as you sit on that settee in that nice house watching Sky on your nice TV? Do you feel a sense of disgust as you get in your decent car to go out? Does it make you sick to your stomach when you go out for a meal and does it bring you to your knees when you think of returning to your warm home? When you're posting on here on the nice computer that was bought with that money, does it fill you with repulsion every time you press a key? Do you refuse to use any of the things that've been bought?

Or...do you quite like not having to drive around in an old banger or live in a damp grotty bedsit sitting on a flea infested 20 year old sagging sofa you bought for a quid on Ebay cos you couldn't afford anything else?

You can't get angry at him whilst you willingly participate in taking the benefits of the things the money is spent on and enjoy a lifestyle thats above what you can actually afford....

Totally no need for that, thats about as useful as a chocolate hammer.

LittleMissSlim - Sometimes people need a shock before they realise their finances are important and need sorting out. Maybe he just hasnt has his light bulb moment yet. I think there are a few people on this board in a similar situation as you that will have advice for you and I hope they share it. Please also remember that MOST of us arent judgemental like others appear to be.

Percy1983

Might be worth setting up another bank account to transfer what he can spend into, just make sure there is no overdraft etc.

Basically once its gone for the month thats it, deal with it. Of course this needs to be agreed with him etc.

Also it could be in he just doesn't know how to deal with it, if you are meeting all minium payments etc he may not see that as a problem.

Butti

@computershack
'Interesting how you feel so angry with him for not taking care of you yet you admit you're as bad as him. Do you feel a sense of disgust as you sit on that settee in that nice house watching Sky on your nice TV?'

Interesting how you thought this was a remotely helpful post?

Little Miss Slim
I am a little bit concerned over any encouragement to nag him. I think it might encourage selective deafness in your DH, however you do need to try and help you both to keep on top of this. Maybe work out a gentlish repayment plan with him preferably with the family member as the top priority. Keep tabs on spending if possible (don't know whether you have a joint account or what) and set aside a time each week to take stock. That way you are being serious, he can see you're being serious but you're not nagging.

The other point I would make to him is that if you are spending in overdraft /credit card balance it isn't his money it's either the banks, other savers or the great British public.

Chin up

B