Help - young, confused and thinking 'What if?'

Lillibet_2

Felicity wrote:

I think you are being sensible, yes. However, you need to bear in mind that it CAN take a long time to have a baby. I would like to tell you my situation.

If you wait until you are 30 and then conceive straight away then you will (and I do hope you are) be lucky.

I have a career and I have worked very hard for it, my husband and I decided that OK, when when we hit 30 it would be a good time to have babies. We had a 'baby' savings fund (we realised we would have to buy baby cots, car seats etc so wanted to have the money aside) that we put £200 a month into plus extra commission that I had earned into the fund.

A few years on and over £10k in the baby fund, great, but no baby. Many sad times, many hopeful months! Sadly that baby fund will now probably go on IVF treatment which we are just looking into now.

I do not want to be negative for you, but please take my example in mind. Maybe, just maybe if we had tried when we first got married and we were younger, then we would have conceived. Now, it is looking like all of our hard earned money that we had saved to give our child all the best safety gadgets etc will probably be spent on just trying to conceive them.

I really wish you all the best in your situation.

There are several warnings about fertility problems & starting in advacne of your timing plan just in case. A word of warning, it can also happen immediately! I got pregnant the first month trying, que 2 dropped jaws as we had assumed it would take a lot longer given the number of fertility problems you hear about. The fact is that most couples don't experience fertiltiy problems & getting pregnant only takes a few months or less. My advice would be don't assume a problem unless you know one exists, plan as though there isn't one, but be mentally prepared just in case. Even a family history doesn't mean that you will be the same.

And you sound very sensible. Have you tried preparing him by saying in advance.....tonight I want us to sit down & plan a bit about our future.....and maybe you can look at other things too such as how the mortgage payments & house expenses are stacking up against your incomes and then say....so if we cut back here & here & do this it would give us about 3 years to have lots of holidays & get drunk before we start trying for a baby....... I don't know if this would work, just a suggestion?

Oh, and very ofen, men who are very broody, when it comes down to actually starting trying they suddenly see how there lives are going to change & they have a temporary change of heart. Don't worry, it doesn't last, they just scare easily:D

HTH & Good luck;)

monkeychops

I really don't mean to be rude here but why do I get the feeling that he sees you as a "baby machine". You say he split from his first wife because she did not want children. Did he know this before they married. Surely if he loved her he would not just end his marriage like that? Now he is on at you about having a baby. In your position I would certainly wait a while. At 35 he is not that old and he sounds desperate to become a dad

JenIttels

Again, without meaning to be rude or question your relationship do you know if, and obviously i hope it doesn't, it turns out you can not have children will he break things off with you?

lynzpower

Im tending to veer towards what monkeychops is saying. Im having quite a few problems in the gynae dept at the moment, and as a result Im broody as hell. However, I know we are not financially secure, ie can barely pay the bills, so we have a strategy for getting sorted, out of debt, moving, getting married ( MSE style of course;) ) and then I guess we will start trying asap once those things are out of the way. In maybe 2 years ish. IM 28.

I know I have the capacity to encourage, coerce, cajole and generally pressure my OH into parenthood, but im not willing to do it. I know my illness is making me insecure, and a little part of my mind says having a baby will make it all better. It might. But whats the point in having a baby, when Ive pressured my OH into doing something before he was ready? it could get to the point ( luckily i check my behaviour daily lol) where I see him predominantly as a sperm donor, and Im not willing to push my relationship to its limits in that way.

I believe as other posters have said, why not set up a plan if you DO want children, as to the hows, whens and wherefores? I would also get deeper into what really went on with his ex-wife, did she in effect break up the relationship as she couldnt deal with his nagging, I find it difficult to believe that its not something that was discussed before they got wed. What makes him insecure enough that a baby will resolve it ( again not being harsh, of course you know him better than I do!) and work on this.

Additionally, bear in mind that you dont have to give up your career, surely he could stay home and be the stay at home parent?

Felicity

Lillibet wrote:

There are several warnings about fertility problems & starting in advacne of your timing plan just in case. A word of warning, it can also happen immediately! I got pregnant the first month trying, que 2 dropped jaws as we had assumed it would take a lot longer given the number of fertility problems you hear about. The fact is that most couples don't experience fertiltiy problems & getting pregnant only takes a few months or less. My advice would be don't assume a problem unless you know one exists, plan as though there isn't one, but be mentally prepared just in case. Even a family history doesn't mean that you will be the same.

And you sound very sensible. Have you tried preparing him by saying in advance.....tonight I want us to sit down & plan a bit about our future.....and maybe you can look at other things too such as how the mortgage payments & house expenses are stacking up against your incomes and then say....so if we cut back here & here & do this it would give us about 3 years to have lots of holidays & get drunk before we start trying for a baby....... I don't know if this would work, just a suggestion?

Oh, and very ofen, men who are very broody, when it comes down to actually starting trying they suddenly see how there lives are going to change & they have a temporary change of heart. Don't worry, it doesn't last, they just scare easily:D

HTH & Good luck;)

You were very fortunate and I am so pleased for you. I accept that many couples are as fortunate but my words were from my experience and I just wanted to make the OP aware of what can happen.

My advice, maybe misguided for this post and I apologise for hijacking the thread if I did but this is really close to my heart at the moment, was that if you are in a happy relationship and if you are reasonably financially secure, then don't wait for the day you are ready to conceive a baby. That day might not come for 6 months, 6 year or even maybe never.

I agree that if you are in doubts about your relationship or if you can't afford to put the money aside to bring a baby up then it is a no go.

rchddap1

I'm 29 and pregnant at the moment. My partner already has 2 teenage daughters and he has longed for another child for ages. However, he always did whatever made me feel comfortable. Eventually I realised that it was my own fears that was holding me back and that a baby would be nice. I thought about money, about possible complications, about my work etc..... But you can't plan everything and I was simply afraid of the idea of the whole thing.

So eventually I said to him that I was still a bit scared and worried but not to ask the 'questions' any more and we'll see what happens. Something 'happened' a few months later and so far bean and I are doing well. Don't get me wrong...I'm still scared of the 'labour' and of being a 'mum', but I'm getting there.

My partner is also 35 ish. I wonder whether he is concerned that by the time you are ready he will be 'getting on' and won't be able to do as much when the baby is older. There have been a number of occasions where my partner has sat there and said...."crikey when bean is 20 I'll be 55!" Its all because he wants to be a very active parent and he knows that he is getting older.

I also pay the mortgage which does make the financial considerations a tad more important. Does your partner save at the moment? If not I'd do one of two things either encourage him to save, or ask him to pay a proportion of the mortgage. That way he takes on some of your financial responsibility and you have some more cash to put to one side.

Eventually I realised that things would work out financially in the end (one way or the other), but I'd always have my baby to love and care for.

Eels100

Thanks for all the feedback, wow!

Just to answer a few points, without going into it in too much detail he held out for babies in his first marriage because he thought they would fix some fundamental problems within the relationship. Over time the 'one day but not now' attitude of his partner towards children became 'not now not ever', and he also came to realise that it was just as well they didn't have children because they would never have lasted as a couple - they wanted different things.

He met me while I was still studying, and has always known that I had a career which is vital to me. He has always been aware that I would have work priorities, and has never pressured me to have children. When we discuss it, he says 'If you told me you were pregnant I'd be over the moon, but if you're not ready then we wait'. Our main problem is that to me I want to start planning financially until I feel ready career-wise to take time out. He is more of the 'but you can never afford kids if you plan too much!' mentality. We have pretty much agreed that he would give up work to be the carer.

To the poster who made the point about leaving it too late - this plays heavily on my mind, and I thank you for your candid post. I am sorry about what you've gone through, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Eels100 wrote:

Thanks for all the feedback, wow!

Just to answer a few points, without going into it in too much detail he held out for babies in his first marriage because he thought they would fix some fundamental problems within the relationship.quote]

Perhaps you could write an action/business plan for your life? If you both separately do one it will identify convergence and divergence which will give you both something concrete to consider. Identifying why and when you want to start a family could be a starting point for negotiation; babies are neither glue nor a panacea. What might happen if he discovers being a stay at home dad is not what he wants? The house is in your name and you would be the breadwinner - many men, and women, women would hate to be in that position, what would happen if you discover you don't like it that way?
If you're concerned about your fertility, why not talk to Book Advisory, Marie Stopes, local Family Planning? They will give you evidence based figures and facts. Best wishes.

incognito

it is just such a mine field. i am 29 and have been diagnosed with a medical condition which means i could have problems getting pregnant. i have been with my OH for 4 1/2 years now and when we got together initally he said he didnt want kids. after a couple of years i said he needed to make a decision because having kids was not negotiable with me and if he was sure he didnt want any it was probably best that we split up and try to get on with our lives. he thought about it and decided that maybe kids wouldnt be so bad after all (but still looks like he is going to be sick at the mention of them!!). but i am getting older now and am very aware that if i do have problems it could take years and maybe end up with me having ivf ((huge hugs to felicity)). i want to start trying in the next couple of months so there is time to just "wait and see what happens" before i go down the route of drugs and ivf but i cant help feeling i am forcing him into it even though he is the first to admit that he is unlikely to EVER turn round and say 'lets try to get pregnant'. then i start to panic and think that if i do get pregnant he might not be able to get his head round it.
sorry to rant on, i dont really feel like i can talk to anyone about this and when i saw this thread it just brought it all up again!
anyway eels100, i think you need to wait til you are ready and not be pushed into it. i do think it is slightly unfair of him to expect you to set a timetable for having kids but i am all too well aware what it is like when you are desperate to get pregnant and your OH isnt!! make sure you reassure him that this is something that you want, and explain to him that it will be much better for everyone that you are emotionally stable before you get pregnant and that unfortunately that means waiting until your finances are in a better state!

Voyager2002

One practical step: talk to people at work about what would happen if you needed to take maternity leave. If it is a small business that is in the process of getting established then now would NOT be a good time, but there should be a business plan that would indicate when the company would be able to spare you for a few months.

As for saving up for a baby: caring for a baby costs as much or as little as you have available. In practice most of what you need will be available second-hand for minimal costs (NCT sales) or will be given by extended family. The cost of chid-care and/or learning to live on just one income are more significant considerations.