Widow - possibly moving on? Long Post Soz

Needajob

Hi,

Hubby died 7 years ago, kids were 10 and 6. I work part time (.5 FTE), have enough to manage on; house paid for etc., Recently met a lovely man and feel ready to move on. My eldest is doing A levels and my youngest is starting GCSE's. Both kids happy and normal kids lol Both also happy with my new relationship.

Problem? What if it goes horribly wrong? I know its probably not right to dwell on negative things, but I have been sensible and focussed on my kids for so long; its a hard habit to break and I DON'T want to put them at risk, emotionally or financially. We are talking about buying a place together and basically setting up home together with a view to marraige. He is divorced, a great father to his kids and financially stable.

I do receive what was called widows benefit, wtc and my late hubby's pension, which makes up the balance of my income. Eldest qualifies for EMA. Obviously, once we set up home together, my finances would change but that should be compensated by having 2 incomes.

I suppose the problem is, giving up my security and putting mine and my kids security else where. I am applying for FT positions to cover my fall in income.

Any advice appreciated, anyone faced similar issues - emotionally and/or financially?

Cheers

Sheila

sp1987

Would he be able to move in with you as a trial so you can still keep your house and see how it goes with a review of it all in a few months? I'm not sure if that is possible if he has children living with him (not sure on the size of your house) etc...but would allow you to keep some security whilst you build up some confidence in the changes? If he has a property could this be rented out, etc?

Are you able to discuss this with the children too? I know when I was 16+ my mum spoke to me about a lot of things and if they are useful in that way it may be good to open up to them? You sound like a lovely mother and I'm sure your two children are proud to have somebody like you. I'm sure they will want to see you happy too!

Oldernotwiser

Alternatively, you could rent your own property out, giving you an extra income as well as the security of a place to move back to if things don't work out.

Personally, in your situation, I wouldn't make these big changes until I was married to this man, enabling you to replace one sort of security with another.

alwaysonthego_2

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cobbingstones

Life is all about taking risks. Nobody knows what their futures hold so go with what you feel is right.

Wishing you lots of luck x

kindofagilr

I say go for it you sound really happy.

One thing I will say is, if you do go for the temp moving in option you HAVE to tell the DWP or your WB will be overpaid.

Susan_Frost

I would suggest living together for a while, and, as above, renting out a property. You really do need to live it for real before commitment. The children are old enough to understand.

If you do get married, you may feel you want to make some financial provision for your children (say, your half/portion of the new house). Otherwise, leaving all to new hubby could result in complications for them later on.

Exciting times - all the best.

margaretclare

I agree with cobbingstones and kindofagilr. Go for it! Why should you be lonely for the rest of your life?

It is 12 years this month since DH and I first got together, the 5th November that he moved in, in flight from a dreadful marriage. I'd been widowed 5 years earlier.

Oh the dire warnings that some people gave me. 'Why can't you be content to be a widow, live on your memories?' Or 'Well, I wouldn't want another man in my home, in my bed'. And 'He's left 2 other women, he'll leave you' - a prediction which, I'm thankful to say, hasn't come true because I am nothing like the 2 others.

Still worse, from a certain section of my own family, 'disloyalty to Dad, putting someone else in his place'.

We've surmounted all those negative comments, were married in January 2002 and have always been very, very happy.

Good luck to you!

Morglin

Needajob wrote: »

Hi,

Hubby died 7 years ago, kids were 10 and 6. I work part time (.5 FTE), have enough to manage on; house paid for etc., Recently met a lovely man and feel ready to move on. My eldest is doing A levels and my youngest is starting GCSE's. Both kids happy and normal kids lol Both also happy with my new relationship.

Problem? What if it goes horribly wrong? I know its probably not right to dwell on negative things, but I have been sensible and focussed on my kids for so long; its a hard habit to break and I DON'T want to put them at risk, emotionally or financially. We are talking about buying a place together and basically setting up home together with a view to marraige. He is divorced, a great father to his kids and financially stable.

I do receive what was called widows benefit, wtc and my late hubby's pension, which makes up the balance of my income. Eldest qualifies for EMA. Obviously, once we set up home together, my finances would change but that should be compensated by having 2 incomes.

I suppose the problem is, giving up my security and putting mine and my kids security else where. I am applying for FT positions to cover my fall in income.

Any advice appreciated, anyone faced similar issues - emotionally and/or financially?

Cheers

Sheila

Your kids will be living their own lives before too long - if he's a lovely man, and there are no problems, then go for it!:beer:

I gave up money when I married DH, (it cost us both, financially) but I've gained more than I could have ever lost.

Good luck.

Lin

BitterAndTwisted

I dunno, if I were in the OP's situation with a new partner only recently met I'd be thinking of continuing to live separately until I was absolutely certain the relationship was a long-term commitment on both sides. I'd be thinking in terms of years rather than weeks before I'd even consider giving up a home and moving my kids

Marcheline

I agree with oldernotwiser: until I was married to this man, I would not risk mine and my children's security by buying anywhere with him. I'm 24 and have a young daughter with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to put my savings into a house with him unless we are married, so we currently live with his parents.