I don't even know where to start.......

glitterycloud

I must be a really terrible person, well thats all some family members keep telling me.
"your selfish, you have hurt me more than you'll ever know, why did you not accept our divorce the other siblings did, you never tried, you never accepted my new wife, you never acknowledged me at your wedding and I did so much for you, your too outspoken, you have kept me at arms length for many years"

all of this came from my dad this afternoon.
I idolised my dad growing up, put him on a pedestal until I was 16 and he divorced my mum. I was ok with the divorce as life had become unbearable, my dad would have blazing rows with my mum, trash the house completely, he has dragged me up the stairs by my hair in my younger years, broken down the locked bathroom door to get at me, my mum had to get inbetween us to stop him.
This afternoon I chose to call my dad to apologise for not telling him in person that I was pregnant, I am due in two weeks and suppose being pregnant has brought on many hormones that I decided I needed to apologise.
I live the otherside of the world and have just spent my whole months food allowance on a phone call to him.

He wasn't very receptive and I didn't know why, until he mentioned he had been at my sisters on sunday, me and my sister have fallen out over my dad and it has taken a bad turn where she doesn't want to speak to me. she has been feeding him a one sided story where I have been to blame she didn't tell him about how she has treated me.

I left home at just turned 18 to join the Navy, was running away really but I didn't care. I did most of my growing up in the navy and became my own person with my own beliefs and outlooks. It has broadened my horizons and I was glad to be my own person. My siblings and dad have always been close where I have been close to my mum.

I am misunderstood, judged, percieved wrong - basically my siblings and my dad no longer know the real me, they think they know me but they don't because if they did they would know that all the above said about me is not true.

I am now nearly 30 and am still blamed for everything within the family, I am called the instigator in things, the wicked witch. Nobody ever asks me for my side of things or my view on things but are very quick to make up their mind about me and what "supposedly happened" If i was asked i could tell them that what they have heard is all one sided by family members that don't know me.

I don't even know why I am writing this but I am sat here with swollen eyes from crying, swollen ankles due to stress and haven't eaten all day. Why do family members continue to try to blacken my name and make me out to be something that I am not, I am the most caring person ever, I have a big heart and am very loyal and truthful. families can be more hurtful than I ever realised.

RAS

Hi take a deep breath and another. You and another small person matter most right now.

There are a few things I recoginse. Your family are not responding to you but a distorted version of someone who was once 18 years old. My 50 year old brother is still failing to deal with the fact that I am rather different to the person he knew 35 years ago. I confess I have to try hard to see him differently and I have realised that when I try to talk to him about the old days, anything that supports his prejudices is grasped eagerly and anything else if discarded. So I have stopped trying.

On the other hand when things with our mother got really bad that my sister and I were able to talk openly about what happened and as she has learned more about the background to the events and as a parent understands the implication of those actions, she has softened considerably.

Whilst you and you sister are still both trapped emotionally by your relationships with your parents, things will be difficult.

What happened all those years ago was very very wrong. Time and distance do not make it OK. Right now, I am guessing that a good part of your distress is caused by your father's refusal to acknowledge his responsibility his actions? You cannot make him take responsibility. By hoping and hoping, you lay yourself bare to repeated abuse from him. And as you compare your hopes for your child with his actions, the pain is even harder?

I cannot tell you how to resolve this, but would advise you to get some specialist help. I did, but not until long after my father died. Earlier intervention would have helped me if no one else.

You do not have to rush things, enjoy your babay and once you can sleep and think a bit more, start to sort out your own feelings. You may find that your father then has no power to upset you.

squidge60

Sorry sweet have no advice but i know from experience familys can be very hurtful. :(I do wish parents would have an inward look at what they are like but sadly they dont. Take care :kisses3:

glitterycloud

Right now, I am guessing that a good part of your distress is caused by your father's refusal to acknowledge his responsibility his actions? You cannot make him take responsibility. By hoping and hoping, you lay yourself bare to repeated abuse from him. And as you compare your hopes for your child with his actions, the pain is even harder?


This is what is eating away at me inside, I can accept responsibility for my actions as a young person dealing with things and can say sorry whereas my dad doesn't even acknowledge that he was ever the reason. He just simply says "I don't remember that happening" as though I am making it up.

I really want a good relationship with my dad but we never seem to get any where as he refuses to see his behaviour from another point of view.

I feel I continually try to please him and my step mum but always fail as they have me down as someone I'm not. I asked him to accept me for me and that I am different from my siblings whereas I will speak my mind and he basically told me that that isn't always a good thing. I think he wants me to be like my siblings who take and take his bad behaviour and say nothing to rock the boat. But I have more feelings than that, if it isn't right i'm going to say so.

To be liked in my family it seems that you need to be able to not rock the boat and smile even when you have a different opinion.

Its hard to say goodbye to family members .... I have tried but I am a softie and want these people in my life, maybe I am just a gluten for punishment until I can kick them to the kurb.

LeeSouthEast

You can choose your friends. You cannot choose your family.

gc: Actually.. despite sitting here at the keyboard for 5 minutes .. I have no real advice. Be yourself, and be proud of who you became. The events early in your life helped shape who you are today. Learn from them, and do your very best to give your child better.

Errata

Sometimes some families can only function if they can blame one family member for everything. Sounds like you ? You won't change it, so accept that it's all about them and nothing about you and enjoy your life and your new baby.

ailuro2

Sadly it's a famililar story. Those things that were said to you were said to me except the bit about the divorce.

I haven't spoken to my family in years - it turns out I was the 'normal' one and not the good for nothing black sheep they led me to believe I was.

My best way of dealing with this is trying to bring up my own DD in a home filled with love, hugs and appreciation of others feelings. Thankfully I have a dear husband who is with me 100% on this one.

We can only break the cycle by doing the best thing for our kids.;)

Any

Brilliant post Ailuro.

dogcat_2

I think a lot of people have problems within families. To outsiders everything seems normal, and we all crave to be/have a family like them. If only we knew!
Sadly...families can and do cause a lot of heartache. Don't blame yourself...and don't believe what others say about you. you know within yourself that you are not to blame for anything, and thats all that matters. You are expecting a baby, a new person in your life. Make sure you eat and take good care of yourself and try not to worry about anything or anyone else. Easier said than done I know. I wish you and your baby best wishes for a happy future.

Steel_2

ailuro2 wrote: »

Sadly it's a famililar story. Those things that were said to you were said to me except the bit about the divorce.

I haven't spoken to my family in years - it turns out I was the 'normal' one and not the good for nothing black sheep they led me to believe I was.

My best way of dealing with this is trying to bring up my own DD in a home filled with love, hugs and appreciation of others feelings. Thankfully I have a dear husband who is with me 100% on this one.

We can only break the cycle by doing the best thing for our kids.;)

Are we twins? Some families always have to have a scapegoat don't they. I'm my family's. Takes years to realise there's nothing wrong with you at all.

Steel_2

glitterycloud wrote: »

I feel I continually try to please him and my step mum but always fail as they have me down as someone I'm not. I asked him to accept me for me and that I am different from my siblings whereas I will speak my mind and he basically told me that that isn't always a good thing. I think he wants me to be like my siblings who take and take his bad behaviour and say nothing to rock the boat. But I have more feelings than that, if it isn't right i'm going to say so.

To be liked in my family it seems that you need to be able to not rock the boat and smile even when you have a different opinion. Its hard to say goodbye to family members .... I have tried but I am a softie and want these people in my life, maybe I am just a gluten for punishment until I can kick them to the kurb.

Why do you want to keep trying to please them? It doesn't matter what you do, they've assigned you the role of family scapegoat. The reason they've done that is not because there is something wrong with you. It's because you've shown such strength and independence and they don't like it!

They want to control you, to manipulate you into doing they want regardless if it is to your detriment. In fact, if they ever did admit that maybe they acted in an abusive manner towards you, they would then probably blame you for provoking them into it!! Or tell you you're being too sensitive. Or you're lying. Or remembering it incorrectly. Or you dreamt it. Or you're attention seeking.

The only way to have them in your life - and you've already said it - is to do what they want, take the bad behaviour and not rock the boat. Do you want that? For your child as well? Because your child is going to be their next victim if you don't stop this.

As for your father being kept at arms length, hardly surprising. If someone has abused you (emotionally or physically) why would you want then close to you?

Start taking care of yourself and your baby. You two have a chance at a happy normal life. You have a chance to create for your child the happy childhood you didn't have. You've got to accept (or reject) your family for what they actually are, not what you wish they could be.

One way lies peace and happiness. The other way lies more of the same c**p you've had to deal with for years.