so so mad with him

flower24

A letter has just arrived for my OH, I googled the return address and it came up with a debt collectors so I opened the letter. He apparently owes nat west nearly £600 and is going to have to pay £40 a month to them. I've no idea what it's for. I'm so so fuming, this isn't the first time, just last week I opened another letter that showed he'd been paying £15 a month towards another debt for the past 8 months when he'd told me they'd said he didn't have to pay while he was out of work (he's been in his new job a month now). And it's happened a few other times in our relationship. He doesn't bother to tell me, and then I find letters stashed away. That's why I've started opening any suss mail. I feel so hurt, he is a fabulous partner and dad, apart from hiding stuff like this from me I want to scream at him. My friends think I should take his bank card and give him an allowance but I feel like that would be controlling, but can't see any other way of getting him to be honest with me.

Oldernotwiser

I'd be more concerned as to what he's been spending £600 on (and the rest) that you don't know about; that would seem to be more important than the actual debts!

flower24

That's what I don't understand. I know he did open a new bank account with nat west a while back and it was one of those accounts you have to pay for. I told him to shut the account down as he would be paying around a tenner a month for nothing, as his other bank account was fine. But the money can't be for that because that was only a few months back so no way could it be nearly £600.

The other debt that he's been paying £15 a month for is from before we even got together, he used to pay £40 a week straight from his wages but when he was made redundant he went to the court about it and he told me they said he didn't have to start paying again until he found another job (his new job started 4 weeks ago).

Pee

If you take his bank card off him and give him an allowance, will this mean there is more openness and honesty in your relationship?

I don't think so.

The best way of getting him to be honest is to talk to him about it, to listen to what he has to say, to respect his viewpoints and to see if you can work together to solve the problem.

Agree with Oldernotwiser, what has he spent the money on? You may be facing a bigger problem here such as drugs or gambling - don't jump to conclusions but bear this in mind.

flower24

he's most definitely not on drugs, or gambling, when he isn't at work we are always together, bearing in mind he was unemployed for a year after being made redundant, and has only been working for a month, we were together pretty much 24/7 up until a month ago.

I understand what you mean about the honestly but this is probably the 4th or 5th time something like this has happened, last time I threatened with splitting up as I can't be with someone who can't be honest with me.

Pee

You threatened, but you didn't do anything. So in the back of his mind, he's thinking, it's ok, she won't leave me, she doesn't mind being treated like this...

I'm glad that drugs and gambling aren't the problem. It sounds like he's just very bad at financial management and inclined to hide his head in the sand. That is quite common although it does need to be addressed.

Don't make empty threats, though.

Would Relate be an option?

flower24

just re-read the letter...the client is natwest retail finance...what's that mean?

JoW123

OP you need to get to the bottom of this, and quickly. Sit your OH down and find out exactly where the money has been spent. Ask to see bank statements and then decide how to proceed. If nothing changes, believe me he will continue to do this. I have been through a year of hell and just split up with my partner of 8 years due to pretty much the same thing although in his case it was a gambling addiction, but the lies and deceit around it were unbelievable and I am still trying to get my head around it.

I wish I had been tougher in the first place but its all water under the bridge now. Its an awful situation where you can't trust your partner and I suggest you find out where the money has been spent and address his financial management by making HIM responsible for it. Do not take his bank card etc as that just lets him off, and possibly may make him more deceitful. My heart goes out to you as I've been in your position and it is truly heart-breaking.

cakeordeath_2

For the natwest account at £10 a month fee, if he didn't have any money in the account for the 1st months fee it is possible that they then started lumping charges on top for non-payment/overdrawn/unauthorised overdraft/letters etc, this could bump up the debt really quickly, so it might not be that he's spent hardly anything at all.

It's going to take a cool head to sit down and go through everything to get it straight, I understand how furious you must be, I'd be fuming, but he probably has been burying his head in the sand worrying that you will leave him and it's all mounted up on him and got out of control. He's got to be completely upfront about it all and lay it out on the table for you to be able to deal with it properly, so it might be hard not to loose your rag especially if more things pop up than you already know about.

good luck with it all.

C_Mababejive

You need to stop opening his mail and taking charge/responsibility for his activities.

What you do need to do is explain the part he plays in your relationship/household and the ways in which his current evasive behaviour are/can damage what you currently have.

From that point,assuming he accepts the position and responsibility for it,you can help him to put a plan in place to deal with it.

But dont take responsibility for it and dont put up with it.

I also think he has some explaining to do.

flower24

cakeordeath wrote: »

For the natwest account at £10 a month fee, if he didn't have any money in the account for the 1st months fee it is possible that they then started lumping charges on top for non-payment/overdrawn/unauthorised overdraft/letters etc, this could bump up the debt really quickly, so it might not be that he's spent hardly anything at all.

It's going to take a cool head to sit down and go through everything to get it straight, I understand how furious you must be, I'd be fuming, but he probably has been burying his head in the sand worrying that you will leave him and it's all mounted up on him and got out of control. He's got to be completely upfront about it all and lay it out on the table for you to be able to deal with it properly, so it might be hard not to loose your rag especially if more things pop up than you already know about.

good luck with it all.

just on the phone now to him, it's from that account, apparent;y they phoned him on friday and wanted £280 from him and unless he could clear it then they'd add interest on. £300 interest :eek:

i'm so so cross and upset