Children leaving home/returning /leaving

doelani

Son (21) left home, for various reasons has returned and went and bought him new bed etc as his old one had gone. Settling in again although hard getting used to extra adult in house. Then yesterday seen on facebook that daughter (19) and her mate are looking for their own place!!!!!

Maybe I should just get a revolving door???

My daughter works 20 miles away adn is thinking of moving closer, do not have a real issue as I know she will be ok but will miss her so much.

Then again she may come back again. lol

ailuro2

Ask her what her plans are instead of finding out on facebook.

It does sound like a good plan if she lives 20 miles away, she could flatshare with a friend and come back once a week to get her washing done and Sunday dinner (this is exactly what my nephew does!)

However, nephew differs in that his wise Mummy cleared out his room and decorated it as a guest bedroom so there's plenty of room when family come to stay.

This has stopped the door revolving in any way, without shutting it completely.

busiscoming2

ailuro2 wrote: »

However, nephew differs in that his wise Mummy cleared out his room and decorated it as a guest bedroom so there's plenty of room when family come to stay.

This has stopped the door revolving in any way, without shutting it completely.

We have done a similar thing, dd moved to Dublin once she graduated, ds1 has gone to uni and renting a house with others, only ds2 at home permanantly now. Had a bedroom reshuffle, ds2 has biggest bedoom, ds1 has a small one for his brief visits home and the other room is now a study (lol! has the big pc in it!) and we have an inflatable matress for when dd comes home to visit.
As much as I love my kids, I think once they have been independent from you it would be very difficult on both sides to get used to the 'parent/child' relationship again.

Savvy_Sue

ailuro2 wrote: »

Ask her what her plans are instead of finding out on facebook.

A good plan. Then you can lay out the ground rules.

ailuro2 wrote: »

It does sound like a good plan if she lives 20 miles away, she could flatshare with a friend and come back once a week to get her washing done and Sunday dinner (this is exactly what my nephew does!)

:rotfl: Not such a good plan, IMO! :rotfl:

ailuro2 wrote: »

However, nephew differs in that his wise Mummy cleared out his room and decorated it as a guest bedroom so there's plenty of room when family come to stay.

Exactly what I've told DS1, who plans to move out in January - CLEAR YOUR ROOM! Or I will ...

ailuro2 wrote: »

This has stopped the door revolving in any way, without shutting it completely.

Sadly, previous re-arrangements which should have shut the door on the OP's DS1 don't seem to have worked.

doelani wrote: »

Settling in again although hard getting used to extra adult in house.

I'd just like to ask, is he now behaving like an adult? Because it didn't seem from your earlier posts as if he was ...

LJM

i think its lovely that they come back i will be awful when my girls leave home,but i will always have a room there for them so they know they can come home whenever they like

oystercatcher

Having read previous threads on a similar subject I decided I was within my rights to get DS 20 to clear his room completely when he arranged to share a flat with a work coleague. The room desperately needs decorating and I wanted it empty so we can repaint and said he's welcome to come back and stay whenever he wants/needs but we may swap rooms around so his younger brother can have a larger room with space to study.

Well it all ended in a tremendous row, room was cleared as I asked but I was shouted at and tears both sides as eldest claims he feels unwanted and pushed out, apparently I couldn't wait for him to leave !! (He's been living here for almost two years rent free whilst working and saving for a deposit to buy, it was his decision to rent instead).

I feel terrible now and not quite sure who is in the wrong. It doesn't seem right to keep the biggest room empty most of the time for him to use when he chooses to visit when his brother is stuck in a tiny box room. However eldest is obviously upset by this all which I don't understand.
Middle son quite happily cleared his room to go off to uni and just left a few essentials in wardrobe and lots of boxes etc put in the loft.

Not an answer to OP but just pointing out that feelings can be hurt unexpectedly.

doelani

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'd just like to ask, is he now behaving like an adult? Because it didn't seem from your earlier posts as if he was ...

Yes well so far , seems he realised the grass is not always greener lol

emlou2009

i am one of the offending children that moved out and back in again - in fact i did it twice! the first time my fiancee cheated on me, leaving me with no other option but to move back home, and the second time i had moved in with a friend whose parents decided to help her buy her own flat, again i couldnt afford to live on my own.

i was always very grateful to my nan for letting me move out and in like that, but as she said, she didnt need to think twice. as far as she was concerned it was the home i grew up in and therefore it was always my home whenever i needed it. i now have my own family but the door would always be open there for us still if we needed it. i think its sad when people think of their children moving back in as a bad thing.

The_Banker_5

I blame t'internet.;)

Savvy_Sue

oystercatcher wrote: »

Well it all ended in a tremendous row, room was cleared as I asked but I was shouted at and tears both sides as eldest claims he feels unwanted and pushed out, apparently I couldn't wait for him to leave !! (He's been living here for almost two years rent free whilst working and saving for a deposit to buy, it was his decision to rent instead).

I feel terrible now and not quite sure who is in the wrong. It doesn't seem right to keep the biggest room empty most of the time for him to use when he chooses to visit when his brother is stuck in a tiny box room. However eldest is obviously upset by this all which I don't understand.
Middle son quite happily cleared his room to go off to uni and just left a few essentials in wardrobe and lots of boxes etc put in the loft.

Not an answer to OP but just pointing out that feelings can be hurt unexpectedly.

I don't think you are in the wrong. It is a logical decision. However, even usually logical people do not always 'get' other people's logical decisions. DS1 was adamant when we moved that we were giving him the smallest room (possibly true) and that it was only about half the size of his old room (wildly untrue!) He wanted the largest room, all to himself, whereas we were putting his two brothers into that, and keeping a mid-size room as a spare. I had to walk round it pointing out all the different places a bed would fit - compared to only one space in his old room - and all the places he could put his 'stuff' compared to his old room, before he grudgingly accepted that it was OK. He still thought it was smaller though.

There may be all sorts of things going on for your eldest. He may be doing a few 'what ifs', and fear having to move back long term into his 'little brother's room' - which you say is a box room - especially as the longer one is away, the more 'stuff' one accumulates! I don't know if you can reassure him that if he needed or wanted to come home, another reorganisation could be worked through.

Would a compromise be to re-decorate, turn it into a guest room, and swap middle with youngest brother long-term?

Is it possible to sit down and talk through all the options with them individually, and then together?

emlou2009 wrote: »

i think its sad when people think of their children moving back in as a bad thing.

It's not that I think of it as a bad thing, and mine will always be welcome while we have the space, but since we will have to downsize in the next few years I can't guarantee that we'll be able to buy somewhere with 5 bedrooms, or even 4. I'm delighted to have DS1 back after Uni (shows I must have done something right!), BUT I will be happy for him when he moves out in January, and I've done my best to equip him with the skills he needs to make that a permanent move.

What I don't want him to think is that if he has a minor falling-out with his flatmate, or runs out of money, or just fancies being looked after, he can just move back in and expect the household to revolve around him and his preferences. If DH takes over his bedroom as a study (which he'd like to do!), DS1 will have to live with that.

emlou2009

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

What I don't want him to think is that if he has a minor falling-out with his flatmate, or runs out of money, or just fancies being looked after, he can just move back in and expect the household to revolve around him and his preferences. If DH takes over his bedroom as a study (which he'd like to do!), DS1 will have to live with that.

firstly, hello :wave: we never see you on the parents thread any more!

you mean like i did
i have to say in my defence, that things were very different when i moved back. i did my own washing and ironing, for example, i didnt contribute to the cooking because my nan had a very old fashioned way of thinking that because i'd been at work all day it was wrong for me to cook for her - silly, i know, but if you can find a way of changing the mind of a stubborn 80 year old you're a better woman than i! she also benefitted to a degree from me living there, because she got the companyh she crave d and she would often text me asking me to pick up the odd thing from the shop on the way home, and she got a lift from me sometimes a well when she otherwise would have got the bus! maybe she is rare in that sh edidnt actually want me to move out?

excuse typing errors, my cat decided to come and lay acoss mty wrists halfway through me writing this :rotfl: