OH thinks differently

calleyw

As has been said to do this you need to be a working on a united front. And it is not going to work if you are taking sandwiches to work and they are buying sandwiches from M&S.

I think the best think until they have had a full beam light bulb moment is to keep your finances seperate. So you pay as much as you can off what you owe and let her get on with it.

This will either make or break you. I hope that it makes you as a couple and bring you close together. Prehaps you need to have competition to see how little you can each spend per week.

And using stress is a cope out for why £75 was spent on going out. We all have stress of varying degrees in our lives. But I don't go spending £75 because of it beacuse it is just money we don't have.

At one stage even though we not in debt due to the stress of my job we started going out for tea a couple of times a week. We could afford it but there was no need to go out when I had a cupboards full of food. Why did we go out. Because I just could not face going home and having to cook. And just did not want to go home just yet as it was boring. I soon stopped it as it was no good for my bank balance or my waist line.

All the best no matter what happens.


Yours


Calley

homersimpson_3

So, when the OH phoned up, sounding stressed and upset, and suggests that we go out for a nice meal and a movie last week, I say yes. £75 later.....worth it to see my OH laugh and smile, and forget about her situation for a while.

why £75 for a meal and cinema- why not just pay £10 for monthly pass and say pubs with 2 meals for a £5 if you need to go out?

DrEvil_2

8pnoodles wrote:

So instead I did it subtly.

That's great advice:T .

My wife is slowly changing. She's very proud, and doesn't like me pointing out that she may be doing something wrong. So subtlety will be my watchword It's just going to take time. Even now she surprises me, and tells me that we don't need something.

Good luck with the wedding in Sept 8pnoodle. We got married last year and it was the best day of my life. When she walked into the church, I understood what "took my breath away" means.

Thanks for all your great posts. Keep 'em coming

CAFCGirl

I think applauding the OH for the changes they do make is well worth it too!

It might not be fully up to the point you're at but at least then she'll feel like she is getting some recognition for what changes she is making, and like most people being congratulated makes you want to do it more, and better than before!

So if she says oh I did manage to get such and such on offer then say well done, how did you notice that......... and led on into giving her tips without it seeming like you're force feeding her. Like say ohh I read somewhere that even though Tesco put all the offers on the end of aisles, theres 9 times out of ten a cheaper one down the aisle, its to stop people looking for the real bargain, isnt that quite manipulative.............

That might not make much sense but I'm sure ykwim!

southernscouser

missk_ensington wrote:

I have zero sympahy for people in debt because they got a £5,000 loan for a conservatory, another £10,000 for a new car and put £2-3,000 on CC's for holidays and nights out.

Glad to see we can rely on you for support and guidance! :beer: :rolleyes:

Dr.Lou

Dr Evil,

I think you need to dangle a carrot in front of your wife and sit down and decide what you both aim to get out of life; be it as big or as small as you want. Then make a plan to get there together, and chip away at the debt at a pace which is bearable for you. You will get there in the end.

Do not deprive yourselves too much, plan in little treats which will keep you going...look at ways you can entertain yourselves in a cheaper or free way. Eg. cinema, look for free cinema screenings on the freebie board or go on orange wednesdays. Meals out plan them in advance and look for BOGOF tokens etc. Can you make your wife some sarnies to take to work the same time you are making yours so she doesn't go and spend on the sushi.

I think what is important is setting a common goal, making a plan to get there and planning something wonderful for when you are debt free and can pay for something which you have saved up for. Good Luck!

nelly_2

Try this.

Work out how much interest you will be paying over the next 12 months. (I'm guessing its going to be a few hundred quid or more), then present that as money that could be spent on yourselves rather than simply giving it to the loan company.

It may help to hammer home the problem.

dudleyboy

nelly wrote:

Try this.

Work out how much interest you will be paying over the next 12 months. (I'm guessing its going to be a few hundred quid or more), then present that as money that could be spent on yourselves rather than simply giving it to the loan company.

It may help to hammer home the problem.

I think that's a great idea! The amount of interest I was paying was a huge eye-opener for me - as was the insiginificant amount i was actually repaying once interest had been accounted for.

I think it's not until you see the figures written down in black and white, and the realisation of what else you could be spending it on, that it really hits home!

If subtilty is the carrot then this is a pretty good stick.

missk_ensington

I didn't mean to be harsh towards to OP, but I have seen firsthand a debt situation when it reaches £90,000+ and bankruptcy is th only option. I was clean of any debt, my ex with 90k and I cannot begin to explain the heartache that considering bankruptcy would bring- Your failure being announced in the papers, having to stand up in court and explain why youre a financial liability, then as my ex was a self-emplyed tiler he wouldn't be able to get a bank account, I was considering joining the police force until the application forms asked who you live with and if you or your partner is in debt/been bankrupt, so that went out the window.

Further, our relationship broke down because he was depressed and moody (presumably because he knew he was 40 and had nothing, and had failed his perceived role as the 'alpha male') He felt juvenile at the prospect of never being able to have anything more than a Visa electron for the next how many years, as well as never ever being able to own a house because at 40 plus several years he would never get a mortgage, then after that he wouldn't get a mortgage because he'd be too old.

These are just off the top of my head, and I wanted the OP to realise that frivolous spending on nights out when you're already on a slippery slope, can have dire consequences. Its too late to say 'Oh, I wish we hadn't gone on that holiday' when you're filing for bankruptcy and having your house taken and your car towed away!

Your OH needs to realise this, and you need separate bank accounts. Set up A Direct Debit each from your personal accounts for the same amount each month, but Joint Accounts don't work when one saves and one spends.

After so long I couldn't cope with it, I'd be dead chuffed cos my Tesco till receipt said 'This visit you have saved £11.36' I would get home and he would have ordered a chinese takeaway!

My aunty and uncle are the same, he's useless so she controls the finances and give him spending money!

Mirtos

Hi Dr Evil,I have a similar OH problem, I've recently gone all out to clear my debt asap - I'm aiming for 2 years from now! - but he has a higher income and less debt than me, and so has a bit more cash to play with. However, as we split EVERYTHING 50/50, I have to pay half of the grocery bill whether we buy the luxury or budget range! On our last shop, as we went round, I made a point of deliberately downshifting at least 2 notches - so from luxury to budget, rather than just from luxury to own brand. OH had a bit of a moan about stuff not being as good, and it made me very cross. (Especially as I bought some tesco budget jaffa cakes to take to work as part of packed lunches and he went and ate the bl**dy lot!) However, this last couple of weeks, he has seen me listing all my stuff on amazon and ebay in an attempt to get a bit more cash to pay off a cc, and I think suddenly it has sunk in. He sees how hard it is for me to sell stuff that I want to keep, and understands how important getting debt free is to me. He's become very supportive. Maybe let your OH see just how much being debt free would mean to you - how it would change your life together for the better - anyone that loves you will do their best to help put your mind at rest.