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JSA because of change to contract?
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Again, I'm sorry you've all wasted your time. I'll know in future just to tell her who she needs to get in touch with herself.
I don't think you've wasted anyone's time on this forum, nor have any need to apologise.
I just wanted to check whether there was a possibility that your generous nature was being exploited and whether by extending so much support for someone else's problem, it could actually be counterproductive, leading to complacency. I wasn't aware this was part of a series of posts you were making for someone else who rejected the advice given. Must be exasperating for you.
In my experience of helping a particular 'needy' friend who appears to be continually unlucky, I've found that when I've stepped back, I've often attributed some of the problems they have to poor decision making or apathy in tackling their own problems, leading to a dependency on others. Because others pitch in to fix things, they never change their behaviour because they are cushioned from the consequences. They tend to go for the path of 'least resistance', looking for simple quick fixes and blow the consequences, never looking at the underlying problem.
They don't make a deliberate, conniving, conscious decision to park their problems onto others to resolve, just a pattern of automatic behaviour. Because they have people around them with so much uncritical goodwill, they dont take the initiative.
Be kind to yourself, prioritise yourself, look after yourself, push back when you feel exploited, there are simply some people that you can't help and other avenues where you can be genuinely appreciated.0 -
'continually unlucky' - you've got it right again. Everything has happened to her, although without evidence or witnesses for most of it. So much that a friend joked with me a couple of weeks after she'd moved by asking if she'd had anything go wrong yet!
What you're describing is her, perfectly. I also think that because of being ill she's used to having people do everything for her, and as much as she goes on about being independent and stuff, she still expects that. You're not the first person to tell me to stand up to her, and I am getting better, it's just hard to realise when she's manipulating me.Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.0 -
It's quite a condundrum how some people have the skill and inclination to get others to help them while seemingly lacking the resourcefulness and energy to resolve their personal problems themselves. On their belief that they are being plagued with unlucky issues that merely fall out of the sky onto them, I recall a wit who once said 'The harder I work, the luckier I get...'.
My friend exploded in a rage and hasn't spoken to me since I had a chat with her along the lines of 'why do you keep going on holiday when you say you are struggling to pay your mortgage?', or 'why are asking me to pay a debt collectors fee for a household debt when you've just had a long holiday abroad'. Afterwards, when I thought back on the few times I asked her for a simple favour, she'd either not done it, had refused to do it, had done it badly and with poor grace, or had fobbed it off on someone else. There simply wasn't any reciprocity.
Much better to just quietly withdraw from being treated like a sucker rather than challenge them so openly - you are only going to experience hostility and resistance. Bow out gracefully and spend time being nice to yourself.
Unless your sister hasn't got any hands or vocal chords, and therefore can't make a phonecall or post an internet enquiry to find out the information she needs, there's frankly no real reason why somebody else has to do it for her.0 -
That all sounds so familiar!
I ask for her help, and the excuses never stop. The problem is, because I don't work, I'm seen (by the whole family) as the one who's there to help out any time at short notice. Like being told today to clear her flat out by tuesday am. There's not a lot left, but a bit of notice would have been nice.Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.0 -
To adapt an Eleanor Roosevelt expression 'you can only be exploited with your consent'.
I guess you have to develop skills in the area of assertiveness or strategies to resist being sucked into dealing with someone else's issues. You most certainly don't need to feel guilty at having more free time than others.
Time to call your sister and on Monday morning and let her know that you've got a last minute medical appointment due to a short-notice cancellation by another patient, therefore with the biggest regret, you are no longer able to help her on Tues...Fortunately, you've had a look on the gumtree and there's plenty of cheap 'man and van' types in the area, you've jotted down some numbers for her and at least it gives her a day to find another friend to help her move house.0 -
She can't afford food, she wont be able to afford a man with a van. And if I don't do it then, I'll be expected to do it later, it's more convenient for me to do it tomorrow when I'm going to dad's on tuesday so can leave it all there, than have to store it all here. That's how she's so good at it - she acts like she's doing me a favour when I'm helping her out.
It's one of the key areas I want to work on with my mental health team, assertiveness and how I deal with my family.
I am going to stand up to her in future though. I've already been doing it in small steps. When she lived in Leeds she was trying to change me to her way of thinking - she talked me out of dressing the way I like to, got me to change my hobbies to ones which suited her, and to prioritise my life how she wanted me to (ie, so I could buy all her food and things instead of spending on myself). It's taken me a while but I've gone back to being me, so now I need to recognise and stop the subtler things.
We're going away in December (if she can find the money to pay for it, she owes a friend £100 for the holiday, it was due last month and she can't pay for at least another 2 weeks. But I'm learning - I think she was trying to guilt me into paying, but I stayed strong), and I'll try and find a quiet time to talk to her then, on neutral territory.Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.0 -
Well if she can't afford food, or a man and van for £40, then she's daft to consider going on holiday. Therefore, if she does come up with the money for the holiday, this inevitably means she will be forcing people to subsidise her because she's overstretched herself on a luxury item.
One of the things that most amazed me about my 'poverty' stricken friend is the extraordinary goodwill of her friends and family in helping her oblivious to the relationship between her long exotic holidays across Australasia and Asia, combined with her active social life, and her inability to support herself.
She's like a Queen bee as the worker bees rush around her to fix her PC, sort out her car, maintain her bike, pay her household bills, pay her social expenses, fix/furnish/decorate her flat, produce her CV, find her jobs to apply for and so forth while she jetted off around the world and spends her time on the internet trying to find a boyfriend.
I guess its a measure of how devious and selfish some people can get - they charm or whine or sob-story people into doing things by appealing to people's need to be needed or by coming across as needy or incapable to induce sympathy.
When I have a simple DIY or maintenance issue in the flat, I either find out how to fix it and buy the right tool to do it or I call out a repair person if its beyond me. The first thing my pal does is wail at one of her mates to plead that they do it or she will simply leave it unfixed. Half her flat is repaired and decorated by friends. The other half is broken because she's simply too tight to pay for anything to be done and too lazy to do it. Her reliance on others to do everything is absolute, it's amazing the number of things that people do for her each week.
So I think you can tell I'm glad that I'm no longer sucked into supporting someone's model of the world where they feel they are a victim.0 -
It's complicated, we booked the holiday in summer before she finished uni and a friend booked it on her card. Sister thought she'd either be working, or that she'd have been on benefits. She thought that she'd be able to save from benefits, even though I told her that being under 25 meant she wouldn't get her whole rent etc. I've been on benefits due to disability for years, but of course I didn't know what I was talking about. Until I was proved right. I paid sister's deposit for her and now she needs to find the balance. Which would have been fine, if she hadn't taken a pay and hours cut. But she knew from the start that all she could rely on was 30 hours pw, and that this was coming up.
She had a backup plan that dad would pay the balance for her xmas present. But he had to pay £1k tuition fees so she could graduate, and he's finally had enough of her attitude too.
Then again, I'm guilty of the same - she owes me around £1800, and I expected to get some of it back by xmas, so I'm a bit stretched myself. I've been putting away for the holiday for a few months though. So as long as I don't get sucked into rounds of double jd's and just buy for myself I'll be fine. There's no way I can sub her though, which I've made clear.
She can't cancel the holiday either - it's a family cabin at Pontins, so either she'd have to pay or the other two of us would have to cover her share, which neither of us can really afford.Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.0 -
:wall: All she wants to know is the situation with benefits, and whether she can refuse to sign to agree to the wage cut and they'll have to keep her on at that level.
:mad:
The short answer is 'no'.
They have informed her of the change to her contract. If she continues to work for them she is deemed to have accepted the change to her terms and conditions. It makes no difference whether she signs the contract or not. If she doesn't want to accept the new terms, her only option is to resign - is that really in her best interests?
As I explained on your other thread, she has less than 12 months service, which basically means the employer can do what it likes (provided there is no unlawful discrimination involved, but from what you say that doesn't seem to be the case).I'm a retired employment solicitor. Hopefully some of my comments might be useful, but they are only my opinion and not intended as legal advice.0
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