Teenagers!!!

Caz3121

Dear SS in 16 and a half and lives with mum, sister and mums boyfriend
There is no doubt he has had a difficult few years, mum took kids abroad to live 7 years ago (came back to UK 4 years ago) and there have been a number of different live in partners.

When he was leaving school and applying for college earlier this year he spoke about moving in with us (we are in Scotland, he down south) and going to college here. All was great we got the applications, he had a date for interview but mum kicked off about the amount of money she would lose in tax credits and maintenance (£600 per month) saying she would need to move into a grotty little flat with his sister and he felt bad so took a college place at home and all seemed well.

She then moved the latest man in and he seems a nice bloke, has his own business and very much into working hard (a good influence and a contrast to the the 'state and everyone else should pay for everything')

There have been a number of clashes and SS seems totally against getting any type of work. He attends college 3 half days a week and the rest of his time is for playing with his mates. He has been given opportunities but always has the attitude "I aint doing that" so he is totally financially dependent on others and goes in a strop when he doesn't get his own way. He has visions of getting a car at 17 and it just doesn't sink in that he would never be able to insure one with no income.

His latest rant is that he can't bear to live there any more with all the agro so he is moving out. His dad has told him over and over that he has 2 choices, he stays at home which involves pulling his weight in the house and abiding by 'house rules' or he gets a job and goes and rents somewhere ... he is not prepared to do either and just shouts and slams the phone down.

He wants to be treated as an adult but seems to be getting more and more childlike (he swings from hanging around with 18 year old wasters (drink/drugs) to 14 year olds and goes from hating people to them being his best mates)

We are not prepared to have him drop out his course and move here to sit on his bum all day (he says there is a recession and there are no jobs anywhere that would employ him) just because he is not getting his own way - especially as both parents are in agreement that he is in the wrong.

I am sure he is not a unique teenager but would love to know if anyone else has been through anything similar and how it worked itself out (the way things are going and the more he pushes his mother he is likely to find himself being asked to leave)

pusscat

oh - poor you, we have been there, done that, go the T shirt!! He did get thrown out and ended up moving in with us!

I think you sound as though you are doing the right things - you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes :-)

Things we found helpful were

1) Tagets. SS had an ultimatum, either find a full time job or go back to school. He needed some support but he found a job. He works 40 hours a wwk, has 10 hours travel and has less pocket money than when he was on EMA!

2) We have supported him, but he has also had to face the real world - getting the last bus home after waiting in the rain, paying keep here (he will get it back one day :-) and not being given any more allowance. He also has to cooke dinner 2 nights a week (it is getting better....) and do his own washing and clean his room and his bathroom.

3) We have really treated him like an adult - we don't tell him what time to go to bed or come in, but he has to get up and go to work no matter what. He soon learned that doing a 10 hour day with a hangover was not ideal :-)

4) He has to do a spreadsheet with all his expenses on it - so he knows what is coming in and going out. He is poor as a church mouse and this is deliberate - he has to understnd that minimum wage jobs with no qualifications are actually exsisting rather than living.

5) He is desperate for a motorbike - he is sort of saving up for one. We have said we will help him, but he has to show willing first - then we will discuss it.

6) after 3 months of minimum wage slog he is just coming round to the idea that an apprentiship would be OK. Luckily our local collge had an apprentice evening the other nght - we took him to it and he has some forms which he is filling in. I have used the "bribe" that if he goes back to college then we will class him as a student at home and he will not have to pay keep - that way the money saved can go towards a motorbike. That is a BIG incentive to him.

I think that if we had made it too easy for him then he would be happy to stay where he is - but as we have made him face "reality" then he has quite quickly come round to seeing that there are other alternatives.

Teens are hard work - no doubt. I have found that giving them the opportunity to mess it up (with appropriate support behind them) actually helps him learn faster - he has come to his own conclusions pretty quick.

I thnk it is also important to focus on "how are you going to" rather than teling them what to do - if you are staying here it will cost you £50 a week - how are you going to earn that money?. The practical approach rather than nagging. If he is showing any good things at all then praise them and try to use them to move him forwards.

I think it is also important with teens (especially males) that they are always given a way out without them having to really loose face - they struggle with that. We are 2 years ahead of you, and at 16 1/2 we were having similar horror stories - but he did get better.

Would something like an apprentiship be helpful - it is a sort of halfway house between school and work?

Sorry I can't be much help, but rest assured you are not alone and it does seem pretty normal for them all :-)

Puss

jo91

Pusscat, what a brilliant example of how to approach this situation. Hope you don't mind, but am going to put these away and 'borow' from them when my girls get to this stage !
Great advice.

flutterbyuk25

Could it be that he is not enjoying the college course? Some teens find the transition from school to college very hard.

I work for the Prince's Trust charity and we work with 16-25 year old who are not in eductation, employment or training. I run a 12 week development course which helps to prepare young people for the world of work or college or training, and builds their confidence and communication skills (and many more!). The young people get paid a training allowance of £50/week. See here for info.

Whilst I'm not saying that he should drop out, I'm just making you aware that there are alternatives to formal college. There are many similar training schemes out there.

I find that around 70% of the young people I work with go onto/back into college or find a job once they have gained some skills/confidence.

HTH

x

pusscat

jo91 wrote: »

Pusscat, what a brilliant example of how to approach this situation. Hope you don't mind, but am going to put these away and 'borow' from them when my girls get to this stage !
Great advice.

Well thanks :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

It seems to be working so far - but as ever with teens things can change in the blink of an eye!

pusscat

flutterbyuk25 wrote: »

Could it be that he is not enjoying the college course? Some teens find the transition from school to college very hard.

I work for the Prince's Trust charity and we work with 16-25 year old who are not in eductation, employment or training. I run a 12 week development course which helps to prepare young people for the world of work or college or training, and builds their confidence and communication skills (and many more!). The young people get paid a training allowance of £50/week. See here for info.

Whilst I'm not saying that he should drop out, I'm just making you aware that there are alternatives to formal college. There are many similar training schemes out there.

I find that around 70% of the young people I work with go onto/back into college or find a job once they have gained some skills/confidence.

HTH

x

Great advice -

You are so right - the confidence is a HUGE issue - SS never wants to admit that he does not know it all, he would rather do nothing than be shown up as not knowing what to do.

It does seem to improve with age, but it has been a long road.....we may be looking you up if it all goes south again!

Puss

Caz3121

Thanks all - I knew we would not be alone - it has been so long it is difficult to remember what goes through a teenagers head. I do know there are some major differences - no respect for adults - I dread to think what reaction I would have got if I had spoken to my parents with the foul mouthed language that he uses (I would not have dared!)
He just has no motivation to do anything. Grandfather not really helped situation - he wanted a laptop for college - he gets a brand new fancy one, he wanted a scooter, he gets a brand new one (OH paid for his provisional but told him his CBT and insurance was down to him) he sold a couple of things on ebay to cover the CBT and mum paid the insurance - he has no income for petrol so expects others to pay for it.
In the last couple of days he has spoken about sleeping rough to get away and says he is going to go jump off a bridge.
As I said it has been a hard time for him and his sister, for many years they had no boundaries and did what they liked. The new bloke is sensible and there are now house rules on what is and is not acceptable behaviour (and his is not)
I believe he probably thinks if he causes enough agro the bloke will leave but he is skating on very thin ice (fortunately although OH and ex have not seen eye to eye over the years they are joined up on this)

Morglin

Teenagers are awful lol - but the good news is that most grow out of it and become lovely adults.

Lin