Maintenance arrears worries & future cost *advice needed*

jda070504

Theres 2 parts to this

1st part-

I've a son who is now 5 years & 7 months old and i dont have access, no legal reason just an awquard ex. We split when he was 3 months old and in all honesty i havent paid regular maintenance since. After the split i had a couple of months access to my son until my ex moved in with someone else and the access was stopped, she had 2 more children with him and then moved away and never said where she was going. I was working on and off from that point until 3 years ago when i joined the armed forces. After 6 months of being in the armed forces she contacted me out of the blue to see if i wanted to see my son, i couldn't believe my luck, i gave her monthly maintenance whilst having access (not declared on her benefits and no recerd kept) bu then Work commitments meant i couldnt see my son for a few months and she refused me access once again. I stopped maintanence because of her unreasonable approach to my situation, she then disappeared again. It wasnt until the beginning of this year i managed to contact her to arrange access but she demanded every penny of back pay before i see him which was completely unreasonable. I would agree to paying maintenance and some back pay on top per month whilst having contact but that wasnt enough for her. She disappeared again. I've now managed to track her down as shes moved back to our home town. I'd give anything to and do anything for my son, everytime i've seen him i've spoilt him rotten. I'm seeing a solicitor on friday to fight for access through the courts and i want to get the maintanence sorted but i dont know how deep a !!!!!! i'm going to be in for not paying previously on what i believe to be correct principles. The c.s.a have never been in touch with me, no official/recorded maintanence has been paid since we split and i've had no regular period of access since then either. How does the back pay work in my situation?? Am i screwed and if so how much??

CSA_Help

If the CSA gets involved it will only be from when she contacts the CSA (If she goes down that route)

Caz3121

If she was on benefits at the start it is likely that the CSA could have been involved then (if she gave them your details) so there could be significant arrears ticking up although I think the legality depends on how they contacted you, did you move from the address she knew you at.
If she wasn't on benefits then there could be no CSA case and no arrears
either way I think you can forget what you have already paid if you think she is likely to deny ever receiving it
Access and maintenance are completely unrelated, it is sad when a PWC denies the other party access but still wants to take their money
best of luck with the solicitor

jda070504

She's been on benefits all her adult life, I'm wondering whether it would be better for me to contact the c.s.a myself to try and arrange things. Only reason i dont want to do it is if i walk into the '5 years backpay wall' and cant even afford to travel to see my son at weekends. Is there any way to find out if shes contacted the c.s.a or if i've any arrears without possibly putting myself in that situation??

AnxiousMum

I'm a PWC and I despise PWC's who do this - deny access because they can, to any parent who should be involved in their child's life. Having said that though - access and child support are two totally different things and not related in any way at all. I'm so glad that you are going for access through the courts - and I wish you every bit of luck with getting enough time with your son on a regular basis so that you can build a proper parent/son relationship. THAT will be the most beneficial thing to him in his life, and will help him to develop into a normal young man.
With regards to the child support - if you can start paying an agreed amount, but ONLY do it via cheques or some bank transfer transaction that shows proof of your payment. As a reference for bank transfers, use 'child support for Joe Smith - January 2010' or some such thing, or write on the cheques what the payment is for (and be specific) and photocopy the cheque before posting it to her. Do not pay her in cash - it may well be that her new partner is bugging her about the expenses of a third child who is not his, or they have split, she's on benefits and is needing the money. The only person to suffer in the long run with lack of child support is the child, especially where the new partner and your ex have two of their own kids. I think anybody who has step children has to be honest and admit, it takes a special person to treat someone elses child the same as your own.
You might be able to ask her for written confirmation of all payments made to date - are you amicable enough at the moment to do this? Even if you can get a letter to her stating 'I'm prepared to pay £X per week/month commencing on such and such a date.......as this goes along with the payments I was making previously between the dates xx.xx.xx and xx.xx.xx' and try and get her to reply in writing to you. That at least acknowledges to CSA if she goes that route, that you have in the past made efforts to help support your child - it may also help in court when going for access.
Wish you the best of luck in rebuilding your relationship with your son

DX2

AnxiousMum wrote: »

I'm a PWC and I despise PWC's who do this - deny access because they can, to any parent who should be involved in their child's life. Having said that though - access and child support are two totally different things and not related in any way at all.

It appears one is as bad as the other.

jda070504

I'm only just managing to have a disagreement with her, there isn't a chance in hell she can solve things amicably, trust me i've tried, she wants me to get access through the courts, have to pay a solicitor to find where she is living as the only contact i have with her is on 'facebook' of all things (and no shes not on my friends list, i just searched her, up she popped so i messaged her to sort all this) and she wants maintenance done through the c.s.a which isn't what i'd suggest, i've tried sorting and offering every idea viable to sort this between us and shes having none of it. I'm at the solicitors friday to get access rolling but child support will get brought up, i wanna sort it any way i can but I'm !!!! scared to contact the c.s.a cuz the possible arrears could serious mess up me having a relationship with my son, most my money will go on him, the less money i have, the less he has and the less we'll see each other and i dont want that.

AnxiousMum

DX2 wrote: »

It appears one is as bad as the other.

Ahhh but a difference is that the OP is trying to put things right.....just wants to know what he's in for, the PWC in this case is still withholding access......so.....I would say that one is better than the other

AnxiousMum

So, if you wanted to send her some child support this month, you'd need to know her address right? Surely the money is best spent on the child than paying for a skip tracer to locate her? Do you think she would provide her address so you could send her something for your son's maintenance? (I don't mean as a trick to get her address, but to REALLY send some maintenance for him?) If we took all the money that was spent on lawyers with regards to child support, and realised how much more could be spent on the child if parents would be civil and talk to each other, everybody would be a little better off, and the lawyer would just have to cut back on his private golf club games a little......

jda070504

trust me i've tried it, i wanna send him something for his birthday. She tells me to post it to her mothers. She doesn't want to make this easy at all, i've tried reasoning explaining the exact same things, our son would benefit more, i'm only 24, my parents have even given up on me getting access because of the difficulties so far, i'm no angel, i've made wrong decisions to do access to my son but i've tried so many times, i know what school he's at now and i cant see him. i only know what he looks like nowadays because of a facebook photo. A lot of people my age wouldn't do what i'm trying to do, i'm trying to deal with this as a grown up should but she just cant see my point of view.

and to the- 'Having said that though - access and child support are two totally different things and not related in any way at all'. - 'It appears one is as bad as the other'

When i got to see my son and she was a single mum with 3 kids, only 1 mine i used to spoil my son rotten and even though i had no financial or emotional ties to her other 2 sons i constantly bought them things as well so they wasnt left out. At 22 or any age for that matter its not something that someone would do that comparable to a mother refuse access for no real reason!

AnxiousMum

I didn't say you were as bad as each other! wasn't me I admire what you are trying to do - particularly at your age - I see your post as just wanting to know what the repercussions might be so that you can be prepared.
If you can have conversations via facebook, print off your messages if in messages, or take screen shots of the comments on your wall if she communicates that way. They may come in handy.....

If you cannot find a way to get money to your son via your ex for his maintenance, I wouldn't agree to send it to her mother - you need to know that YOUR money for support of YOUR son is going to where it's supposed to. But, I'd start putting an amount away in a separate account so that you don't get stuck with an arrears notice.