Parents of toddlers!

deaththecat

Hey everyone,

My friend has a two year old boy who seems to have reached that mythical demonic stage in his development!
He has all the usual tantrims and refuses to eat etc, etc. I was wondering if anyone with experience of ickle boys had any advice on how to deal with him? Any tricks? What worked with your boy?
It mainly seems to be with his mother that he has his tantrums, is much more amiable with his dad and anyone else.
Any tips?

My own feeling is that she is maybe not consistent enough with him but as Deaththekitten is a year younger and still fairly angelic, I don't really have the experience.

Ta.

stardoman

"My own feeling is that she is maybe not consistent enough with him but as Deaththekitten is a year younger and still fairly angelic, I don't really have the experience."



I think sometimes they have them with the person they feel safest with. And as you say, it is a normal part of developement and something most children go through.

I have 3 children, youngest is 15 months and oldest is 8. They way I always dealt with their tantrums was to make sure they were safe and they ignore them until they stop. This is not always easy though. I remember DS2 having a tantrum when we had gone to see the Tall Ships. The place was packed out with people. I had said that I wouldn't buy something and he threw a fit, flinging himself about, screaming and hitting out. All these people were staring and a couple of well meaning older people made things worse by trying to talk to him. I had to politely but firmly, ask them to go away!!!!!

The challenges of parenthood!!!!!

Mandy.

Gingham_Ribbon

Every once in a while my toddler has a go at throwing a strop to get his own way. (It's easy to spot when he's genuinely upset and when he's trying it on in his case.)

Each and every time we've handled it the same way. Ignored it and carried on with whatever we were doing. When my back's up to it, I'll even pick him up like a roll of carpet and carry on walking. Not ignored HIM, just what he's doing. So I'd continue to try to engage him, but not make a fuss of him.

It's never lasted more than a day or two of pushing it till he's realised it's easier not to. I dare say there are much more persistant children who can keep this up for ages, so I'm not saying this IS the answer, just that it's working for us.

This is the same for the naughty step. He pushes the limits every few weeks, has 3 or 4 sits on the naughty step over a couple of days, we're consistant with it, he knows the score and settles down again for a while.

If he's genuinely upset though, it's cuddles and comfort all the way, but he doesn't lash out when he's upset, so I don't know what I'd do if he was kicking or hitting.

stardoman

"Ignored it and carried on with whatever we were doing. When my back's up to it, I'll even pick him up like a roll of carpet and carry on walking. Not ignored HIM, just what he's doing. So I'd continue to try to engage him, but not make a fuss of him."


Just wanted to add, I've found with my 2 oldest that continuing to engage with them makes them worse and the tantrums last longer. Distracting with something else didn't work past the age of 2 either. I've noticed already that its getting difficult to distract the 15 month old. But all children are different.

And when they're not having a tantrum its cuddles and hugs all the way here too.

Mandy.

Counting_Pennies_2

Toddlers often give the main carer the hardest time, they know what buttons to press as they are with them more and know them the best!!!

I wouldn't be too hard on the mother, training a toddler how to reach our social requirements is hard going. So if you are after giving her advice or training him yourself I wouldn't recommend it unless you are looking to upset her!!!

My main way of dealing with temper tantrums is to use the naughty step, ideal as every place I go to has one, and I give him one minute for every year of his life (2) to sit on there and then I return, ask him to say sorry and explain to him why mummy sat him on the step and that it isn't very nice, then have a kiss and a cuddle and get on with playing.

Obviously consistency is necessary, and this might be something the mother hasn't mastered yet, although it may also be that in company of others, say visitors, it is sometimes easier to turn a blind eye to avoid further upset and deal with bringing the child back into normal behaviour the following day, not always ideal, but I can assure you in the presence of granny or other critical eyes this is often my approach. Have you ever tried doing something that requires immense concentration and patience only for someone to look or say something critical, getting close to biting their head off comes close, so it is often better to turn the other cheek for the sake of all relations!!!

deaththecat

Thanks so much for all your great ideas!
She actually asked me to post something on here to ask for some advice, so I'll pass on all your comments.

I'm hoping she'll become a childcare *guru* by going through this and will therefore be on hand to deal with Deaththekitten, who is already a drama queen like her father!;)

Re: carrying toddler like a *carpet* (sorry too blonde to work out quoting)
I know she's done this a few times and always been given disaproving looks from strangers, so will be pleased she's not the only one!

chugalug

I always thought the worst thing about toddler tantrums was other people. It seems as though everyone forgets about tantrums when their children leave home - the same as forgetting about the pain of childbirth!!

You know your child isn't like that all the time but in the supermarket you can just see the disapproval and hear the tutting.

Can't wait for the first report of an ASBO on a 2 year old!!!!!!!

pdoff

agree with all the above. supernanny rules!! ds1 will be 4 soon & he still has the odd one but we just ignore him - i agree about the well meaning people! he had a major one at church yesterday so i had to take him outside & nearly ended up going home. long story but basically he cut up his cousins picture & wouldnt say sorry (looking at it later i think he was just trying to help & copy what she did on hers but he not good with scissors so he cut through it instead of round it (was one he started but then she took over when she'd done hers)! makes sense cos usually 3 minutes time out is enough). he eventually said sorry but all the older women were all ooh whats up & so on which just makes him worse. then they gave him extra biscuits cos he was upset!! nooooooooooooooooooo! expecting more tantrums next week so he gets more biscuits now!
remember he once threw a strop in his pushchair cos he kept taking shoes off (think he was just 2 at the time) so i said if he did it again he would have to stay with bare feet. he screamed round freeport for about half an hour & it was so embarrassing! eventually he calmed down & got them back after he'd been calm a while & he never took them off again.
the main problem is getting everyone he's with to do the same things - as someone else said u need to be consistent or they will get confused. i remember one supernanny episode wher the child was so confused cos mum sent him to step but dad did something different that he took himself to the step.
she just has to remember that all kids tantrum & it's not her fault. lots of attention when being good & none when being bad usually works but you always have the odd slip. usually ds1 is great & i can take him anywhere then i get him home & he is a little monkey. yesterday was an exception & he totally shocked everyone cos they known him since a baby & never seen him tantrum before.
as for refusingto eat - he won't starve himself. don't do as mil does & give him rubbish instead as then if he's like ds1 he'll get hyper & more naughty. if he won't eat what i give him he has nothing till the next meal time. he eats most things now. if he eats it all he gets something after - bribery can sometimes work!
she will be fine. a friend recommended a book called toddler taming to me but i never got round to getting it, don't know if anyone else knows of it?

Crispy_Ambulance

I agree that the worst thing is the reactions of others when your toddler has gone into full meltdown. Even if they are being sympathetic, I would rather everyone just ignored me and the screaming banshee I have under my arm.

Ignoring it or removing the child from the situation for a couple of minutes gives you both some breathing space and the chance to calm down. And like everything - it is a phase and it will pass!

Gingham_Ribbon

Crispy_Ambulance wrote:

I would rather everyone just ignored me and the screaming banshee I have under my arm.

That sounds like the 'roll of carpet' thing I do.

I agree about other people's reactions. People love to think they are or would be better parents than everyone else and parents always seem to get 'looks' from others who disapprove of SOMETHING. From dummies to bare feet to a strop or tantrum to (God forbid) a child drinking something that isn't water :rolleyes: people will cast their judgement.

In one parenting book the author had written that the most terrifying thing she'd ever seen was a child drinking coke out of a bottle. Whereas it's not something I did, if that's the most terrifying thing she's ever seen she should get out more.:eek:

Jo_R_2

deaththecat wrote:

Hey everyone,

My friend has a two year old boy who seems to have reached that mythical demonic stage in his development!

We're at that kinda stage, though I feel it's passing now. My DD is 2.5 yrs and though she is generally quite even tempered, she does have her moments though.

I think that the most important thing to remember is that toddlers do not have any self control. Tell them not to do something - they will carry on doing it :mad: It's not because they are deliberately being contrary - that comes later! - but they simply don't have that part of their brain developed enough yet to be able to hold back. Same with common sense.

The way we do it is to avoid potential tantrum situations as far as possible. I just don't take DD shopping with us because I know halfway round she will want to be carried and with a trolley getting fuller and fuller I simply cannot carry her and steer it (have tried!) I pre-empt when she will be tired and avoid taxing situations then. Of course, it's great when you can but there's always times when you HAVE to take toddler with you, or can't avoid a tantrum, then you have to have a plan and stick to it - consistency is key! If I can ascertain there is a particular reason why she is being hysterical - if she is tired, if she needs a cuddle and a kiss if she's feeling scared or insecure, etc, then I deal with that. Often though, it's a case of them wanting their own way and not being able to have it. Pick yr battles - I often let some things go simply because they're not worth us getting mad over. If it means she paints her entire body in tiger stripes (yesterday) or wears odd socks then so be it.

If she is wanting her own way, then dependent on the situation I'll either leave her and tell her to calm down if we're at home, or remove her from the situation if we're out. If there's an opportunity I prefer to explain what she's done, if not then I'll just carry on as much as possible - not always easy when everyone's looking at you though! Kind of reinforcing that she gets praise and attention for good behaviour but nothing for bad.

One thing I NEVER do is get het up about food. If she doesn't want it, I take it away, I never pressure or make any kind of deal about it at all. Kids won't starve themselves. And if they don't get a reaction, they won't persist in trying to use it to get a reaction.

Just a few nuggets but hope they are useful!