an alternative to a nursing home?

countrybum

I will do and thanks everyone for your help/ideas

ladylumps45

hi,
my nan was taken ill and went into hospital in aug this year.she had rapidly progressing dementia which started suddenly(apparently the unfamiliar surroundings added to her state of mind).she was very poorly with pneumonia and gastric bleeding but pulled through.
she was living with my mum until the hospitalisation but mum told the hospital that she couldnt cope with nan anymore.
a meeting was held with family,care worker and nursing staff and it was decided(not by me as i refused to attend)that nan would go into residential care full time and that she needed residential care and not nursing home care as her medical needs could be catered for at a residential home.
mum told my nan this in hospital and at the time my nans mind flitted from being totally sane to not.nan was absolutely devastated and hurt as she didnt want to go.i tried to fight for her but my mum and sister refused her to go home,even with a care package.i felt nan deserved to go where she wanted and it caused a terrible family split.
the care home was brilliant in every way but it just wasnt home to my nan.i begged mum to have her back with carers 3 times a day but to no avail.
my nan ended up back in hospital and went back to the care home to die as mum wouldnt have her back ,even for the last week of her life.she sadly passed away end oct.she raised me and deserved to have her wish to go home.
i feel i let my nan down but i tried everything i could to enable her to go home.
i would get an assessment done by SS and ask them about care packages.they do a financial assessment on your grandad to see if he has to pay towards the care but it would enable him to stay at home maybe and have his wish.

Caroline73_2

countrybum wrote: »

I understand the frustration with carers not doing a thorough job, but if your parents are there, could they not stipulate what they expect them to do and to what standard? After all, they are paying for them.

Absolutely, but then as my mum says whats the point of them doing it if she has to help/show them? She may as well do it.
Its a very tough situation and I'm glad to know there are others that have had to face these decisions - thanks for all your input.

Grandad isn't violent at all, but he seems to have problems with his memory and can get quite muddled.[/QUOTE]

I used to be a manager of a care agency, an a problem we often encountered was that the carers went in but the client often refused to have a full wash, sit on the toilet etc. Is this a problem?

ladylumps45

i wouldnt think it would matter if they refused a wash in their own home or in a care home-either way i dont think the staff can make them.

Caroline73_2

ladylumps45 wrote: »

i wouldnt think it would matter if they refused a wash in their own home or in a care home-either way i dont think the staff can make them.

Goodness no! That would be awful. I was refering to the the OP's comment about carers not doing a thorough job. Sometimes it's not through lack of trying on the carers part.

countrybum

I totally agree, I'm not having a go at the carers, I know how difficult it can be. He can be very stubborn indeed and will refuse point blank to do anything, even been taken to the toilet when you know he needs to. This is a reason I'm not sure extra carers are the answer. I also agree with the other post in reference to her nan, I would hate to think this could happen

ladylumps45

its such a hard situation for you.when people are elderly i guess some of them just want to be left alone.
i wonder what happens if they refuse to be washed etc and get sores etc from lack of hygiene.can the family be held responsible if the person lives at home with them,even though they refuse personal care?

anguk

ladylumps45 wrote: »

hi,
my nan was taken ill and went into hospital in aug this year.she had rapidly progressing dementia which started suddenly(apparently the unfamiliar surroundings added to her state of mind).she was very poorly with pneumonia and gastric bleeding but pulled through.
she was living with my mum until the hospitalisation but mum told the hospital that she couldnt cope with nan anymore.
a meeting was held with family,care worker and nursing staff and it was decided(not by me as i refused to attend)that nan would go into residential care full time and that she needed residential care and not nursing home care as her medical needs could be catered for at a residential home.
mum told my nan this in hospital and at the time my nans mind flitted from being totally sane to not.nan was absolutely devastated and hurt as she didnt want to go.i tried to fight for her but my mum and sister refused her to go home,even with a care package.i felt nan deserved to go where she wanted and it caused a terrible family split.
the care home was brilliant in every way but it just wasnt home to my nan.i begged mum to have her back with carers 3 times a day but to no avail.
my nan ended up back in hospital and went back to the care home to die as mum wouldnt have her back ,even for the last week of her life.she sadly passed away end oct.she raised me and deserved to have her wish to go home.
i feel i let my nan down but i tried everything i could to enable her to go home.
i would get an assessment done by SS and ask them about care packages.they do a financial assessment on your grandad to see if he has to pay towards the care but it would enable him to stay at home maybe and have his wish.

I'm really sorry about your Nan and it must have been a terrible time for you but in my opinion if your mother was going to be the one to be caring for your Nan and ultimately be responsible for her then the decision to have her at home had to be hers.

It really is an awful decision both for the elderly person and the family who will be caring for them. It's perfectly understandable that the elderly person may not want to go into a home but looking after someone full-time can be absolutely devasting both physically and mentally for the carer. And it's often a thankless task.

I've already told my children that when I become unable to look after myself they must put me into a home, I don't want the burden and responsibilty to be put on their shoulders. I've told them they must never, ever feel guilty as this is what I want. I realise that when I get older my mind may also go (this has happened to both my grandmothers) and I may then say I don't want to go into a home but I've told my kids they have to remember what my wishes were when I was younger and of sound mind.

julie03

this is such a dilema, my nan is in hospital at the moment with a suspected mini stroke, before she was very active , her son, my uncle is talking about putting her in a home and is planning to clear her flat after xmas, she is in charity sheltered housing. i would prefer to wait and see if she gets any better and could manage with carers but i feel akward saying anything. she doesnt want to live with family as she feels humiliated having family change her and dress her. its hard to know what to do for the best

ladylumps45

anguk,you are right,it was down to my mum to decide.
i just wish that she had tried and if she couldnt cope then i would have understood.i offered to do everything i could even though im limited due to health reasons and i also said to mum that nan could live with me and mine.
my nan had raised my sister and i and always been there for us and my mum(her daughter)and i loved her more than my mum.
i feel that she was always there for us but when it came to the crunch mum wasnt there for her.
it would have only been for 3 months as she died and it was expected that she was dying.
even for the last week mum could have had her home but i feel my mum was very selfish.if it hadnt been for my nan,mum would never have the bungalow she and nan lived in (its housing association rented).
i worked in a EMI unit(nights when the patients come alive) and i know how hard it is but i personally would rather keep the family member at home and try all avenues rather than place them in a home as i feel this should be a last resort.