A couple of Questions Please, its getting rediclous now!

13Kent

Sorry to repeat myself, but

If you can avoid it don't make a cash payment.

I know what you mean about the manipulation - been there. Whenever we have them they always get a call to say that the PWC has bought them something - be it something expensive, something they have wanted for ages, or something their friends have. That had the desired effect of making them want to go back to the PWC asap instead of being with us. (Sad that the PWC is so insecure of her children's love for her that she feels the need to do that). We made a conscious effort right from the start not to do anything like that, to try to give the children a stable environment, sensible bedtimes, not spoiling them to make them want to come to us etc.

We've had ...they want to go to such and such a club, will you buy the kit? (on top of the inflated amount of CSA we pay!) when we have refused she has put the children on the phone and said " You tell them they can't go then!" ( they did - she paid for the kit out of the money she got) When we asked her to make an effort to get them to us for a visit as we couldn't pick them up ( my OH has always picked them up every time and returned them) their pet happened to be ill and she told the children that either they went to see Dad or the pet would have to be put down as it was the cost of the vet's fees or a train ticket. - What sort of a mother would say that to her children?? My OH was on the phone at the time and asked to speak to the children and said he would sort something out. One of our family picked them up. It goes on.............

The manipulation from her is awful to see - we always thought the same that the children would eventually be aware of it, but our sensible attitude seems to be backfiring, and sadly I have to say now they are getting older they are even more under the PWC's influence, and the manipulation is worse.

Maybe we should have gone down the route of spoiling them everytime they came, and letting them do what they wanted etc etc..........who knows??!!!

meltdown_point

Thanks all,

We are going to defo leave a paper trail..........

Lizzy DPs son is 14:( I think we are going down 13kents road:( Its awful, I cant justify my DP treating him any differently to his other son our my kids or our unborn child, we need to be seen as being fair to all the children.....I was thinking today £200 is what the ex is entitled to on the 12th Jan........not now as she has basically just had a payment from CSA.....I know its xmas and people struggle at this time of year, but we have had a full year to prepare for it......now at the end of the month when DDs are taken out, we cannot afford to have another payment for CSA taken out on top of this, but My DP is worried about what his EX will say to their son about him not giving her the cash and making sure that the wedge is firmly driven between them.....god this is insane.....he is stuck....I say NO money until its due.....he is thinking of the what ifs!! What if the kids here lose out is usually my reply....they wont of course....but Grrrrrr, why do some PWC do this?

NACSA_CHAIR

Just a couple of extra tips:

1. Whatever method of payment you chose, be sure that you can prove not only a payment was made - but that it was made as child support. Being able to demonstrate that you paid postal orders, or standing orders or whatever - does not prove that you paid the money for child support...

2. If the PWC is in receipt of benefit - whilst she is now entitled to make a private arrangement with you, she is only entitled to claim £20pw without it affecting her benefits...so again, you need your proof of the levels being paid. The £20pw disregard is set to increase next year, but any monies that she takes over and above £20pw will be reduced from her benefit. (that applies only if she is claiming benefit - not tax credits)

meltdown_point

CSA told us on the phone that she wasnt due a payment until the 12th jan......so she has just got this months payment....they said it was up to us, but they would need a letter from her saying that we paid! We are unsure of this as she told the csa the kids didnt come anymore.....thats true for the 14YO but not for the 16YO who lived with us for 3 months when she got him arrested for something he didnt do.......the child was so mixed up and didnt want to go back...we have proof in the police reports about this as they had to come out and tell him the charges were dropped and the policeman was astounded that she had done this and also said that she could be done for wasting police time!!
We encouraged him to go back.....for the sake of his brothers!! And then she started her work on the 14YO who has seen his mum do this to his older brother and is probably frightened to go against her!!
****Another Rant im sorry****
So if we ask for a Crossed PO, how do we say its for CM on it?
Are you able to cash crossed POs at the post office?

Oh yes she is defo on benefits IS/carers allowance/ctc.......her partner is self employed as a plasterer and has two kids to other women and i know for a fact that he doesnt pay child maintenence!
Why does she get away with so much? Free school dinners, uniform grants etc and then in the mouth of xmas say she wants this that and the other?

The system is so unfair

daska

If he needs a new coat for Christmas then what is wearing now? Will he grow out of his current coat in the next week? It sounds to me as if she's trying to get you to pay for the Christmas presents that she will say have come from her, which is not on if she's already had her full whack of maintenance (I say this as a PWC and an NRP).

If you have the financial leeway I would suggest a note in his Christmas card saying you understand he needs a new coat and that having already bought christmas presents, paid out necessary bills, maintenance etc that you're sorry you can't manage it straight away but would he like to come to the sales with you after Christmas or offering to sort it out as soon as you have funds available. That way it makes it clear that you're anxious for him to have what he needs.


BTW uniform grants are few and far between, she's lucky if she gets these

meltdown_point

Im just sick of her maniupliting the kids the system and my DP..........so much so I have had serious thoughts about "us" I know hormones play a big part in my thinking now but he is to blame too for not getting off his !!! and seeing a solicitor.........I have went through these forums with a fine tooth comb and had he have went and said right PWC is delibertly keeping my child away from me then she wouldnt have got legal aid again (gets everything) to try and take him back to court for the order to be changed.........We have his eldest son telling us what she is doing he even got into an arguement with his brother asking him to speak up for himself......Its a nightmare!! When his eldest was living with us I asked DP to ring CB/CSA/relevant agencies ect, he didnt and I now know that there is very litte we can do about it!

The idea about the xmas card is really good but I know that my DP will not go for it.........
He is probably wearing some worn out thing of her new partners, The child regularly came over in jeans that were more like 3/4 length jeans.....even once he was wearing her clothes......we just made him take them off and fold them and he put them back on when he was going home on the sunday again!

daska

I know where you're coming from but even when you're the PWC it doesn't stop the other parent being a nightmare.

If he won't do anything then you have to let it be his problem. Set some fair and realistic boundaries e.g. you must treat all the kids equally and then let him do the worrying.

meltdown_point

I know your right daska:)
I just get frustrated with DP and want to give him a shake! Only another 5 years of this carp and there will be no more contact from the CSA, and as people say what goes around comes around.......hopefully someday:D

meltdown_point

DP has just texted his ex.......saying he has taken legal advice and the only way he can give her money is for it to be a crossed cheque or postal order, As CSA was her choice then he would rather it just stay the way it is so as to not cause any anomosity......

Although if DS2 really needed a coat he would certainly take him shopping to buy him one!! :T as he had no problems with that.....

thats fair enough isnt it?

meltdown_point

OK she has just texted to say that a postal order would be fine!
and DP replied that he would send it on monday by recorded delivery:)
so far so good:).