Finding Dad

kindofagilr

Wel then if your ex has said in black and white he didnt want your DD and only wanted your DS then yes I would def try and help her track him down so she can ask him, that might be all she needs>?

hatewashingmachines

lostnfound wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies. There are somethings i have omitted on here which I will not go into cause it hurts too much to think about it. I realise i was wrong not to tell them earlier but I was trying to create a safezone maybe not for them but for myself I no this sounds selfish but I had my reasons. The reason she believes that her father didnt want her is all in black and white on the lawyers papers and she has read them, all she wants is answers, answers I have but I dont want to hurt her anymore than she has been hurt, Ive done enough damage.

Sounds like you need to face your own fears hun. I understand you might be protecting her but she needs to know. Anything that is kept hidden now may only come out at a later date and then start the whole thing off again. Choose a night when its just you and her and give her all the facts. Good or bad, she really should know. Do you know where her dad his now and what sort of a life he has now? Would finding him make her realise why you did what you did?

lostnfound

I have some info on where he is,I have an address for his parents whether they are still there is a different matter, I no I need to face this, I have all the support of my husband he will help me any way he can and be there for all of us when we need him. The decision has been made I will talk to both of them before the weekend and answer as much as i can and if they wish to track him down i will look for him and his family.

Thank you all for your replies I just needed someone who wasnt in the box with us to help me pull it together and start on the right track the one I should have taken a long time ago.

daska

TBH 14 year old girls are not going to take this kind of news easily and her reaction is, for want of a better word, 'normal'... even if she had known that you OH is her stepdad from the get-go it is quite possible that she would have started throwing this in his face from around 12 onwards anyway (ask any step-parent with teens LOL). DSD and I have a great relationship, she knows I'd fight tooth and nail to protect her, but I still get the 'you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mum'!

It would be worth seeing if there is any counselling available via your GP. From her perspective she has, in a matter of seconds, lost the dad she's known all her life, gained a dad she doesn't know, been rejected by him, gained a stepfather who she presumably loved as a father but who has lied to her all these years, discovered the rest of her family (the people she feels she should be able to trust) have all been lying to her, discovered her mum has been lying to her. No wonder she's angry, upset, adrift... she's in shock!

You have a lot of explaining and comforting to do and you have to find ways to accomplish this. Face to face will probably be hard for both of you, but there are ways to ease this - try sitting side by side so you don't have to look at each other but can cuddle.

Just re-read this and it sounds a bit harsh. It isn't meant to be, I think this is a dreadfully sad situation. I wish you, and your family, all the best.

hatewashingmachines

lostnfound wrote: »

I have some info on where he is,I have an address for his parents whether they are still there is a different matter, I no I need to face this, I have all the support of my husband he will help me any way he can and be there for all of us when we need him. The decision has been made I will talk to both of them before the weekend and answer as much as i can and if they wish to track him down i will look for him and his family.

Thank you all for your replies I just needed someone who wasnt in the box with us to help me pull it together and start on the right track the one I should have taken a long time ago.

Well done you. It can't be easy. Wishing all goes well and hopefully some good will come from it all. Keep us posted. x

hatewashingmachines

How did it go??