Access and Paternity Testing

Strangefrontier

Hi, new to all this so please bare with me! I am recently seperated from my husband and in the process of getting a divorce. We also have a 12 month old son together!

My son lives at home with me in the family home and i have agreed regular access for him to see his son . . . . . however, like most arrangements they don't always suit both sides and this has become an issue that has been raised at Mediation - although we are still going round in circles there!

To put it all in a nutshell, i have been left to raise the baby on my own, right from day one, and all i have ever asked is that the father take some resposibilty and spend more time with him - but he refuses, unless it is on his terms (basically, when it is totally inconvenient to me) . . . . he's a control freak and seems to be doing/saying things out of spite!

He has even recently stooped so low as to question his paternity and demand a DNA test on our son . . . . . which i am happy for him to carry out as it will show him up for the plank that he is! I have not been unfaithful to him!!!

I can only assume that he is using his own inabilities and insecurities in wanting the DNA test done to counterbalance his lack in motivation and responsibility in the last 12 months.

I have my own reservations about his parenting skills as nothing seems to come natural to him, nor does he seem to have simple common sense skills regarding simple childcare tasks! He just doesn't 'think'!

Without going into too much detail, i am genuinelly concerned about the well being of my son when he is in his care . . . . . and this fear has increased since he claimed that he wanted a DNA test done.

My question . . . . . Am i within my rights to temporarily refuse him access to his son, until the DNA testing has been done and he has the results???

I am worried that he will not take the appropriate due care and attention with his son while he doubts his paternity!

I am due to see my solicitor next week regarding this issue, but wondered if anybody knew where i stood in the meantime . . . . . any advice that could put my mind at rest would be greatly appreciated!

BitterAndTwisted

Refusing access, even temporarily, could be seen as being very obstructive. I think the points you raise about your concerns related to your husband's competence in looking after a one year-old could be seen as quite valid: after all, your husband hasn't had sole charge of a small child before. I would try and go down that route rather than threatening to refuse access

marshmallows

i wouldnt stop contact , if you can't agree in mediation and it goes to court it won;t look good that you stopped contact
i assume your husband is on the bc so therefore has pr so the dna test is irrelevant because to the courts he is the childs father
i would think maybe your husband is trying to hurt you by asking for a dna test

Mojisola

Put everything in writing - emails/texts/letters. Offer sensible times for contact. If he refuses them, write that he has refused and ask when he wants contact. If he asks for unreasonable times, put it in writing why it is unreasonable and suggest other times. Be unemotional and factual in the written contact and keep anything he sends you. If he only phones then start the next written contact with - in your phone call you said that... - so that you don't have to remember everything he said weeks later.

Strangefrontier

Thank you so much for your advice and prompt responses!

To answer a couple of questions:

1. Yes, he is on the birth certificate
2. Parental responsibility seems to be totally irrelevant to him . . . . in his eyes it's a woman's responsibility (even though i am now back at work myself).

I totally agree with you that he is just doing this DNA Test to hurt me, but that doesn't stop me from fearing for our son's wellbeing. Not to mention feeling hurt that i have been accused of something so cruel.

As far as my husband is concerned, everything revolves around himself and money! As i am in receipt of tax credits (since declaring that we were seperated and living in seperate rooms), he refused to pay anything towards our son - he hasn't paid a penny for 3 months now (not even voluntary maintenace).
I have since contacted the CSA (as per my Solicitor's instructions) to which he responded by telling them and me, that he would simply go on the dole rather than pay me a penny.
He even claimed that he was going to take me for every penny that i have and ensure that i ended up in the gutter! Again, not a thought for the wellbeing of our son!

My only conclusion to the reasoning for his bitter attitude is that i have walked away from our loveless marriage, and that he thought that i would never leave him because i always vowed that i never wanted to be a single mum!

He even claimed that i had broken my marriage vows by not cooking and cleaning for him . . . . even though this only stopped when we officially seperated and moved into seperate rooms (again, as instructed by the solicitor).

In his eyes, parental responsibility means having access to his son when and if it suits him.

Anyway, thank you again so much for your advice - it is very much appreciated!

Strangefrontier

In response to your reply Mojisola, this is the sound advise that i am following at the minute through Mediation. However, as previously explained he won't agree to anything unless it suits him.

He is currently having weekly Sunday access between 8.15am and 5pm, however as my husband refuses to get our son a travel cot, it means that he has to sleep in his pram . . . . . to which he refuses. He is literally going 12hrs without any sleep, and is therefore throwing his routine out . . . . not to mention the fact that my husband brings him home early because he just constantly screams through tiredness.
As a result, i am unable to make any plans myself as i am being controlled by the fact that he might be bringing him home early!
I pointed this out in the mediation session and suggested that he has him fortnightly so that we can both have quality time with him on a Sunday - to which he refused saying that i was breaking his bond!
I then suggested that he has him overnight on Saturday - again he refused claiming that he has work commitments . . . . even though he admitted that he has never been asked to work on a saturday!

I can only assume that as 'marshmallows' suggested, it is just another of his tricks to hurt and control me.

To be honest, i hope that it does go to Court, because they will see exactly what i do for our son, and what his dad DOESN'T do!

Susan_Frost

Sorry to hear all this is going off for you.

Not quite clear what you are saying about access. You seem to be saying that you are trying to get him to take parental responsibility - but on the other hand indicating that you dont want him to have access as he is not very capable around your son.

If you dont want him to have access, and he is not bothering too much about it either, then presumeably contact would just fade away anyway.

I assume HE is paying for the DNA.

As you say, he sounds peeved that you have walked away from him, so just make a new start. Remember, whatever happens YOU LEFT HIM and he will always know that !!!

Good luck

Ivrytwr3

If he has doubts about his paternity, then what rights does he have to demand access?

Suggest he doesn't have unsupervised access until the test results are through.

Mojisola

Strangefrontier wrote: »

In response to your reply Mojisola, this is the sound advise that i am following at the minute through Mediation. However, as previously explained he won't agree to anything unless it suits him.

He is currently having weekly Sunday access between 8.15am and 5pm, however as my husband refuses to get our son a travel cot, it means that he has to sleep in his pram . . . . . to which he refuses. He is literally going 12hrs without any sleep, and is therefore throwing his routine out . . . . not to mention the fact that my husband brings him home early because he just constantly screams through tiredness.
As a result, i am unable to make any plans myself as i am being controlled by the fact that he might be bringing him home early!
I pointed this out in the mediation session and suggested that he has him fortnightly so that we can both have quality time with him on a Sunday - to which he refused saying that i was breaking his bond!
I then suggested that he has him overnight on Saturday - again he refused claiming that he has work commitments . . . . even though he admitted that he has never been asked to work on a saturday!

I can only assume that as 'marshmallows' suggested, it is just another of his tricks to hurt and control me.

To be honest, i hope that it does go to Court, because they will see exactly what i do for our son, and what his dad DOESN'T do!

This is why the written evidence is so important. It sounds like a total pain at the moment but he's handing you so much evidence that will stand against him - he's damaging his own case. He might well turn up at court looking like a poor, sinned-against father desperate to have time with his son. You will be able to show that he isn't.

Very hard advice to follow - but try to go with the flow and let him have his tantrums. If you don't allow him to get to you, he can't control you. Scream and shout and punch cushions when he's not there but be reasonableness personified when he is.

Best wishes for you through this really difficult time.:A

mummy_Jay

As you state you have concerns for your sons wellbeing at this time, it is more than reasonable for you to insist that access is supervised.

Keep a diary, make sure you note down time picked up, when he brings your DS home and in what state. If he's come home upset everytime, the court needs to know this so they can make a descision in the little ones best interest.

Don't try and force access, if he wants to be awkward write down every offer you make and when. But always keep in mind what is in the best interest of the welbeing of your child.

Have a chat to your HV about how upset your little one is after visits, as this is a great concern unhealthy access can do a lot of damage to a child over a long period so you need to know your facts and when to worry about this. The fact the child is coming home in this state, due to being kept up, is cruelty and I would question wheither the term abuse should be used to describe it, either way it is a more than reasonable reason to insist on supervised access for the time being.

If you chose to let him have someone of his chosing to supervise access, make sure you trust them with the best interest of your little one, you may even have to consider allowing access in your home (a hard option I know but if thats whats best for little one) as this is would be the most comfortable option for the little one but if you go with this option I would limit it to a few hours not a whole day as it will be very stressful.

It sounds like he wants to play games, to mess with your head and make you start making emotional descisions. Every time write it down (include time and date, of copies if in writen form) and ask yourself is this in the best interest of the welbeing of my child. To deal with this is hard but you have to separate your emotions from him to do it.

Paparika

Things can be said to hurt the spouse in a separation, i am sure i said hurtful things to my ex in retaliation to the hurtful things he said to me.

He threatened to take the cooker, and expected me to provide a full nutritious meal for our son in that, my mum had to intervene.

He would turn up drunk at 4 in the morning demanding to check who was in my bed, and then demand to see his son, men like women can get nasty with words when hurt and wounded, their pride has been dented and will become blinded by these negative emotions.

Keep notes of everything that is said and done. he is using what he can against you as a weapon to hurt you, i am sure you are doing the same, you wouldn't be human if you didn't.

All i can say is be strong and concentrate on what is important, your child.

it's only taken me 10 years to able to see this.. I still remember the reasons why I divorced him, and I am glad I made that decision.


You have a rocky road in front of you, but he will get over it, eventually, just like you wil, but it will take all your strength not to falter.