Help - young, confused and thinking 'What if?'

Eels100

I'm only 25. I love my boyfriend, who I've been with for over 3 years. He was previously married (they split when she didn't want children) and he's 10 years older than me. I have a good career (professional) that I'm only 2 years into. He has moved to be with me, and works but not in a 'career' job.

We've talked about children but we end up arguing. He does obviously want children, as do I, but I feel like now is too soon (we've literally just bought a house and we haven't even got a feel for mortgage payments yet).

I want to say 'babies are go' when A) my workplace - I work in a small business about which I care a lot, and expect to return to - is at a good point for me to be off for a while, we have enough savings that we can afford to pay for baby, pay for any unexpected expenses. and have savings for one of us to be off work for a long period and C) before I'm 30. He doesn't want to hear the 'baby' word until I am ready to start trying (he really wants kids).

I get upset because I want him to understand how important financial security is to me (my parents struggled to bring us up well on their very limited income, and we have no excuse for that), but he gets upset because due to past experience he wants to know exactly when it's 'OK' to try, and isn't interested before. He doesn't register how important it is for me to be able to provide for baby and for us. My idea of starting to plan for kids is to start saving and adjusting our lifestyle, his is just more sex I think! I earn significantly more and the house is in my name so I feel very responsible.

Any comments/words of wisdom/comfort etc?

lil_me

Sounds like you are very sensible. No idea how to pass your mature approach on to him but I hope you can.

Juicy_Tube

I think it has to be the 'right' time for both of you..

I wanted to have a baby long before hubby did.. he always said, " I don't feel ready" and I didn't understand that! Then one day he piped up, " I am ready" and off we went, so to speak. We now have a beautiful baby boy! He is now 5 months old and we are incredibly happy..!!

I think it is important that both partners want to have a child at the same time and not be pressured in to it. I know of 2 couples who are splitting up already because one pressured the other. You will know when the time is right for you.

Money wise it is never a good time to have a baby.. No matter how much or little you have...x

HTH

JT x

Anniek1969

I think you're being sensible by getting used to paying mortgage and putting some money away. I don't know that there is a right time to have babies but financially you can never really prepare.

I had my first when I was 23 and he was 26 and I was more than ready having already had 4nephews and 2 nieces, but my DH was definately not. I wanted to stay in with my family and he wanted to go out with his mates. At that time it was what I needed and so he just went along with it. We had our second 2yrs later again it was more what I wanted than him. He has always been a great dad but I don't think he was mature enough for the responsiblities of fatherhood at that time. Our relationship wasn't great at this time and to be honest if we didn't have the girls I don't know that we would have stuck together.

I always wanted more kids but he was never very keen until about 5 years ago, we had worked hard at our relationship and I think that we were finally in the same place and both agreed that we wanted another baby. This has definately been the best decision we have ever made. We had another daughter in March 2003 and our whole family is happier than ever.

I think sometimes you just know when the time is right but you might not both be in the same place and so someone has to compromise. I think in your position I can see where he is coming from as some men feel broody too but I think you're being sensible and waiting a couple of years. What you have to remember is that it takes 9 months for a baby to be born but that's not to say how long it might take to conceive so if I were you and you want to start a family before you're 30 I would give it another year and then start trying. This will give you probably around another 2 years before you actually have a baby and if you say to him we'll spend the next year working and saving hard then we can start trying after that, it might be enough for him just to know when you want to start trying. If his first marriage broke down because of this he's probably frightened that he's going to lose you too. I think you just need to reassure him that you do want to have his children but maybe not for another year or so.

Good luck whatever you decide.

hobo28

If you wait until you can afford to have children, you'll never have them. There's always going to be one more thing to save up for, one more holiday, nicer car etc.

I had my first when I was 23. I love my children dearly but if I could pick a time, I'd have waited a few years longer.

The problem you have is that if you say that you'll have kids say before your 30 then he'll be pestering you all the time. If you say at 29, you'll just delay the inevitable and the pressure will just grow.

I think that 3 years is still not a long time for a relationship.

Do you REALLY want to have children at some point? If so, why don't you suggest that children is something you'll consider more strongly after your married? Puts the ball back in his court a bit. That would give you some time as it take a long time to plan a wedding which will give you both the time you need and a bit more security.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Hope this helps. A baby will be a joint venture, but your house purchase hasn't been. Do you need to think about why that happened?
Being a family should be about sharing the good stuff as well as the bad, and taking joint responsibility for everything that affects family life.

davilown

I married young (aged 20 8 years ago) and have two kids 7 + 9. all i have to add to the excellent advice that fellow mse'er have left is that life is for living and not earning. yes its a very very big pain financially if you have kids at this stage but my belief is that if you love him and this love is reciprocated, go for it. There is no greater reward than seeing your children grow up and the enjoyment and eneviatable hard parts (sorry can't spell today!).
so you may be stretched financially for a while but you need to sort out your priorities. If work is more important for you then so it is. Nobody can tell you what to feel and when to do certain things.
whenever you decide that cits the right time, remember that you'll still have plenty of time when they've left home for that (plus looking after the grandkids!).

what ever you decide, do it for the right reasons and not because somebody told you so.

good luck and best wishes

:beer: monster

Eels100

Dora_the_Explorer wrote:

Hope this helps. A baby will be a joint venture, but your house purchase hasn't been. Do you need to think about why that happened?
Being a family should be about sharing the good stuff as well as the bad, and taking joint responsibility for everything that affects family life.

The house is in my name for credit reasons - he has adverse credit history following his marriage. Thankfully we're pretty much sorted now but I could get a much better deal by going solo, and I don't want to be associated with him financially until such time as his record is sparkling again.

I think perhaps I am the problem here - partly because of my career and partly because I need to be in control and the house has just compounded that. Some big-time thinking required on my part. Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom and experience people, it's all appreciated very much.

bootcampbilly

You don't want to end up a few years down the line thinking "If Only..."

Felicity

I think you are being sensible, yes. However, you need to bear in mind that it CAN take a long time to have a baby. I would like to tell you my situation.

If you wait until you are 30 and then conceive straight away then you will (and I do hope you are) be lucky.

I have a career and I have worked very hard for it, my husband and I decided that OK, when when we hit 30 it would be a good time to have babies. We had a 'baby' savings fund (we realised we would have to buy baby cots, car seats etc so wanted to have the money aside) that we put £200 a month into plus extra commission that I had earned into the fund.

A few years on and over £10k in the baby fund, great, but no baby. Many sad times, many hopeful months! Sadly that baby fund will now probably go on IVF treatment which we are just looking into now.

I do not want to be negative for you, but please take my example in mind. Maybe, just maybe if we had tried when we first got married and we were younger, then we would have conceived. Now, it is looking like all of our hard earned money that we had saved to give our child all the best safety gadgets etc will probably be spent on just trying to conceive them.

I really wish you all the best in your situation.

pennies_from_heaven_2

Sounds like your being very sensible.

financial security is important to you and he should respect that. Your still young enough to save and have a good career. your boyfriend sounds as if having a child is everything when you too ned to be secure in your relationship, have trust love and respect. It sounds as if you have one out of three.
continue with your career and maybe help him to relise his potential and what career he may want help and encourage him.

Good luck to you both may you be blessed in future years with what your hear tdesires
xx;) :A