I'm worried I'm starting to hate other halfs family!

losingpatience

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Wine_of_the_World

Wow, you sound so strong, I dont think I would have had that much patience with them. From your post you sound like you would much prefer to have an amicable relationship with them, despite everything, rather than have a big bust up.

In which case I wouldn't expect much from them. When birthdays / Xmas and things come round dont rely on them to support your other half, or celebrate with him. Not all families are close.

It might be worth trying to have a word with them, just to let them know they are hurting you both by showing little concern. Some people are so wrapped up in their own dramas they can think of noone else - not deliberatly, maybe speak to your OH first, saying you think they probably mean no harm BUT . . .

You sound a wonderfully caring partner, after all that, I wouldnt want to spend xmas with them!

Brighton_belle

another thought, is don't carry on pretending to you OH that you think his disapointment at his families lack of care is nothing and 'of course they do'. I've been in his situation and my distress not being heard by my OH just made me feel worse. When he acknowledged the feelings towards my family as justified, I felt so much better. Being 'heard' is so important.
Show him how you feel as a way of showing how much you love him.

A tough situation though. Familiy dynamics can be so complex.

totmalysh

Hello, losinpatience.
I can totally sympathise with you, having been married for 5.5 years have not seen my in-laws for the last 2 or 3 years with no intention of seeing them again.
I started avoiding meeting my husband's parents after his mother's apathy nearly turned to violence and his father's comments that made me sick, or to add there is a sister that thinks the world reveolves around her. At some point in time we were actually expected to pay for her education, since we were abroad and considered "rich". Once I stopped husband's contributions to their family (he was paying a student loan), I became the evil daughter-in-law, the one they do not talk about and pretend that I do not exist. Most frankly, I think it has hurt my husband but since he has experienced their "hospitality", he is not keen on going to see his parents and starts thinking (or maybe it is my wish) that it is safer to stay with my parents when we visit them. (Both of our parents live in another country, and we are not English)
So, the point I am making is speak to your other half, when he is feeling better, explain the situation the way you see it, in time he will undestand as long as you do not stand between him and his family. He will have to choose one day, but it is better that it is his choice to make this decision, not yours.
This is exactly what happened to me, I show empathy, ask my husband about his parents, and I truly love his grandmother, aunt and a cousin, but he understood that I am not accepted by his mother and will never be. We agreed that when we have children, we'll give his parents another chance, but not more than that.

Once again well done for dealing with this situation and good luck! I am sure it will work out for you.

totallyconfused1

hi losingpatience

i can totally understand where your coming from.
my husbands family are the exact same,although my hubby has'nt been hospitalised.(hope your oh feels better soon)

my in-laws are... well to put it nicely "not nice people"
we have 2 daughters who they dont see, not because they are'nt allowed to but because they are not interested in them. however when they've been drinking we get phone calls calling us for everything under the sun because we supposedly keep the kids away from them

I could write a book about my inlaws and after 12 years of trying to please them my hubby has decided that enough is enough, we dont contact them anymore. we only live 10 minutes apart so if we run into them its a quick hello and walk on by. i found it really sad to begin with but when your constantly trying and its so obvious they are not interested we found it easier to walk away although i still feel bad for hubby as its still his family at the end of the day,but it was his desicion.

sorry don't have much advice for you but i just wanted to let you know your not on your own. i done the same as you ie. they do love you,they just have a lot of other stuff going on,we'll take the girls to theirs to visit and so on but hubby has seen them for what they are and nothing i say will make him change his mind now after 12 years of trying.

red_devil

losingpatience wrote: »

Ok I know the title probably sounds awful but I'm really starting to dislike my other halfs parent's and brother. I've never met such a self centred, selfish family in my life!

My other half was pretty seriously ill recently, at first the doctors thought he had cancer, thankfully the tumor turned out to be benign but he still had to undergo major surgery and will need radiotherapy.

When my family found out he was ill, and when we were told to expect the results to be cancer, my relatives drove over 100 miles the day they found out to see him. His brother lives a few miles away and didn't bother coming to see him, no phone call, nothing. He was in hospital for 2 weeks, not once did I get a phone call from any of his family to see if I was ok. The visiting hours were 2 - 4 and 6 - 8, they decided that they would visit at the 2 - 4 slot so I had to visit 6 - 8. His brother visited him for 30 minutes while he was in hospital, that's all he's seen of him. Since he's been out of hospital none of his family have come to see him. They don't even bother ringing him to see how he is, he is always the one to ring them.

With everything thats gone on my OH wanted to get all the family together for Christmas, but they've already decided they're going to his brothers house and of course we don't get an invite. I just think it's absolutely disgusting the way they treat him, my family have shown more care and concern than his, I mean how could anyone do that to there own son?!

This has been building up over the last couple of years, they've always been that way to a certain extent but with whats gone on lately I'm just getting to the point where I just don't even want to bother with them. I obviously can't say anything to my OH, he's been through enough lately, and if anything I normally defend them to him because he's got a bit upset about the lack of concern they've shown to him. I brush it off saying they don't mean anything, of course they care about you etc etc but inside I'm just livid about the whole thing.

I just needed to get this off my chest!

He should stop ringing them then and see if they ring him. People wont make an effort if you make it easy for them!
Just a thought do they know you would like an invite at Christmas!

It seems odd not to enquire about him when ill. Stop ringing and see what happens.

Families rarely change when challenged so i would avoid that. All that happens is that they know you are bothered but they dont change.

I would try not ringing tho maybe and let them miss you?

red_devil

dont worry about them. Its perfectly possible to survive without family.

We dont have much of a family life for various reasons either people dont get on or people cant be bothered they dont have the passion want and desire to meet up etc. The fact that we will all be dead one day and our time is now has still not meant we are happy and close as a unit.


We are happy together though and thats the main thing. If your not careful you can find yourself worrying about family and they are getting on with their life and not worrying about you so why should you?

Try taking abit of happiness out of each day for you and stuff the family.

Whatevers meant to be will be. As long as your happy together thats what counts. It sounds at least as if your partner/hubby has your family anyway. Who gets it all?

red_devil

His dad did say why don't you ring your brother and ask if you can go round on Christmas day, but obviously the OH wasn't keen on doing that, I mean who wants to invite themselves somewhere!

not only that if the brother says no you will feel awful.
If the passion dosent come from the brother or even the father to suggest it to the brother then forget it.

Would you enjoy yourself there anyway?

Errata

This has been building up over the last couple of years, they've always been that way to a certain extent but with whats gone on lately I'm just getting to the point where I just don't even want to bother with them. I obviously can't say anything to my OH, he's been through enough lately, and if anything I normally defend them to him because he's got a bit upset about the lack of concern they've shown to him. I brush it off saying they don't mean anything, of course they care about you etc etc but inside I'm just livid about the whole thing

Don't dismiss his view and feelings about his family, you can't defend the indefensible. Agree with him that they're a bunch of !!!!!! reassure him that you're on his side with this and help him to accept they probably won't change and he may feel better if his expectations of their behaviour are realistic rather than 'wishful'.

Brighton_belle

losingpatience wrote: »

Brighton Belle - I suppose I thought I was doing the right thing, but I can see your point. I just thought I was saving his feelings, but in doing so may have made him feel even worse

I didn't mean to make you feel worse: honestly, it is all a learing curve this sort of thing and you acted with the best of intentions but I do think you should tell him how you feel, especially as you agree with him.

Your OH sounds lovely, as do you and I just think it is a shock when poeple don't act the way your own family does and it takes time to come to terms with that and recognise it truely is unlikely to change.
I have certainly experienced feeling I'm not a nice person for not wanting to spend time with certain family members but now just recognise we are chalk and cheese and that is ok. Of course I would rather we were close but it isn't going to happen sadly.

flippin36

They sound like my in laws. We are the black sheep because we don't go to Church anymore. We don't get invited to anything anymore nor are we told anything about family issues (we find things out from other peoples gossip!). When our son was diagnosed with autism they never even rang to see if we were ok. (They won't even talk about it). They spread rumours around about me, apparently I have the devil on my shoulder and have ruined my OH's life :rolleyes:. They are very "holy" and find fault in everybody and everything.

The truth is they are not my family (as much as I would have liked them to be when we first got married). Since I have realised its perfectly Ok not to like them, and my OH understands why I don't like them, it has all settled down. I don't go anymore, I get on with my life and have accepted that the world didn't stop turning because my in laws didn't like me. In fact it was a very liberating experience. I got my confidence back :T. I let my OH make his own decisions about visiting them (they treat him like the invisible man).

Not much help to you, but knowing its quite a common problem may make you feel a little better.

Hope your OH is on the mend.