I don't even know where to start.......

kezzae

I could have written your post. I was/am in the same situation with my family.
It made me very ill to the point where I was a nervous wreck and on anti depressants. I suffered panic attacks and developed a social phobia because I was convinced everything that was said was true and that I was a really bad person and wasn't normal.

It took several councilling sessions to put me on the right path and to make me realise that I was normal but that me trying to change my parents and constantly seek their approval for everything in my life was making me ill and once I realised that I was never going to change them, they were never going to be the loving caring parents to me that I craved and accepted who they are I could move on.

The councilling helped alot but I couldnt have done it without the love and support from my husband and his family.

My parents are very much all for my siblings and this used to really upset me but I look at it this way, whilst they are all over them they are leaving me alone.
I see them occasionally but its polite chit chat, I dont tell them anything I dont want them to know and vice versa. Im a much stronger person now and can speak my mind if I disagree with them, which they do not like. This is something that I could never do before, I would be a quivering wreck.

I love my parents, I dont like who they are, but I cannot change them. If you can accept that you cannot change your dad and that this is how he is, then you can move on.

You have your baby to think about so you must eat, and calm down.
When you are calm then you can think clearly.

Wishing you the best of luck for the future. xx

Morglin

You're an adult - you don't need anyone's approval, so I would just accept that you don't get on with your family and move on.

Lin

glitterycloud

ailuro2 wrote: »

Sadly it's a famililar story. Those things that were said to you were said to me except the bit about the divorce.

I haven't spoken to my family in years - it turns out I was the 'normal' one and not the good for nothing black sheep they led me to believe I was.

My best way of dealing with this is trying to bring up my own DD in a home filled with love, hugs and appreciation of others feelings. Thankfully I have a dear husband who is with me 100% on this one.

We can only break the cycle by doing the best thing for our kids.;)

Thanks ailuro2 this is exactly what I want for my children, I told my dad that I should not have witnessed all what I did as a child and that children should be brought up in a loving secure environment where arguments are not heard and he said I was living in cloud cookoo land!! that shows me I am more mature than he is! I know my children will be brought up in a very different environment than I was and I want family to be at the centre of our lives.

thank you all for your posts

I have the most wonderful husband who is behind me 100 percent and my mum knows what has happened and knows that I am not the bad person I am being made out to be, I have been there for my mum when others haven't.

I don't know why I want to please them all of the time I suppose its just in my nature but I thinking about this yesterday... its sad that I have had to move to the other side of the world just to (try to) live my life in peace!

In my heart I know I am not the person that I am being made out to be and I know that I am strong and as much as it hurts I know I need to keep the distance from these family members to remain sane!!!

Errata

I don't know why I want to please them all of the time I suppose its just in my nature but I thinking about this yesterday... its sad that I have had to move to the other side of the world just to (try to) live my life in peace!

Children often go to great lengths to please parents, whom they have to rely in fior shelter and food so they naturally try to keep on the best side of them.
Grown up children learn that there has ti be give and take in any relationship, but some fail to do this and continue to try and please parents against all odds.
Of course, the unintended consequence of parents not valuing their children is that the children have a very blunt lesson in parenting and do all they can to behave differently towards their own children.

paulrn_2

No one can give you the words you need to make it all right but we can offer perspective,
You are right that you should not have been through the things you described and your dad should never have put you through it. My wife and I split up when one of my girls was just a bit younger than you. I bitterly regretthe hurt I caused her and my other 2, and I have worked hard to put things righr, sometimes however I find it so frustrating that through my own fault that things are not as I think they should be, Your dad may have been feeling like this not an exuse but just the way things are sometimes.
Nobody in any family is the cause of all the trouble, if you have been in the Mob you know that in any mess there is a complex set of relationships and getting on is an art, its just a big family really people argue fall out get ratted and are the best of friends next day.

You need to do whats best for you if you want a relationship with the family be there for them expect ups and downs good times and bad. But most of all concentrate on yourself and yours the rest will come, take care

BitterAndTwisted

I've found that detaching myself from the day-to-day goings-on in my family means that I don't know or care about whatever it is that's lighting a fire under them. I just try and get on with my own life and try not to care about any of it. When I do see them I'm polite and interested but not drawn into any of their dramas and just refuse to adopt the role they've assigned me.

There are some things from the past that are not possible to put right while others are constantly trying to drag you back there with their issues and concerns.

I have found some peace and I hope you do, too