wanting another baby

spethmeister

Hi mums,

Please bear with me if this all comes out a bit jumbled and waffly, i'm a tad emotional this evening and have just got out of bed to come and write this in the hope that getting it all off my chest will help me sleep!

I don't think you need my life story but just to give you a bit of my background...

I had my first baby when I was 19. She wasn't planned and i'm no longer with her father (unfortunately he's a complete waste of space, but that's a whole other thread entirely!) I had an awful pregnancy - suffered Hyperemesis Gravidarum and Obsetric Cholestasis and spent a LOT of time in hospital. My family have since admitted that some times they were scared that either me or the baby (or even both) might not survive, as I was in such a mess.

I had post natal depression and was absolutely adament that I was not going to have any more babies ever because although I adore my daughter, the whole pregnancy and birth business was just too much to contemplate doing again.

Roll forward 5 years, I find myself pregnant again. Not planned this time either but aside from being terrified of the pregnancy, I was thrilled as was my partner.

Our baby was born in April and we're just so happy and I love our family so much. Everyone asks if i'd have another and I always say yes, that I want at least two more, but not too soon as money / work / life gets in the way of all that!!

But now every time I see a pregnant lady, my whole body aches to be pregnant again. I want another baby. I don't want a 5 1/2 year age gap again, I want them to be close together. I want a big family. I want scans and kicks, sleepless nights, the lot!

Granted i'm on sleepless nights at the moment anyway but that doesn't put me off!!

OH wants to wait until we live somewhere bigger and have more money - our flat is quite small and only has 2 bedrooms so it's a squeeze already - and I think he thinks it would be nice to be married before we have any more babies. I'm not sure what my boss would say if I fell pregnant again as I discovered I was pregnant only a month after starting my job and don't think it would be ideal to go back and get pregnant again straight away. We don't have the money or the space, we'd need bigger cars, we don't have the money, but god, I just so desperately want another baby.

I knew I was feeling really strongly about but it was getting a text from a friend this evening that has made me get all emotional about it all - one of my friends who had her son the month before I had my daughter has just told me she is due to have baby number 2 in May and i'm so jealous I could actually throw up. I can't get to sleep as I can't stop going round in circles in my head, trying to work out how it would be possible, ow wonderful i'd feel if I found out I was expecting again, how much I'd love to add to our family again asap.

Honestly, i'm imagining lottery wins and all sorts!

Guess more than anything I just needed to get it off my chest. Maybe need someone to talk some sense to me. Maybe need someone to tell me it's normal to feel this way, or that it's not impossible for this dream to become a reality.

God I need a hug but OH is fast asleep and although he did manage a half comforting squeeze when I started sobbing in bed, he's so shattered he fell asleep again as soon as I calmed down a bit, I didn't even manage to speak to him about what is wrong!!

So much for my early night!

mumslave

Sounds a bit similar to me really, I had my first baby, unplanned and went on to have PND, then had unplanned second daughter whom i fell instantly in love with, doted on, finally felt I was a 'good mother'...the urge to have another when i realised how much I adored both my kids and being a mum was very strong and also we both secretly hoped we might have a boy...so we agreed we would go ahead and try for another, IF we found a bigger house (we private rent, buying is a long way off yet) which we did. When Mace arrived i thought our family was complete, but one miscarriage later (my lost baby would have been due 19th of november this year incidently) and the urge to have just one more was very strong. Again we moved first (4 bed private now).

I think its quite normal to feel the way you do, especially when your second chance at mother hood shows you how amazing it can be, with the PND you feel cheated somehow. But you and your oh really need to be singing from the same hymn sheet before you go ahead. I know people say your finances should be good/secure before having another and they are quite right, however I wanted mine all close together. By the time I am 30 all mine will be in school so I can get back to work properly.

Anyways, by all means talk to your hubby explain how badly you want more children, see if you can reach a compromise, if you still feel so strongly in six months say, perhaps go from there? These broody feelings can come and go, especially when your current children decide to enter difficult phases.

spethmeister

thank you so much for replying to me. been feeling like i'm going mad this evening! i think you're right about feeling this way because I have now experienced how amazing it can be, and the PND definitely left me feeling cheated (have never thought of it like that but that really is the best word for it!)

think i'm going to talk to OH tomorrow, explain how I feel. I haven't really talked to him about it much as I expected it to pass, but I think it's definitely something we need to be open about. Will be a lot easier to talk about when he's awake though!!

I also want to get on with work etc once the kids are all in school etc, which would be with me at about 30 yrs old so still young enough to make a good career!

Sorry to hear of your loss, will be thinking of you on 19th x

skypie123_2

Hugs!
Hope your talk goes well tomorrow. Funny how Mother Nature just kicks in and makes us broody like that. I'm 37 now and find myself starting to get broody again. I know time is kind of running out for me (I have 2 already) and I'm only recently back with my ex fiance who I lost a baby with once before. He says we should 'do things properly' ie get married etc and then think about it maybe. I dont think there is ever really a right time to have a baby, and in my experience when youre trying for one it doesnt happen just like that! I know he is right but my blooming broodiness wont go away!
So you go for it if your OH says why not! I would in a heartbeat! xxxxx

sp1987

If your partner thinks having another one at some point in the future is a good idea then great, first hurdle overcome!

You are what now, 25? You have a good 10 years of childbearing left in you so at least there is no pressure to rush. I'm 22 and pregnant with my first but quite adamant it will be the only one, at least for 5+ years. He was unplanned and I want the stability for him long term which I want to concentrate on before I even think of another (I am not naturally maternal and come from a long line of contented only children, lol). I also hate being fat so this pregnancy lark is not much of a life goal for me, just a means to an end, lol.

Can you not ''plan'' another baby, i.e. discuss a timescale with your partner so you know when it is possible to do and so you are not left screaming inside with envy at anyone who looks remotely overweight in the front, lol. If you know, for instance that the plan is to sort out x amount in savings, maybe be married, move to x sized house and have x sized car then you can work towards all those things together with the goal of your partner being more settled with the situation and you more settled as you will have that extra child? I think if you rush too quickly into it and end up with two very close together you may risk rocking the boat with regards to PND. You seem like you have it all sorted now with regards to a job, a happy family and a loving partner so try to make the most of what you have whilst making plans to expand (literally!).

If you have had such a pleasurable experience this time around, savour it and ensure the same can be done next time around. You really do not want to end up in 5 years with all the kids crushed into your 2 bed flat, you want to have enough space for everyone to move around lol.

I'm glad you have had such a positive experience

spethmeister

Thanks so myuch for your replies. I am going to do as suggested and see if me and OH can make some plans, might help to settle my urges a bit if I know I have something to aim towards!

I feel so lucky to have had such a positive experience this time round (hypno birthing!) so it should be simple enough to focus on how lucky we are and enjoy the 2 we've got for the time being without being too dismayed that I have to wait a while before getting pregnant again!

gravitytolls

Just to echo the sound advice from others, a proper, weep free, heart to heart is needed.

Mumslave hit the nail on the head about feeling cheated by PND, and you will likely feel that way for the rest of your life, but don't let it intefere with your relationship with your daughter, as she hasn't been cheated.

Your baby is 8 mths old? So you'd be coping with an 18 mth old as well as a newborn if you tried now and were successful quickly. TBH, as a mum of almost 9, it's not that bad, but it is very hard work. The biggest problem I found with having 2 so close was guilt. I wanted to spend time playing with the older baby, but felt that he was neglected out of necessity because the tiny babe needed me, and when I was playing with the older one, I felt the baby was missing out on just being held and smelled. Of course neither seemed to suffer, as they were both loved by both of us. Nonehteless, I still feel that time was marred by my own guilt.

Anyhoo, having had 1 yr, 2 yr, 4 yr and 3 yr gaps between babes, I can say, hand on heart, that 3 yrs was the best option. It seemed that communication was formed well between the 2 yr old and the family when the latest was conceived, potty training was not only up and running but generally completed by the time the baby arrived, socialisation via toddler groups was well established, and we could talk about the baby, feel the tummy, look at pics etc.

I felt able to cope, I felt the older babe was able to cope and anjoyed being an older bro or sis (with a few jealousy niggles), and I felt emotionally and physically ready for birth again.

Perhaps after a proper talk, you could be looking at setting some sort of time scale. Not a date as such, but more a 'time' when you will hopefully both be ready to try again.

mumslave

It is true that you feel guilty when they are so close in age. Trying to spend time with them both at the same time can be a bit of a nightmare, with them both trying to outdo the other, then when it comes to being naughty, they band together like a pack of wolves lol. But then trying to find quality time to spend one on one isnt easy too when you are so busy. I will admit more often than not, my older two prefer to amuse themselves these days tut tut.

A word of caution too, I know it may seem like you will never suffer pnd again and that may very well be the case, however when decided to have both my third and fourth baby, I made sure the possibility of it recurring had been discussed with partner before going ahead. I very much doubt I would develop it again after having Noah, but you just never know. You need to think about this when considering another.

At 25, the other poster is right, there isnt any rush, but having had all mine by the age of 25 (come next feb hubs is in for the snip, would you believe they still wont steralise me :O ) i do like the fact when they are all in school I will only be 30, meaning i still have plenty of working years in me yet, I always wanted a career believe it or not. I can understand folks reasons for wanting to have them all young and close together in other words, but it can be hard at times, very hard.

Best of luck

MrsTinks

Gravity... 9???? :eek: you're a braver woman than I! Hat off to you!
I've only got the one but I do think like you that a 2-3 year gap is a good idea - it gives the body time to heal, replenish and for you to enjoy the first baby. There are all sorts of health issues with having back to back pregnancies but there are the emotional issues too And like you say I think a 2-3 year old toddler is far better able to understand and participate in looking after a little sibling

Greener_Grass

OP I think you have been given some great advice by some of the ladies here

I can sympathise with the broody feelings. I have felt like this too on of since I had my son. Some days I am desperate for another where as others I think no way!! I too would like 4 (only have 1 at the moment) but I'm thinking at least a 2 year gap would be needed. Have thought start trying when my son is 2 then by the time the next baby comes along my son will be at pre school a few mornings a week at least so will be some help. Also if you think of it, It takes 9 months to be pregnant so setting a target for having a baby when your baby is 2 actually means getting pregnant in only 7 months

I don't think there is ever a right time to have a baby. I would never have dreamed of having a baby when I did but have never been happier since having my son. My parter was in his first year at uni when I fell pregnant and I was the breadwinner. We also lived in a tiny rented 1 bed flat! But we have survived and now live in a 2 bed flat whilst my partner works part time whilst at uni and I stay at home to look after my son. Things are very tight yes but we are happy

Good luck whatever you decide to do