tracing my ex

Kimitatsu

koobster wrote: »

it was one of those websites that i tried but he is only found at his old address when he was on the voters roll and now he has taken himself off. the csa can't tell me and his work wont tell me either and he thought it was funny to tell me that all their bills are in his wifes name so he is impossible to find. it makes me so angry coz i know from his dad that he is very lovin to his new kids and he told me that he nevr loved ours

Thing is koobster it is his loss not yours. My ex turned around and told me when he left that he never wanted our children - bothered! I did and I love them to bits and am thankful every day that I have them, I never remember him saying at the time that he didnt want kids :rolleyes:

If he doesnt want to see your kids then you are better off without him, because he will only bring heartache and upset to those children. Let him go, strangely I can almost guarantee once you do then he will appear more than he ever did, for some people its just about control.

Legally he is within the letter if not the spirit of the law, there is nothing else you can do.

shell_542

Getting his address, sending a letter and being ignored once more is not going to get rid of any of your anger or answer your daughters questions. It sounds like you are better off just explaining to your daughter that he won't communicate and try to leave it x

Loopy_Girl

Kimitatsu wrote: »

Thing is koobster it is his loss not yours.

YOu know (and this is SO not a personal thing at you Kit and just a general remark) but I HATE when people say that....oh it's his loss not hers. It's not his loss - he doesn't care - but it is the loss of the children that want to see both their parents which is something every child has the right to have.

Koobster...I totally empathise. I am in exactly the same situation save for having an 8 year old and no CS paid. The explanation I give to my daughter (if you can call it that) is that I have no idea why her Dad oesn't see her, but always remember that Mummy loves you very much, and when you are a grown up then you can go and see him. Now I am 'lucky' in the sense that I know where he is but if your daughter is 15 it's probably near exam time and the hormones will be all over the place and how do you think she would cope with a potential door in the face being slammed - metaphorically speaking?

He's clearly not wanting contact and she is still a child under your care and you have to think of her. Why not suggest she gets exams etc out the way and then, when she is 16, you will support her trying to trace him but ultimately it will be her journey so to speak.

It's not looking good and, as I say, I totally know where you are coming from but you an't force a male (well, hardly a man is he?) to have contact with his children.

Just my thoughts...chin up

Kimitatsu

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

YOu know (and this is SO not a personal thing at you Kit and just a general remark) but I HATE when people say that....oh it's his loss not hers. It's not his loss - he doesn't care - but it is the loss of the children that want to see both their parents which is something every child has the right to have.

Koobster...I totally empathise. I am in exactly the same situation save for having an 8 year old and no CS paid. The explanation I give to my daughter (if you can call it that) is that I have no idea why her Dad oesn't see her, but always remember that Mummy loves you very much, and when you are a grown up then you can go and see him. Now I am 'lucky' in the sense that I know where he is but if your daughter is 15 it's probably near exam time and the hormones will be all over the place and how do you think she would cope with a potential door in the face being slammed - metaphorically speaking?

He's clearly not wanting contact and she is still a child under your care and you have to think of her. Why not suggest she gets exams etc out the way and then, when she is 16, you will support her trying to trace him but ultimately it will be her journey so to speak.

It's not looking good and, as I say, I totally know where you are coming from but you an't force a male (well, hardly a man is he?) to have contact with his children.

Just my thoughts...chin up

LG I know its not personal and we all have our opinions

I think we have all had the same conversation at some point with our children, and koobster I really feel for you because there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt and not being able to do anything about it.

One she is 16 (good suggestion LG) then she could try the salvation army, they act as a go between and will trace him and ask him if he wants to contact her, if he does not then at least she knows she has tried.

Mojisola

You mention something about his work - could she send a letter to him through them?

Loopy_Girl

Mojisola wrote: »

You mention something about his work - could she send a letter to him through them?

Might be a bit embarrassing if that gets opened in a postroom and could further 'enrage' (wrong word but it's all I can think of at the mo:o) him even more and dig his heels in further

Just a thought

It's a fair idea though although I feel a softly softly approach is needed here. Sadly

koobster

it is a horrible feeling knowing that the father of your children doesn't care whether you all live or die. He has his new life with his new family and by all accounts he is a very lovin dad to them. he told us that we were a mistake and thst he wishes we'd disapeer

shell_542

koobster wrote: »

it is a horrible feeling knowing that the father of your children doesn't care whether you all live or die. He has his new life with his new family and by all accounts he is a very lovin dad to them. he told us that we were a mistake and thst he wishes we'd disapeer

It must be awful But you cannot change his attitude or behaviour. It is probably better (in my opinion anyway) to try and focus on making all your lives the best you can, rather than hanging onto the hope that he can be forced/will suddenly change to want to be involved with your children.

DX2

koobster wrote: »

it is a horrible feeling knowing that the father of your children doesn't care whether you all live or die. He has his new life with his new family and by all accounts he is a very lovin dad to them. he told us that we were a mistake and thst he wishes we'd disapeer

He's a bell end! I have one just the same.

webitha

koobster wrote: »

it is a horrible feeling knowing that the father of your children doesn't care whether you all live or die. He has his new life with his new family and by all accounts he is a very lovin dad to them. he told us that we were a mistake and thst he wishes we'd disapeer

what a twonk but unfortunately there is nowt you can do about it

i have had a thought, and im sorry, i dont mean to cause upset or offense, but,
have you thought that the reason he doesnt want contact, is the fact his "new family" doesnt know about you