Money problems with my partner

JonnyW32

Hi

Was looking for some advice or basically to finally say something to someone.

I have been with my g/f for about 8 years now and she has run up a lot of debt over the years and it recently got to a point where her outgoings were too much and it left her with hardly any money after payday each month.

I was aware of some of the situation but not the extent of it and when I finally got her to talk about it we worked out what to do next. The debt was all through loans, store cards, credit cards, overdrafts the usual. Anyway, luckily the bank gave her a loan to cover it and it halved her monthly payments, it was over a long term but least i could finally see that one day it would all be gone.

To help her over the last couple of years I have been paying off the mortgage and all of the household bills as I didn't want her to have no money left each month as I would hate that and I was happy to pay more rather than split the bills 50-50 if it meant we would be happier. It does leave me a bit short some months but i thought it was worth it in the long run.

Anyway at the time, she promised that the cards would be never used again and would be cut up and she would write to them for them to be cancelled, of which I saw a few of the responses.

Things had been ok, we had started to make future plans and for once I thought we were on the same wave length but i have recently found out that she has been using credit cards again. To what extent I do not know but don't think I can take anymore of the secrets and I have no idea of how much further the debt has gone up?

Has anybody else been in this situation? Any advice would be appreciated?

Thanks

Jonny

Marcheline

Hi, I feel for you, but I think you have worsened the situation by paying the mortgage and bills so that she wouldn't be short in the first place. That being said, I can understand why you did it. Now however, I would be furious with her for running up debts again because it is like a smack in the face to you.

Anyway, if you love her and can seriously see a future with her, I would calmly sit her down and get all paperwork together and decide on an action plan. Help her organise herself, BUT DO NOT PAY IT OFF FOR HER. I would want to see every last bit of documentation if I were you and if she doesn't want you to see it, then I would be thinking of ending it.

I've never been in debt myself though and it really would be a dealbreaker for me, but hopefully someone will be along soon to give you practical advice (that worked for them) on how to proceed. Good luck.

Edited to add: if the debts are just to pay for basic things, rather than luxuries, it may be that the 2 of you need to sit down and talk about some lifestyle changes so that you can cope on the money that you both have. She may feel pushed into buying expensive things etc if you are on a good wage and suggest to do expensive things, if you see what I mean. But, it may just be that she has a taste for the finer things in life, while you are cutting back to pay the mortgage!

justjohn

hi there

I have been there and done it. I really do not have a solution for you.
Like most things in life you need to find out WHY.
In my sittuation i could not stop the spending only monitor it.
I split with my ex 3 years ago i know for a fact she has got at least 30k of debts since then.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I'd sit her down and do a full statement of account, make her level with you. If she won't be honest then I'd consider ending it.

Have a look on the debt free wanabee section for how to do a statement of account and get her to join the site and post on there about her struggles.

If she wants to sort it and realises that she has a problem you can get through this, if not then maybe you are better off distancing yourself.

8maker

I agree with the others. Not only did she lie to you but she also broke your trust. The thing is, even if you get her down to talk to you (again) about everything it still may not help her to get a grip on the actual problem. And from what it sounds like the actual problem is her not being able to responsibly deal with money. Maybe her lifestyle is too undisciplined? Who knows, she may have some sort of credit card addiction...seriously. Its not unheard of especially for women. ;-) Anyway, these are just my thoughts. All the best to you!

squirrelchops

I would like to know what she is spending her money on.....well not her money but on credit cards/store cards then???

I only say this because some people, as we know, get addicted to the psychological side of buying new things????

JonnyW32

Hi

Thanks for all the replies and advice.

I know i was probably doing the wrong thing by paying the bills but I honestly thought we had sorted it all out and could move forward. Unfortunately that hasn't happened.

As far as I know the money has just been spent on clothes/household items, so not really essentials which has just made me really angry as I am paying it all and some months just scraping by. I am not on a massive wage but am doing ok.

I think that there is a problem which I am not going to be able to do anything about. I just don't know how I can plan for the future not being able to trust her with money.

Also the problem I have is that she is not aware that I have found out about the further spending and I was a bit naughty how I found out but curiosity got the better of me so now I don't know how to approach the subject all over again.

Many thanks again though for your opinions.

Jonny

JoW123

You really do have my sympathy as this is an awful situation to be in. My ex and I have recently split up due to a similar situation although in his case it was an addiction to gambling that precipitated the lies and the running up of the debts. I too had tried to help him thinking it was because he was bad with money but in reality the problems lay far deeper than that.

I suggest you look at what the root cause may be. Is your house full of goods that have been bought on the credit cards? Can you see an obvious overspend that would account for the debts? Ultimately this is a difficult situation to live with and you need to think long and hard if you can accept this as a way of life, as without help for whatever is causing her to do this, then she will carry on.

Ultimately not being able to trust or believe your partner is a terrible situation to live with and one which causes a great deal of pain, and in my opinion is worse than paying off the debts.

Minimum_Wage_2

why not just ask her out right!
if she admits it then ask why and that you have been helping her pay it off by paying for other things. tell her that its looking as if you cant trust her with money.

paddy's_mum

You surely can come right out and say (for example) "by the way, I inadvertently opened a letter addressed to you .. and guess what I found?". There might even be a case to be made that the louder her shouts of indignation, the more she has to hide!

I'm absolutely for the right of every individual for privacy, and would scream the house down if I found my hubby rummaging in my handbag, but then again, I have proved time and time again over some difficult years that I am trustworthy. Your partner does not have that sanctity, that refuge constructed of honesty and safety.

In your shoes, I suspect that I would be (temporarily) moving back to Mum, or in with friends, until such time as your partner reaches the rock-bottom understanding of what you are giving, what she is taking for granted, what she is close to waving goodbye to, and what life would be like without the loving partner (as well as his salary!) to bale me out of the results of my own foolishness.

In a nutshell, you cannot afford - in terms of both money, doubt, and faith in her for the future - to be too nice in broaching the subject. Given the circumstances, there is nothing whatever wrong or unjust in just launching into a conversation beginning ..."I've discovered that you have broken every promise to me, and that you are taking me for a mug ... again!"

I wish you a happier future and I hope that at the end of all this, your partner comes to realise what a loyal chap you are. Good luck.

jenhug

I'd ask her to ebay the stuff and put the money back into the mortgage/pay you back for your kindness. She should seek counselling for her compulsive spending problem.