Money problems with my partner

Jo_R_2

I bailed out my ex after we got together and found out we were having my DD1, stupidly (or sensibly as I thought then) putting the debt in my name. I thought it was a clean slate, start again.

Five and a half years later, with a new OH and 3 kids I am STILL paying off the loan I took out whilst he has waltzed away with not a care in the world about his past debts. It broke my heart when I found out he had started taking out credit again, all in secret - and when he told me he had bought us some things, I realised all I had done was enable him to carry on, there'd been nothing to make him face up to things as I had picked up the slack.

My ex actually came out and told me in the end in the guise of buying us both 'treats' (ie stuff he made out we'd both like but was really for him:rolleyes:) so I am guessing in your case you did a bit of internet snooping maybe? Difficult one - but whatever you do I'd just be bold and straight out, not just what she's been doing but why as well.

Steel_2

You're being used. Maybe she didn't intend it to be that way at the beginning, but now she's got comfy and complacent and that's what she's doing. The loan has taken the pressure off so she doesn't feel as bad about her financial situation and thinks the extra money that doesn't go on loan payments can be spent. She should be giving it to you for bills or spending the spare cash on debt overpayments.

She's geting a nice warm roof above her head and someone to pick up the bills while she carries on spending? When you confront her, she may argue it's not as much as before, but it won't be long before she's increasing the amounts. And if you marry it will probably get worse as the underlying problem hasn't been solved.

I would make it clear from now on she pays her way. You've carried her for long enough. If she wants extras, she has to do what the rest of us do - find extra money by cutting expenses right back to bone, ebaying her stuff or taking a second job at the weekends.

And please don't make plans for marriage - you sound like a nice bloke and could end up being seriously derailed by her spending.

Silverbird

Hi there

I feel for you. I'm in a slightly similar situation in that since my OH and I moved in together almost 4 years ago I have been paying 90% of all bills due to his large debts.

However, this was with the understanding that he throw the vast majority of his wages at all of his debts and not to use his credit cards etc and he has complied with this and understands the reasons and that we cannot move on and enjoy our life fully without clearing this dark cloud.

I would be absolutely livid if I discovered he was using his cards again - what a waste of all your hard work and scrimping and saving trying to help them out.

You definitely need to sit her down and explain this. She needs to grow up and pull her socks up and realise that you're not going to keep helping her live an easy life and she has caused this herself and yet doesn't seem to have learned. Perhaps get all her debts put into the Snowball Calculator (google it if unsure) and get her to see how long it's going to take her to clear her debts if she keeps going the way she is.

If she doesn't sort herself out, your relationship is doomed.

I really hope you can get her to see sense and I wish you all the very best x

JonnyW32

Hi

Many thanks again for all the replies and advice

As far as I know the money has been spent on clothes etc, this is what has annoyed me. I would understand if it was stuff we needed but just seems unfair as I have been trying my best to get things sorted for us but now this has happened.

I don't understand why she has had to start using cards again. I thought the money she would have left over each month would have been enough for her to get by and treat herself every now and again but obviously not.

The main problem I have is how to approach it as I have found out by looking stuff that I shouldn't have done as curiosity got the better of me. In a way this makes things worse though as I don't know how to bring it up in conversation and just feel that I am wasting my time with it all and being used.

J

Marcheline

If I were in your shoes, I'd just say to her:

"I didn't trust that you'd stopped using the cards, so I looked at x,y,z and discovered that I was right not to trust you as you are still spending on cards. If you see us having a future together, please explain yourself." Then see what she says back to you.

Why are you so worried that you broke her trust by looking at something you shouldn't, when she's broken yours and continues to lie to you? Just confront her and own up to what you did, it'll only eat away at you otherwise. She's the one who should be worried, not you.

Silverbird

Marcheline wrote: »

If I were in your shoes, I'd just say to her:

"I didn't trust that you'd stopped using the cards, so I looked at x,y,z and discovered that I was right not to trust you as you are still spending on cards. If you see us having a future together, please explain yourself." Then see what she says back to you.

Why are you so worried that you broke her trust by looking at something you shouldn't, when she's broken yours and continues to lie to you? Just confront her and own up to what you did, it'll only eat away at you otherwise. She's the one who should be worried, not you.

Couldn't agree more with this post.

If she hadn't been dishonest about this then she'd have had nothing to worry about if you ever pried.

At the end of the day you guys don't have a chance together if you aren't both open and honest about finances.

Good luck and do let us know how you get on x