Divorce advice

hawkwind

Sadly my wife is an alcoholic and i can no longer live with her.
I am fed up with coming home from work every night to her abuse, and as she refuses to seek help for her drinking then i feel like i have no choice.

I also have a ten year old son and it breaks my heart to have to let him watch this.
But i think it would be best for the moment if i moved elsewhere by myself as the little fella worships his mum, and it will most likely end up as a really messy divorce.

We have a house which is in my name and is worth about £100,000 with a £22,550 endowment mortgage that still has 11 years to run.

We also have a car in my wifes name although there is a loan for it for £6,500 in my name.

I currently take home £891 a month, if i were to live in rented accommodation of about £400 a month does anyone know how i will be financially with the child support agency and with regards to paying the morgage and car loan.

I just cannot get my head around things at the moment as the way things are at home i never get more than 4 hours sleep a night.

Would it be possible for me to buy out my wife and her move into rented accommodation?

I would really prefer it if my son came with me but i want to try and keep things as amicable as possible for his sake which would definately not be the case i were to try and take him.

Could an option be to let my wife live in the house until he leaves home.

Thanks if anyone can offer any advice to help me get through this as smoothly as possible.

Bossyboots

I'm not sure where to start on this. You have my heartfelt sympathy. Some of our close friends went through this three years ago and it was so distressing.

I have to say first off though that despite your good intentions, I am surprised you are contemplating leaving your son with your wife. The wife of our friends just drank more and more until she was incapable of doing anything. Her husband left but had to come back after the children begged him to. Their lives were falling apart too. If she is not going to get help, your son is going to suffer. The upshot of that could be that someone calls in social services and your son is removed from her care anyway.

With our friends, eventually, the wife agreed to move out and her eldest daughter felt compelled to go with her (she was 16) as she was not sure what would happen to her mum if she was left alone but the net result of that has been that this extremely academic girl who wanted to become a teacher and had brilliant exam results before, didn't complete her A-levels and is now packing in a factory. (Nothing wrong with that as a job, don't get me wrong, but she had such high hopes and it was only the problems with her mum that has left her unable to realise her potential).

I can't express to you how much harm your son is at risk of by what he has witnessed so far and what could happen if he is left with your wife. He is at risk of emotional harm at the very least and this is a ground for him to be taken into care.

You wife remaining in the property until your son leaves school, or she remarries or cohabits is a standard option in divorce if you decide to leave your son there. The preference is to achieve a clean break so there is no financial link between you anymore but that doesn't sound like an option here. It does sound though as if you may struggle to meet all your financial obligations if you go down this route.

It does sound that your best option is for your wife to move out into rented accommodation, with a pay off from you to get her started but for your son to stay with you. That, like it was for my friend, might just be the wake up call she needs. It took time, but after my friend realised she had lost her two youngest children (who initially would not even speak to her, never mind see her) and damaged her elder daughter's life and had lost her home, she got her act together and sobered up. Unfortunately it did not last and she did lapse but at this moment in time she is drink free and has a good job. You wife might struggle on her own but it looks like that is what it might take. It might just be enough to sober her up and give you a chance to work out your relationship, but in all this, your son really has to be a primary concern.

I am sorry my advice is not really conducive to making life easy, but you have a child to think about and, as I say, I have already tried to help a family through all this and seen the devastation an alcoholic can cause.

Prudent

Its sounds a hard placeto be. The csa will take 15% of your net income. You couldcome to some arrangement where you keep a stake in the house until your son is old enough to leave home.Then it could be sold with you getting a percentage of the sale - or your wife could buy you out at this stage.

Prudent

Cross posted with bossyboots and can only endorse her comments about looking after your son yourself.

homersimpson_3

Sadly my wife is an alcoholic and i can no longer live with her.
I am fed up with coming home from work every night to her abuse, and as she refuses to seek help for her drinking then i feel like i have no choice.

Why she is alcoholic- how long?- define abuse- why is she refusing help?- have you contacted one of agencies which helps famalies where one is alcholic?- see other site on forum- most importantly do you still love her?

when you get a divorce a court will look at all the circumstances - whilst the house is in your name court will look at all circumstances and overriding consideration for residence/contact will be what's in best interests of child. does wife work- what contribution has she made to house (e.g. housework, paying for things off than mortgage etc)- any prenuptual agreement?

I would really prefer it if my son came with me but i want to try and keep things as amicable as possible for his sake which would definately not be the case i were to try and take him.

If you are working full-time what about child care? Who will look after him when he gets home from school? School holidays? If son is 10 does he has sufficient understanding to say who he wants to live with? Court Welfare Officer may speak to him and court will take his views into consideration? Is child at risk whatsoever because mum alcoholic? If so why haven't you done anything up to now?

I just cannot get my head around things at the moment as the way things are at home i never get more than 4 hours sleep a night.

Why?

Could an option be to let my wife live in the house until he leaves home.

tone of conversation suggests you will decide what happens about finances- the court may make the decision for you- likely court will order this.

carly

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if the situation is as bad as you say, there is no way you should even consider leaving a 10 year old boy in her care. This will do him immense long term harm, much more than the trauma of any divorce or being separated from her. It could be dangerous too. If you cant cope with it, how do you expect him to ? Are there no grandparents or other family members who could help ? Leaving is taking the easy way out, he doesnt have that option. Try to make her get help. Think about your son's life if one parent walks out and the other is an alcoholic. It will be awful. I speak from experience and I know how bad it is.

calleyw

I am sorry to hear about your problems. You have a lot going on at the moment.

So don't make any rash decisions. You need to seek legal advice so see if you can book an appointment with a solictor and also try the CAB.

If things are as bad as you claim I like some other posters would not be happy to leave my child behind.

I wish you all the best what ever happens.

Take care.


Yours


Calley

hawkwind

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Yes the sensible thing for me to do is to take my son with me, the worrying thing is that i know just how messy this will become if (when) i do.

She has always liked a drink, but has been drinking from mid afternoon on for about 4 years now.
She did finally seek help from January last year for about 3 months and in that time she changed back into the lovely kind warm funny and caring person that i first met, before turning back to the bottle.
I do fear that it would be the end for her if i were to take him.

There is a lot of hard and heartbreaking decisions to be made but i must do something and make my son my top priority.

I did see a couple of solicitors for advice a few months ago, and they both said that it would be very difficult situation as i was what they call in the poverty trap, and it was highly likely that the courts would still rule in my wifes favour for the main care and control of our son despite the alcohol situation.

Thank you once again for taking time to reply to my post.

Bossyboots

I think you have been poorly advised. Your wife's situation is one in which no child should be left and if the court believes you, I can't see that they would agree to him staying with her.

Do you know why she drinks? She managed to stop and has started again. What do you think the reason for that is? Could she be feeling lonely or inadequate? She obviously has something going on that she is hiding from in the bottle.

hawkwind

She first started drinking in the afternoon when she was friends with a woman who had one or two halves each day.

It just progressed from there, she has always liked a drink and tended to be a binge drinker, once she started having these 1 or 2 a day it soon progressed to binge drinking in the afternoon.

She did have an accident 6-7 years ago so she is in a lot of pain as she has had discs removed from her back.
She has also had a lot of trouble from her mother which also led to her 2 daughters leaving home (from a previous marriage)
All of this has not helped as she tended to turn to the drink at the slightest problem.

Now she seems to fall out with virtually evreryone she comes into contact with.
Because she was so drunk and abusive last week her father does not want to speak to her anymore, and of course i am getting the blame for the falling out from her for me calling him round to the house to see if he could calm her down.

Bossyboots

It was pain that put my friend on the rocky road to afternoon drinking. Once she found she got some relief, she carried on and increased the amount everytime a new problem cropped up.

Falling out with everyone seems to be a common problem. My friend has stood out in the street screaming and shouting and throwing things. We have managed to remain friends, but she has been banned from the local pub and lost her job because she was out of control. Like your wife, she would look for someone else to shoulder the blame.

Have you spoken to her GP for help? My friend's husband did this and when she next attended for a review of her meds for something else, the GP managed to bring the subject round. Her surgery helped her with reducing her drinking although it didn't last. On one occasion he had to drive her to hospital because she was totally off the walls. She ended up being sectioned on that occasion because she was out of control. It was either that or be arrested. Her husband is still upset about doing that but at least it kept her away from alcohol for a month. It was a wake up call for her and although she has struggled, she is currently off the drink and doing well.

Seeking medical help for her might be an option for you.