URGENT help needed :-(

Loui1979

Hi,

If anyone has some advise for me that will be great.

My OH slept with this girl, Clare, about 4 yrs ago at a drunken party and where she also slept with another two boys but their names have not been mentioned. (i was not with him at time)
Next day she slept with somebody else that happens to be my cousin’s boyfriend.
She fell pregnant.
By the time that she said the baby could be my OH's, the baby was nearly a year old, word got round to my OH and my OH saw Clare and said if she thinks its his he'll have DNA tests but she didn’t want to go ahead and then he met me.(this was over 2 years ago)

Recently, Clare bumped into my boyfriend she said the CSA are looking for you and Peter (my cousins BF) for you addresses, thing is when she was pregnant Peter offered to pay for DNA tests as well and even sent off for the paperwork and she didn’t want to know.
I think the baby is nearly 3 and she wants tests now, why now! TBH people have said she's only doing it because she's jealous of our happiness, we've bought a house and settled down and are trying for a baby ourselves.


I am sorry to go on but its doing our heads in completely. My OH is adamant that it’s not his and don’t want anything to do with her or the kid. I am afraid if it’s his its, is going to ruin our relationship.


So would you advise to wait until CSA find our address or make a point of telling them our address? They will prob want a DNA test. But thing is my OH has it in his head that when she went up to him in street to tell him about the CSA, she had the kid in her arms and just used any excuse she could to talk to him & show him the baby, so dont know if she's serious. She's even assaulted him when he first got with me! My OH justs wants nothing to to with any of it.

Is there anyway that if CSA contacts us we can tell them that he wants nothing to do with it and leave us alone? Why him and not the other boys?


I hope this makes sense and again sorry for the essay.

Thanks in advance.

homersimpson_3

If your partner is the father of this child then yes he has to pay maintenance. If he doesn't co-operate with CSA they will assess anyway and will seek to collect maintenance if necessary by attachment of earnings order. Saying that the operative word here is 'could'- the child could be his and the CSA could be seeking to obtain maintenance from him. If the mother of child has contacted CSA she has to inform them of who father is/she thinks father is and where he lives/she thinks he live. Does the mother of child know where your partner lives- if so I find it strange CSA have not contacted you because mother should have advised them.
What I find more concerning is he met you 2 years ago (i.e. some years after this child was born) but you state "I am afraid if it’s his its, is going to ruin our relationship."- why? it happened before he met you.

Loui1979

Firstly, she knows the village we live in but not our actual address.

When i said I am afraid if it’s his its, is going to ruin our relationship, i ment it as putting a big strain on our relationship and afraid it will cause arguments between us.

Dead_Eye_Jones

If she makes you play the game, even out of spite, then there's not much you can do imo. Just play along, do what has to be done and get it closed off once and for all. Once the truth is known youll have it off ya chest.

If your OH is the father then I think that's prob best out in the open and he has a responsability to that child. Kinda hard to deal with for you I guess but that what happens to people who cant keep their willy in their pants.

Get it over and done with so you can move on. Good luck

AnnieH

If the CSA contact your partner and claim money from him, he will have to deny paternity to them which will then lead to the CSA ordering a DNA test. If he turns out not to be the father then all's OK. But if he IS the father, then he will have to pay for the DNAS test and start paying for maintenence for the child.

BTW, Have either of you been tested for any kind of infection? Maybe you should before you think about starting a family as there could be problems if they go un-detected.

homersimpson_3

she knows the village we live in but not our actual address.

if she has told them the name of village and name of boyfriend the CSA (or even her for that matter) could find out actual address -it's not difficult. the job is made easier by the fact that there not lots of people living in villages (say compared to London). if your want peace of mind then you may want to contact CSA- if you have dna test at least you'll know one way or the other and get this other lady out of your life. the only possible link to boyfriend is through the child. send CSA copy of paperwork where boyfriend offered to pay for dna test. if he is father he could be liable for back maintenance and i would rather deal with it now than face huge bill. suggest you contact cab or local centre for advice.

When i said I am afraid if it’s his its, is going to ruin our relationship, i ment it as putting a big strain on our relationship and afraid it will cause arguments between us.

only you and he can stop it causing arguments and ruining relationship. be supportive and if child is his recognise that child aswell as yours has needs. partner may say he doesn't want anything to do with child but this may change if it does turn out child is his. if he does in future go round to other woman's house to pick up child trust him and don't get jealous. don't criticise the child.

Loui1979

Yes when i first met him and he told me what he'd done, i wanted for all STD tests carried out and all's fine in that department for both.

I feel like moving to a different contry.

I cant understand why she's even said his name, if he was from a different place all together she wouldnt even know him so couldnt do anything then.

rchddap1

My partner many, many, moons ago had a daughter with his then girlfriend / ex partner. Various things happened, the child was born, he saw it but nothing else happened. They all lost touch with each other and that was that.

When partner met me his family advised him not to tell me about her as I'd probably run a mile from him. However, I'm pleased to say that he did tell me. It meant a lot to me that he could trust me. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is....as time went by he wanted to meet his daughter and wanted to know what she was up to. It really hurt him to think that when she was born he didn't try harder. Ever seen a grown man practically brought to tears? He really believed that he'd lost his chance to ever get to know and help her. Fortuantely they both found each other and now have a wonderful relationship. So we do have a very happy ending.

At the end of the day she is his daughter. Nothing can change that. She is and always will be a part of him. I am pregnant at the moment and knowing how much his kids mean to him (wherever they have come from) means the world to me. I know that no matter what happens he will always be there for our bean. And bean will know and grow up with the love from its half-sister.

The point I'm trying to get across, is that if / when you have a child together he may start to wonder whether this other child is really his and if so what they are doing....are they okay etc.... Its a big thing to be a dad, and to my partner at least the happiness, safety and security of his kids is the first priority (over and above me I'm pleased to say). He has to think about what he might want in the future....even though right now he just wants it all to go away.

I seem to remember the CSA doing DNA tests where the 'prospetive father' doesn't think he is the father (I'm sure others can confirm this). If this is the case, and if he is comfortable with it, he gets in touch and sorts this out.

If this child is his, then its his decision. Why should it cause arguements? Why should it cause a strain? This is probably a very hard time for your partner right now....its a very big decision to make. I would encourage you not to try and push him either way, but to just be there and support him as and when he needs it. Show him (if you can) that no matter what happens you will always love and support him.

When my partner found his daughter that's what he needed from me to be able to find the courage within himself to do what he really wanted to do. Without me being there to hold and to love him its possible that he never would have taken that extra step that led to his daughter.

I have 2 step-daughters and they're brilliant kids / people...and I love them to bits. What one daughter gets....the other one does....and bean will be treated in exactly the same way. When you love someone you have to accept whatever comes with them...in my case that was 2 step-daughters. In your case, its a possible step-child.

Surely its better to sort this out once and for all rather than letting all this worry continue on into the future.

Loui1979

Homer -
I suppose your right, but its going to be hard for me.

Ive already had a relationship before with sombody that had a child and i took the child on completly. Then we broke up and i still wanted contact with his child but he wouldnt let me.

I promised myself that i will never go with another man thats got kids, after that relationship. so i did think i found the right one in my OH, then all this happens.

rchddap1

I promised I wouldn't touch a smoker with a barge pole....but when I met my partner he was a smoker. But I loved him and it didn't matter. We make all sorts of silly promises that we then break because we change and something more important crops up.

If its hard for you imagine what its doing to your partner!

Loui1979

Thanks for that smirf lol

I know its bad for my partner aswell, maybe i should take a back seat and see what happens?

Thing is he's 27 and i am 20, but most of the time i have to make all the desions / organise everything / set up mortgage / pay bills etc and now this has come out about the baby i feel i need to take controll of it (not in a bad way but cant explain it as anything else)