Debt and relationships

LittleMissSlim

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Percy1983

Sounds tricky, I have to say I am in a situation where i am the family member who is owed the money and I can see why it bothers you. In my its my brother and his partner, so far I have been nice and left it to a 'pay it when you can' arrangement. But now they have come into some money and they are just spending it left, right and centre and I am not seeing a penny which I am slowly getting annoyed with.

I am not sure what advise to offer, you clearly need to work together on this. Out of interest how have you managed to get so much debt, if its just from day to day life then you really need to have a shakedown of your finances.

It maybe worth you posting a SOA up.

Hopefully there will be more replies soon which might help you more.

lilac_lady

Borrowing money from a family member or friend can lead to a permanent breakdown in the relationship if it's not paid back. Even if it's only a token amount until you get your finances sorted, I'd start paying back your relative immediately.

You've done the right thing by taking control of the financal situation that you're in and sooner or later your dh will thank you for doing it. Good luck!

LittleMissSlim

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tiff

Its hard when the other person is going against you. I spent a long time wanting to clear debt. My OH thought because he earnt a good wage and hardly spent any money that he should be able to go and buy whatever it was he wanted. He couldnt see that we had overspent in the past and that the incomings and outgoings didnt allow for him to "just spend".

I dont know how he turned it around, but last Jan I started a new job and we both committed to paying back the debt. He is so glad that now when he goes to buy his train ticket every morning that we definitely have the money there to pay for it!

I hope things work out, I just wish I knew what changed his attitude. Probably me banging on and on about it lol

LittleMissSlim

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blueneleh

Hi,

I just wanted to add a quick thread as I was in a similar situation to you. It's an awful situation to be in and when you get that lightbulb moment it feels like you are clawing back some control and I felt as optimistic as you seem to be, which is great. The only problem in my situation was that my DH wasn't in the same place. He would agree to plans I made about getting out of debt but never stuck to them and would continue to spend. I ended up taking control of all the debt and bills but he was still racking things up behind my back. This obviously says a lot about our relationship at the time and trust issues and you may be in a completely different situation but it resulted in me being left with all the debt and loans etc after we separated as they are in my name (I'm just glad to be out of the marriage now and in control of my finances again).
I suppose I just wanted to say to be careful about taking everything on yourself as it may backfire. You can't force your DH to have his lightbulb moment but I really hope he has this by himself.
I hope I haven't depressed you - just wanted to give a word of caution!
Good Luck!

Percy1983

It is important to try not make it a you vs him thing, you need to do this together.

Does he know how much it is bothering you? he may not realise.

As much as nagging may work it maybe worth a 'serious chat', but of course all relationships are different.

LittleMissSlim

He definitely knows. He says I worry too much and there is no point getting stressed about it.

But I AM stressed about it - it really worries me, and I don't want to be here anymore.

Its driving such a wedge between us. I feel so let down by him. I want to do it together but with him its all or nothing - he goes from buying endless bottles of wine to saying "Right I am taking over all shopping and we are going to have to basically live on beans" There is no in between, no compromise.

I just wish he would give me a hug and say don't worry, we're in this together and we will take care of it.

Nikkei

Is there any other incentive that that may help him along

Eg me and My family want to emmigrate to Canada within five years, we know now that if we don't clear our debts it won't happen, we have pictures of Canada around the house as a reminder of why we're doing what we're doing. Try and find a motivator for him and let him know that the reason you can't do/have that thing is because you can't afford to, but if you pay off the debt then you'll be able to.

I think if you have any chance of making it work is by working together as otherwise it's like swimming against the current and eventually you'll be too tired to swim and you'll succumb to tide.

I hope all works out for you hun and that you work together to acheive a debt free life!!!

rictus123

Even at 18 paying my debts and just knowing its there is such a burden for me, it does effect me and my gf when i say we cant do certain things as i cant afford to waste money i need it for my debts. Now im paying it off and taking control she says how happy i seem and its making things much better. Debt free life is on its way things are on the up!