Finding Dad

lostnfound

Hope someone can help me, im so exasperated with the whole situation.
To cut a long story short, my 2 older children have a different dad from my youngest child. I split from their dad over 14 and a half years ago when my middle child was 6 weeks old. I am happily married for 9 years to my youngests dad, we have been together in total 12years and i new the day would come but i was waiting until the middle child was 16 but the cat got out the bag about 6 months ago it wasnt me who told her but my mother. mother was on strict instructions not to tell her anything because i new this would happen.

Well now middle child wants to find her dad and ask him why he didnt want her only her brother. I have both children from this prevoius relationship but i fought hard for them i went through custody and access battles for them and now middle child throws it in my husbands her dads face that he isnt her dad when she falls out with us. Its all so upsetting for her and us i dont no what to do.

Do i find him so she can talk to him face to face, i so dont want to drag up the past but i know i will have to for my daughters sake, i had a dreadful time in that relationship and it all ended badly.

pinkshoes

This may sound harsh, but 16 is WAY too late to tell your child that daddy isn't daddy, so I'm not surprised she's feeling hurt.

This is not about you, it's about her, and she wants to know where she came from, and the other half of her genes.

No matter how much resentment you have towards your ex, this is irrelevant.

Do you have an address for him that you daughter could write to?

Why did it involve a court battle for custody?

Rachel83

It must be hard on your daughter only finding out 6 months ago the man she thought was her dad isn't.
I can understand where she is coming from wanting contact with her natural father reguardless of what state your relationship was in she has rights to know where she came from, and curiositys only natural. Why don't you sit down with her have a heart to heart and ask her what she really wants to do? If she does want to see him, do all you can to help her find him and just be there to support her.

kindofagilr

I dont underastand why she thinks you ex wants the son and not her? have I missed something here?

DVardysShadow

I have to agree with pinkshoes here. The price of telling late is that they might find out in a way which stops you telling them in the way you want to.

hatewashingmachines

I have no experience of this situation and can only think of how hard this must be for your daughter. Throwing it back in your husbands face when they have an argument may seem really cruel but imagine how angry she is. The best thing you could do IMO is support her, comfort her and ask her what she would like to do. Sit down with her and tell her the whole truth of what happened, no lies, be honest with her. Let her make the descision to find him or not and then give her all the help you can. She needs to feel loved and wanted.
Good luck
x

Primrose

Yes, your daughter should have been told a long time ago. I can understand her feeling of betrayal. Her whole world probably feels it has been built on a lie, no matter how loving and caring a parent her stepfather has been. The best thing to do is not to make matters worse by making it difficult to find her father if that's what she wants. She will make her own judgements if and when she gets to know him. All you can do now is to facilitate that process in as neutral a way as possible, just telling your daughter the factual reasons for your break-up and without trying to turn her against her father. Your husband is probably feeling very hurt about the way your daughter is treating him too so I suggest the three of you sit down together and try to find a non-confrontational solution to the dilemma. Your mother, of course, should not have broken your trust, and all you can do on that front is ask her to refrain from getting emotionally involved in any further discussions with your daughter on the subject until you have resolved the issue within your own family in view of the trouble this has caused.

Kay_Peel

It's difficult to put myself in your position. No matter how I felt, I always thought it vital that my children had a good relationship with their father.

You know from the reaction of your middle one, that your decision to keep their father a secret from her, has been devastating. Not only does she feel betrayed and lied to, but she has missed out on getting to know a man who should have been the most important man in her young life - her father. She has another family somewhere - grandparents, cousins, step-siblings, possibly - and they have been hidden from her. She will feel that you put your own need for peace and stability before her own right to know her father.

What now? That's the most important question.

I would sit the children down and tell them the story of how you met their father, why you loved him, and the little ways that the girls resemble him. I would tell them (and I'm guessing here) that when the marriage ended, he wanted them so much that he fought for them to stay with him. Show them photographs, if you have any. Take them to where you used to live together. I would caution against telling them anything bad about their father at this stage - I would just concentrate on the positives because it will help them to meet their father without any preconceptions or bias.

It's no longer about you, you see - it's about their future and helping them to regain their past.

Good luck.

lostnfound

Thanks everyone for the replies. There are somethings i have omitted on here which I will not go into cause it hurts too much to think about it. I realise i was wrong not to tell them earlier but I was trying to create a safezone maybe not for them but for myself I no this sounds selfish but I had my reasons. The reason she believes that her father didnt want her is all in black and white on the lawyers papers and she has read them, all she wants is answers, answers I have but I dont want to hurt her anymore than she has been hurt, Ive done enough damage.

stelly

Hi.

I dont usually post personal things to do with my family etc but wanted to offer a bit of advice.

My OH was 28 when he found out the truth about his dad. :eek:

We were going on holiday and he asked his mum for his birth certificate to get his passport.
Obviously realising that he would find out the truth she owned up to the fact that the man ( her ex husband who he had never met but she had told him he used to hit her ) wasnt actually his dad but was a married man she had a fling with.

My OH has never really been able to totally forgive her for all the lies.

So be as honest as possible !!!

But what upsets him the most (he's 35 now) is that fact that she wont give him any info about his real dad.

I really think you need to tell her as much info about her real dad as you possibly can.
Be honest about why you didnt tell her etc and then let her make up her own mind about what to do.
Let her decide wether she wants a relationship with him.
If he's a bad un she will soon realise that herself.

Good luck too you. Its not a nice situation but honesty is definately the best policy.

sandiep

Much as it may cause you upset, you need to stand solid with your husband when she plays the "you're not my father" card. I see this regularly with my step daughter, not so much directed towards me, but towards her mother's new partner.

Both me and my husband always remind her mid outburst, no he's not her real father, and that's why he deserves even more respect and thanks for keeping her, helping her, looking after her and bringing her up.

It's maybe not what you're daughter wants to hear, but you can't let this become the outlet for all her hurt and frustration.