Dilemma re contact - no idea what to do?

HalfPint

I'm sorry if this isn't quite in the right place, guidey, feel free to move it if required.

I have a dilemma and I'm sticking my head in the sand! I have 2 kids who haven't seen their natural father in 5 years (ages are 11 & 8) It was his choice not to have contact...he has no restriction on access. There has been no contact at all i.e. no b'day cards, xmas cards emails, calls etc etc.

Whilst I know csa & contact are two different issues, in my case it is relevant. I have to continually chase the csa to continually chase him...he only pays when they issue a DOE order. He avoids paying me at all. Every year he does something, moves, leaves his job etc etc about 3 months before xmas to get out of paying the csa. It has always been like this and when he did see the kids...I had to badger him to take them. :mad:

A couple of weeks ago (I did say I was sticking my head in the sand) he requested to be "my friend" on a well known site and I dont know what to do!!!!

After 5 years, I don't want him back in our lives..my kids are happy, loved and secure...my daughter is angry at him, my son doesn't remember him. I know I'm being selfish...it's causing me so much heartache cause I know he has a right to see them but I don't think he deserves them! :mad: also, I'm a bit concerned at what I found online that was, lets just say, a bit x-rated. I don't want him having access to information about my life now (he was a nasty, horrible person) We haven't moved, changed tel numbers or email. I have no information for him...last time we spoke 5 years ago he refused to give me his tel number or address

I know NRP rights are a hotly debated subjected so please be nice and I do understand....my OH is a NRP and we fight tooth and nail to see his son.

I just feel confused and angry....also hurt for my kids, especially my daughter who took a long time to get her head round the fact that there was no reason for him to not remain in contact and that it was not her's or my fault.

I've got myself in such a stew over this and I have no idea what to do. :sad:

HP x

lynzpower

If he is a nasty horribl person, then just ignore his request. Or better choose "I do not know this person".

He cannot use this against you so let it go, just simply say er no thanks.

Emmzi

I agree with lynz. just ignore with a cleqr conscience. he isn't actually your friend now, is he?

best bet with all these sites is only friending people you are a friend to in real life.

DVardysShadow

Just leave the online contact aside. I don't really think it is a valid route to make contact, especially when there are other means available

maggied_2

I would agree - we're going through the process of legally securing access for my OH's DD - there is a framework there if he wants to be part of his children's lives so he can use it.

Ignore him and then block him in your privacy settings.

Zazen999

T'internet is supposed to be fun.

Block him.

HalfPint

Thank you for replying.

I guess I've been wrestling with my morals...morally I think this might be his way of trying to re-establish contact, but you are right, there are other better means for doing this. Also, knowing what he's done in the past, my instict are screaming at me that he will only cause me and my family heartache. The selfish part of me wants to keep my kids safe and to myself and the money mind in me is saying use it to my advantage. You can see why I'm confused.

I wont be accepting him as a friend because money doesn't matter and I can live without his...done it before, doing it now and will do so in the future...he is no friend of mine and again, you are quite right in saying "only accept people who are friends in real life"

I'm not opening the door for him to cause me and my family more pain...he can use the proper channels if he wants contact. I think putting it down on here has helped me see things a bit more clearly....and less clouded by my own emotions. Even now, it hurts when I think about what I lost and what me and my kids went through but we've moved on and are happy again...thats what's important.

I'm trusting my instincts and not opening this potential can of worms.

HP x

Zazen999

HalfPint wrote: »

Thank you for replying.

I guess I've been wrestling with my morals...morally I think this might be his way of trying to re-establish contact, but you are right, there are other better means for doing this. Also, knowing what he's done in the past, my instict are screaming at me that he will only cause me and my family heartache. The selfish part of me wants to keep my kids safe and to myself and the money mind in me is saying use it to my advantage. You can see why I'm confused.

I wont be accepting him as a friend because money doesn't matter and I can live without his...done it before, doing it now and will do so in the future...he is no friend of mine and again, you are quite right in saying "only accept people who are friends in real life"

I'm not opening the door for him to cause me and my family more pain...he can use the proper channels if he wants contact. I think putting it down on here has helped me see things a bit more clearly....and less clouded by my own emotions. Even now, it hurts when I think about what I lost and what me and my kids went through but we've moved on and are happy again...thats what's important.

I'm trusting my instincts and not opening this potential can of worms.

HP x

you could always open a second named account and post false info on it - put on it what you want him to see.

cmarkham

Hi, my ex has just made contact after ignoring my 2 DS for 6 years, same kind of probs with CSA etc. It is a nightmare, my kids are having a really tough time with it and so am I. He only wanted contact after my husband decided to adopt them. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and I am just waiting for him to let them down again so that I can pick up the pieces for the last time. Anyway my advice is to avoid it if possible, kids need people who will give them stability not wander in and out when the mood takes them. Good luck with whatever u decide.

HalfPint

cmarkham, thats exactly what I'm worried about. My kids are happy and settled, they have a (step) big brother and a little brother now...the phrase "if it aint broke" comes to mind. He could have contacted us and I won't accept excuses like he lost our address and telephone number. (he's tried that on in the past). I know contact and cs are sep issues but why now? he wont support them financially, has never supported them emotionally! grrr it's just such mess..draggin up the past. I want to be fair to my kids.

HalfPint

Zazen...I had thought about trying that:o though not sure how to go about it. (as in shoud I use my real name and only put basic info on there....or use a completely fake name and see if he accepts the friend request) hmm...not sure if I morally want to go there.

HP x