Will I Be Ok

cazziebo

Yes I've been there. At the time I believed my life was over. I also wasted a good 18 months hoping he would change his mind. Am I ok? I'm much better than ok. I've had control of my own life, done lots of things I wouldn't have done otherwise. I can still remember the pain I felt at that time, but looking back, I know it was the right thing to happen,

I am so sorry about you losing your mum. You have so much to deal with right now, that you must invest some time in looking after yourself and having time to heal. I agree with others that there is no reason for you to hang on. For that healing process to start, you have to move out and move on.

You are worth so much more than this. You sound such a strong person (far stronger than I was !) that of course, you will get through this. He only makes you feel worthless because you let him. All you've done wrong is be loyal to the wrong person. From your post, it's hard to see where his "selfworth" is.

It will be hard just now because you will be so raw, but look on this as an opportunity to reclaim your life and live it the way you want to. You are so young, lots of life to live. You deserve better than "plodding" - and deserve far more than being in a bad relationship.

you go for it, girl! Good luck

xx

BitterAndTwisted

Will you be OK? OF COURSE YOU WILL!

You admit you've been plodding along for a long time and this must have taken huge reserves of self-sacrifice and patience so, just imagine what those reserves will do for you once you've only got yourself and your own well-being to worry about.

I also recommend that you consider moving out well before Christmas as staying cannot be of any benefit to you and your peace of mind. The sooner you start to put yourself first, the sooner you will come to terms with your sad bereavement and move forward with your life. It's an exciting time ahead for you. A new start in your own home! There's no end to the exciting possibilities, really.

Good luck!

sarymclary

lifechange - I have been in the same position as you. I had to endure living in the same house as my ex, as I was a SAHM, long after our relationship had broken down beyond repair. If I was honest with myself back then, I'd stuck with it to keep up appearances, and to try to keep the family unit intact for a good 2 years longer than I should have. My ex would have been happy for me to have continued to plod along, but the cost to my self-esteem, confidence and mental health would have been too great a cost.

It was a case of neither one of us talking about the 'elephant in the room'. It was obvious the relationship had run its course, but neither one of us wanted to knock the first nail in the coffin. Eventually, I had to summon up the courage to do it. I had no idea what the future held for me, or our children. I wasn't in a position to be able to easily work, with the prospect of enormous childcare costs, but I did find some p/t work to fit in around them. I hadn't worked for 10 years at this point, so it was a huge achievement for me.

I took a long, hard look in the mirror. I'd turned into a frumpy, middle-aged woman, hidden under baggy clothes, taking one trip to the hairdresser a year, and putting everyone and everything before myself. Underneath that frumpy facade however, I was still a vibrant, fun-loving woman, it's just that my life hadn't been very fun-filled or vibrant in recent years, as I'd been the sustainer and maintainer, the supporter and backbone of an extended family and friends. I had never asked any myself.

I had to take a deep breath, and decide to make some changes. With very limited finances I bought a new 'capsule wardrobe', got my hair cut, and made more effort with my appearance. I did this for me, not anyone else, and it was liberating. I felt as if I was evolving week by week, and making these subtle physical changes, definitely helped with strengthening my mental wellbeing.

What changes need to take place at your mother's house in order to make it habitable for you? Is it major renovation and building work, or redecoration? If it's redecoration only, then focus your energies there, and get to work on the main rooms you will use, ie. lounge, bedroom 1, kitchen. I agree with previous posters here that moving in there ASAP will benefit you no end. You need to physically draw a line under this relationship, and literally 'move on'.

I agree with you that the prospect of maintaining a 'friends' pretence is likely to be beyond the realms of possibility. At least you are honest enough to admit that. His cannabis habit sounds to be out of keeping with your own preferences in life, and if that is a social habit that your own friends and family do not indulge in, and you find uncomfortable, then let him lead his life his way, but don't think you have to be a willing party to it. With no children to tie you to this person, you have a perfect opportunity to walk away, and cut all ties. After all these years of plodding along, you have probably overspent on the friends phase anyway.

Be reassured that life does go on, and will improve. See this as a new opportunity to rediscover yourself. What have you stopped doing over the years that you once liked to do, that perhaps he didn't like or enjoy? For me it was listening to my kind of music, eating foods he didn't like, not having to watch TV programmes he insisted we watched, reading books uninterrupted, not having to listen to him whingeing about his work colleagues and the commute home each day, never having to listen to Radio 5 Live sport again, etc. Indulge yourself in little easily achieved treats. Be kind to yourself. If you want to eat banana sandwiches each night for a week then you can. Feel liberated!

Do not see this as 'the end', but as a 'new beginning'. This can be a wonderful, exciting new chapter in your life. I had been convinced by my ex that I was 'sloppy seconds', that after having 4 babies noone would want to bother with me, or find me attractive again, and that the best years of my life were well behind me, and I'd have a long, lonely life ahead of me. Well, let me tell you, he was very, very wrong. Once I'd blossomed again I was astounded to find I was quite obviously very attractive to the opposite sex. That was both scary and flattering, but I tentatively had a few dates, and was surprised to find that I was appreciated for both my looks and my mind. What I didn't want was to go quickly into another serious, committed relationship, but to have something more slow-paced, so I did have to fend of a couple of guys who were too serious too soon (marriage proposals!), until I found the right person, who I am still with now, 7 years later. The time I spent alone wasn't miserable, but taught me to have self-worth, and to appreciate what I had learned over the previous years, how I wanted things to be different in the future, and to be happy just being me. That for me was the biggest gift coming out of a long relationship gave me.

You are still very young, and have the best years of your life yet to come. Enjoy them, and grab the opportunity to have it with both hands.

Mely

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You've spent half your life with this waste of space; don't waste a second more in looking backwards.

I agree that you'd be far better to move now; unless you're having the new house gutted, the inconvenience involved will be vastly outweighed by avoiding the current situation.

Your new life is going to be so much better than your old one - start it now!

Spot on! :T
Op take the first step now and move out. Hes not worth wasting anymore time on. Its time to start your new,happier life.
Good luck, Mel xxXxx

lifechange

Thanks for all your positive replies - deep down I think I will be ok eventually and taking this step is so scary as he's all I have known since I was 17. It's just so raw at the moment and his (newly developed) cocky attitude is really getting to me.

I know it shouldn't be an issue but I am also worried what others may think - I really did think things would turn out ok in the end and feel foolish at finally admitting defeat. When your self esteem has been eroded as much as mine has it is really difficult to give up what you have always known.

In terms of mums house - it is having a new kitchen and bathroom and some structural changes so moving in at the moment is not really an option unfortunately - however I am having a meeting with my builder tommorow so am going to get him to prioritise the work in a way that means I can leave sooner rather than later. - I think the advice about getting out asap is sensible and I'm just kidding myself that a few extra weeks will make hime change his mind and we can go on as before.

In regards to finance - the house is in his name and although I have made significant contributions to the household running costs (including food bills, council tax, ground rent and various other bills) I really dont think I have a leg to stand on in gaining anything financially from him - my sister has pursuaded me to see a solicitor to discuss this and we are going on Wednesday.

I am trying my best to think of the positives - I have a secure(ish) job and amazingly supportive family and moving will mean a fresh start.

Thanks again for responding to my post.

Souk08

Yes you will be okay. It will take time but it will happen. You obviously have a fab sister and a house to move to in the near future. And why would you ever 'plod' when you can have a great new life? I'm confused. I've never been in a long term relationship as I prefer things to be casual and fun. The only relationship I did have lasted 1 year and as soon as it got a bit crap and he started criticising me and everything I did i ended it, which was tough but hey you live. You have a fab future ahead of you. Now get out there and live it. And the best of luck to you. X

Rockporkchop

Yes you will definitely be OK. First of all, I am really sorry for the loss of your mum, I know how difficult it is.

You don't realise it yet but this piece of work has done you a massive favour. He has released you from a life of drudgery, plodding on and settling for second best. You will now be able to realise your potential, meet the man of your dreams, have his children if you want to and have a wonderful life. It will be difficult at first as you have spent such a long time together, so take care of yourself and lean on your support. But you are a mere pup of 35! You can and will get through this and you really are better off without him.

Best of luck to you.

fantasia322

I'd rather be on my own learning to live and love myself than stuck in a plodding relationship.
You will be ok. I certainly was
At 38 my husband went off with his best mates 21 year old GF and left me and 5 kids between 15 and 4 to just get on with it. I survived to tell the tale.
I ended a 5 year relationship after that which was going nowhere.
I've been with my now partner for 2 years and we just got engaged. Love of my life and the best thing that happened to me, but if it hadnt been for the time I spent on my own learning to love myself and that I didnt have to accept 2nd best, I wouldnt have what I have now. You have to learn you are worth more, and deserve only the very best.
I'm 50 as well, so its never too late. Take some time out for yourself, not saying it will be easy. Much better though than being in a relationship with someone ujst for the sake of it. Be happy alone for a while is better than being with someone that is making you miserable.
Good luck and sending you hugs xx
p.s. at 35 honey, you are just out of the egg. You got your whole life so go live it

Errata

Can anyone out there who has come out of a long term relationship assure me that I will be ok at some point in the future as it all feels so hopeless at the moment.......

You'll be fine. Vast numbers of women are divorcing their husbands after 20 and 30 years of marriage because they want to live a life not just plod along.

giggletastic

My first ever post is going to be to tell you you'll be better than ok - cliched as it seems, you'll find you, and it'll be brilliant.

Guaranteed
x