Bullying and right approach?

Nomoneymummy_2

Hi All,

Have been trying to deal with an issue and my eldest DD since LAST term and its still not being resolved, she's come home today and complained about another incedent (actually mentioned it in the school yard but it as we car pool it wasn't my day to pick up and the parent pulled me to one side and passed details on),

Basically its involved 2 boys pushing her over repeatedly, and then getting other children to join in, when I've asked where the supervisors have been I've been told another child had just fallen and they were dealing with this?

Im really peeved as the pattern is as soon as the teachers/dinner ladys turn there backs something happens, I have been complaining about this since last year now and nothing has been done, I know children will be children and fall out etc and have tried to get my daughter to deal with it herself assertively, but the fact that its now taking place BEHIND teachers backs seems a little more serious to me!!

I plan to go in and see the head tomorrow, its anti~bullying week next week and a great way for them to deal with the behaviour so any tips on the best way to approach this?????

I'm trying to stay calm and see it from all sides but last term another child who had some difficulties (medical incontinace) left because of the school lack of approach to bullying, it just seems the teachers are closing their eyes to it and instead trying to focus on attendance/lateness issues (not mine before anyone jumps on my back!!)

Ok sorry if I got a bit ranty there but any help much appreciated

cmarkham

Hi, my DS is also having problems with bullying, he is 13 and is being picked on by 2 members of his rugby team, he has had his head shut in a door, clothes stolen and hit in the head with boots etc...... Luckily, the school has a policeman attached to it and the lads have been told they are very lucky not to have been arrested for assault and if they repeat the behaviour they will be arrested, one has been banned from rugby training and one has been banned from a school trip to france to play rugby so overall I have been quite pleased with their response. It might be worth mentioning to the school that u class this as assault and if they don't deal with it then you will be contacting the police, good luck !!!!!!!!!!! It is so horrible when someone hurts your kids, u just hurt for them x

tandraig

in my opinion - it isnt on here you should be ranting - its at the school!!! okay - I understand you dont want to come across as unreasonable.....but two boys are physically assaulting your daughter...and others are joining in????????? if this happened to you at work what would you do? what would you expect management to do?????? would you inform police????? tbh if i was you i wouldnt worry about coming across to school as unreasonable - they are failing in their duty of care to your daughter - and if you DONT kick up a fuss they will continue to do so. personally my daughter would be out of there damn quick - and to the other poster whose son is being bullied- if that happened out on the street - you would be reporting it to police wouldnt you? why is it when physical assaults take place at school its treated differently? being too reasonable can lead to tragedy - believe me - I KNOW! your job as a parent is to protect your children. the schools job is to educate and to keep your child safe within its walls.

MrsE_2

I know this won't be popular but I would take it straight to the parents.

In all honestly I would "bully them" if need to till they controlled their kids.

PS, it works.

chriszzz

Nomoneymoney,

You have to tackle it head on, go straight to the school and be firm in your approach, let them no you will not tolerate your child being bullied in this school and ask them what they propose to do about it, let them also know that you don't want any consequences coming your daughters way.

If they are a good school they will do their utmost to work with you and your daughter and make sure that she faces no consequences.

Let them also know that if it was the other way round, you would not tolerate your child being a bully.

Approach it right and they will sit up and take notice. Good Luck! Keep us posted!

tandraig

MrsE wrote: »

I know this won't be popular but I would take it straight to the parents.

In all honestly I would "bully them" if need to till they controlled their kids.

PS, it works.

It may have worked for you MrsE - but, I read the OP as being not the type to bully people - she is worried about coming across to the school as being unreasonable for gawds sake! I dont think this is the best approach either - we dont know what sort of people thiese bullies parents are - they may well be violent and i wouldnt recommend the OP take direct approach and i dont think the police would recommend it either.
imho OP needs to let school know she has been reasonable enough - but, its time to play hardball! the school is failing her daughter and tbh so is OP. her daughter is being physically assaulted!!! time to get angry and take action! even to the extent of keeping daughter home if necessary!
btw OP how is your daughter coping? you havent said if she is reluctant to go to school or has nightmares? she ok?

Nomoneymummy_2

Thanks all,
DD is doing well on it.... I've done the whole be asserttive, deal with it, don't show them your upset etc etc as I'm hoping she will be a little strong headed (if it was the youngest dd she'd have floored them by now btw!) Eldest has always been of a sensitive nature but over the last few weeks she has been more reluctant to go to school, which I'm gutted about as she's very bright and its getting her down now!

It was parents eve last Thurs and I thought it was all dealt with, the problem childrens parents were in the same time group (just the 3 of us for 45 mins!) and we had a chat about it all, the parents, though I don't consider friends are aqaintances and approachable so it wasn't difficult but to hear it is now happening BEHIND teachers/supervisors backs has got me quite worried.

As picked up by tandraig I'm a softy myslef though thankfully I married my opposite where thats involved, so I will do the reasonable approach tomorrow and try to keep it calm (though I'm fuming tbh as I've bathed her since and there are massive bruises in her legs that were not there this am!!!!), if it continues on past this incedent the heavy guns.... aka the OH will step in!!

Hopefully his no nonsense approach will be better than my softly softly!!!

I was hoping she would understand and stand up to them, Im slightly worried about always stepping in for her???? < not sure if I should be????>

jennihen

Have you asked your daughter what she wants to do about it? I only ask cos my eldest was bullied when he started secondary school. After a few attempts on my part to deal with the situation he told me to back off cos the school involvement was making it worse. Thankfully we could talk about and I always asked him want he wanted to do after that. He decided avoidance worked well for him and we also practised witty comebacks. Sometimes he just wanted to vent and verbalise scenarios where the bully got his comeuppance!! His dad is the wade-in-all-guns-blazing type and DS1 has never told him any of this - that speaks volumes to me.
Several years on DS1 is happy, popular but most importantly has a quiet strength of character about him. Its been hard standing back and watching his pain. I know every child is different but this was how my son wanted to deal with it.
Violence is a different matter though and in that situation I would have contacted the college without DS1 knowing and told them in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable. In fact I DID at one point write such a strongly worded letter that DS1's battle-axe of a form tutor felt threatened! LOL there was no threat at all!!
Whatever you do keep talking to your daughter, let her feel she has some control over the situation.
Good luck and I as said to my boy - I am so sorry your little girl has to share this planet with people who are not worthy of being on it.
JH

bugbabe1970

I work in a school and my husband is a teacher, you need to get this sorted!

Your daughter needs to be the one who decides what action should be taken and obviously support her in what she decides (I know you are) If your DD wants to get the situation sorted then...........

Speak to the head again, if nothing is done write a letter to the head of the board of governors and make a formal complaint, again if nothing is done, write to your LEA, again if nothing is done contact the police.

This behaviour is totally unacceptable and needs to be sorted brfore your DD is emotionally scarred by it.

Good luck,

Be assertive.

grey_lady

Just wondering, there's been two posters who have advised to go with what the child wants to do, I dont understand how that can always be a good approach - surely its up to the parent to protect and know when to intervene / remove from harm. If a child is coming home brusied due to bullying, how many times is it ok for them to go back into that situation - they may well have been told / threatened not to cause trouble hence asking their parents not to intervene. Similar to what a previous poster said, you wouldnt go into work and be physically bullied so why it is ok to send a child back in the next day.....

jennihen

Grey_lady - Hi - every situation is different and unfortunately there is no single solution to this problem whether its a school incident between children at school or adults in the workplace.
As a parent you cannot always intervene and solve their problems for them - part of letting them grow up means letting them decide how to procede. A lot depends on the individual child. Please don't for one minute think I wouldn't have removed my son from harm, moved schools, moved country even to protect him.
In my son's case the school's intervention made the situation worse and he declined their solution. Thankfully there are new and better measures in place now.