Children leaving home/returning /leaving

Savvy_Sue

emlou2009 wrote: »

firstly, hello :wave: we never see you on the parents thread any more!

Sorry, no, I'm being strong-willed, I love it but can't spare the time ... However feel free to post "Savvy_Sue says you're doing a grand job!" whenever the need arises ... :rotfl:

emlou2009 wrote: »

you mean like i did

Yours weren't minor events, though, or just because you felt the grass was greener at home.

I know I come across quite fierce, but I do realise that young single people can be very vulnerable to homelessness, and I'd always always ALWAYS rather mine came home to kip on the floor if necessary in preference to some of the local hostels, even if it was their own stupidity which left them with that choice. BUT, once home, I'd want to work out what went wrong, and re-launch them.

emlou2009 wrote: »

i have to say in my defence, that things were very different when i moved back. i did my own washing and ironing, for example, i didnt contribute to the cooking because my nan had a very old fashioned way of thinking that because i'd been at work all day it was wrong for me to cook for her - silly, i know, but if you can find a way of changing the mind of a stubborn 80 year old you're a better woman than i! she also benefitted to a degree from me living there, because she got the companyh she crave d and she would often text me asking me to pick up the odd thing from the shop on the way home, and she got a lift from me sometimes a well when she otherwise would have got the bus! maybe she is rare in that sh edidnt actually want me to move out?

See, that's the kind of situation where I think it's great - your nan needed company, you helped each other out, there were benefits both ways. Too often you read threads about the child absolutely taking the p, expecting their choice of meals to be served when they want, expecting their laundry to be done, not expecting to help out either financially or practically - and that's just plain WRONG! Then they move out, find that flatmates don't wait on them hand and foot, find they have to pay bills, and they run back home to mummy. And what I never understand is that mummy lets them do this!

The very first conversation I had with DS1 about his post university plans - because job hunting hadn't figured very large in his final year - included what he'd be paying for his keep when he came home. It's not as much as he'll be paying when he moves out, but he expected to have that conversation. And I'm now just waiting for him to go and wash up before I think about cooking tea ...

emlou2009 wrote: »

excuse typing errors, my cat decided to come and lay acoss mty wrists halfway through me writing this :rotfl:

:rotfl: I could just do with a cat on my lap now, it's a bit cold up here ... :rotfl:

RAS

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Too often you read threads about the child absolutely taking the p, expecting their choice of meals to be served when they want, expecting their laundry to be done, not expecting to help out either financially or practically - and that's just plain WRONG! Then they move out, find that flatmates don't wait on them hand and foot, find they have to pay bills, and they run back home to mummy.

And having shared a house for a number of years we did not want someone who had just left home or halls. Needed them to have some experience of paying the bills before we were interested. The few we did make an exception for were nightmares.

It would have been much better if they had been made to pay their way when they lived at home rather than squandering their entire income on shopping and entertainment.

oystercatcher

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I don't think you are in the wrong. It is a logical decision. However, even usually logical people do not always 'get' other people's logical decisions.
There may be all sorts of things going on for your eldest. He may be doing a few 'what ifs', and fear having to move back long term into his 'little brother's room' - which you say is a box room - especially as the longer one is away, the more 'stuff' one accumulates! I don't know if you can reassure him that if he needed or wanted to come home, another reorganisation could be worked through.

Would a compromise be to re-decorate, turn it into a guest room, and swap middle with youngest brother long-term?

Is it possible to sit down and talk through all the options with them individually, and then together?

.

When asked the youngest actually says he doesn't want the biggest room, then he admits it's because 'eldest wouldn't like it' ! I think there's actually a little bit of subtle bullying been going on which is why I want to stand up for youngest.
It's only a few months before youngest will (fingers crossed) be going off to Uni himself and then eldest will have choice of bedrooms, although there will be lots of coming and going as they only seem to be at uni for a couple of weeks a term as it is :rolleyes: !!
I think eldest probably has a few of his own issues, he has a very stressful job in the Police and maybe regrets deciding not to go to Uni. He also couldn't understand why I was moaning about him coming home, going straight out and then stumbling back up the stairs in the small hours !! Apparently his mates do far worse and their parents don't mind at all !!!
Middle sons bedroom isn't much better than the box room and it's downstairs as we have had to make the best use of space in a tiny house....
They all know they can come back here if they need to, as you have said. I certainly wouldn't want them anywhere dreadful. I just think eldest seemed to think he had a given right to his room for life and it's come as a shock !

Savvy_Sue

oystercatcher wrote: »

When asked the youngest actually says he doesn't want the biggest room, then he admits it's because 'eldest wouldn't like it' ! I think there's actually a little bit of subtle bullying been going on which is why I want to stand up for youngest.

Oh gosh, don't envy you THOSE dynamics!

oystercatcher wrote: »

I think eldest probably has a few of his own issues, he has a very stressful job in the Police and maybe regrets deciding not to go to Uni.

It's never too late, he needs to know that.

oystercatcher wrote: »

He also couldn't understand why I was moaning about him coming home, going straight out and then stumbling back up the stairs in the small hours !! Apparently his mates do far worse and their parents don't mind at all !!!

For the record, I don't mind what time anyone comes in and goes out, as long as I KNOW whether they want a meal or not, and they don't wake me up stumbling back up the stairs! Fortunately I'm either a heavy sleeper, or they're quiet. And the same 'rules' apply to DH, whose work hours can be 'interesting'.

oystercatcher wrote: »

They all know they can come back here if they need to, as you have said. I certainly wouldn't want them anywhere dreadful. I just think eldest seemed to think he had a given right to his room for life and it's come as a shock !

Well, I still say that it's part of our duty as parents to teach our offspring that life is tough, life isn't fair, deal with it ...

tsstss7

oystercatcher wrote: »

Having read previous threads on a similar subject I decided I was within my rights to get DS 20 to clear his room completely when he arranged to share a flat with a work coleague. The room desperately needs decorating and I wanted it empty so we can repaint and said he's welcome to come back and stay whenever he wants/needs but we may swap rooms around so his younger brother can have a larger room with space to study.

Well it all ended in a tremendous row, room was cleared as I asked but I was shouted at and tears both sides as eldest claims he feels unwanted and pushed out, apparently I couldn't wait for him to leave !! (He's been living here for almost two years rent free whilst working and saving for a deposit to buy, it was his decision to rent instead).

I feel terrible now and not quite sure who is in the wrong. It doesn't seem right to keep the biggest room empty most of the time for him to use when he chooses to visit when his brother is stuck in a tiny box room. However eldest is obviously upset by this all which I don't understand.
Middle son quite happily cleared his room to go off to uni and just left a few essentials in wardrobe and lots of boxes etc put in the loft.

Not an answer to OP but just pointing out that feelings can be hurt unexpectedly.

Oyster I may be being a bit harsh here but the phrase having his cake and eating it too comes to mind........I agree with SS here I think a parents home should be a safety net not a lifestyle choice.

Indie_Kid

oystercatcher wrote: »

It doesn't seem right to keep the biggest room empty most of the time for him to use when he chooses to visit when his brother is stuck in a tiny box room.

This was my parents' argument (actually, they have the biggest room...) and we were all ok with it. When I found out I would be moving, my brother's response was "oh good!" I mistook that as "I can have your room now." He claims he didn't mean that.

Would a compromise be to re-decorate, turn it into a guest room, and swap middle with youngest brother long-term?

I agree with this. My parents decided that because my sister and I were moving out (we shared a room) they were going to decorate their room and what is now my brother's. (their room has never been decorated) I think they're planning on decorating what will be my room when I stay over too; but am not sure about it.

Alias_Omega

I had to move out from home to get on my own two feet,

For me, (I was 20yrs old) I moved out when i boarded that train to london to join the RAF. I can remember looking through the window watching mum cry as if i was departing for war, little did she know that 4 weeks later i would be back home with my washing (i dragged it 3hrs from london to the northwest by train).

I needed that big kick up the rear end, otherwise i would of been living at home aged 25, still working for £200 per week, and with a part-time job in a bar.

Moving out isnt a bad thing, it resembles something of a small baby chick, taking its first few steps out of the nest, it will take a few steps then return home, leading to more and more. Eventually the chick when its wiser, it will leave home for good..