Will I Be Ok

lifechange

About a month ago my partner of 17 years decided that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. If I am totally honest with myself this has been coming for a long long time as the relationship has been crap for years but I have been plodding on hoping for things to change.

His timing was not great coming three months after the (sudden) death of my mother which I think makes it even worse as I haven't really started to deal with this yet.

I am intending to move into my mothers old house but as it needs quite a lot of refurbishment we have agreed that I will move when this is completed (hopefully just after Xmas).

As you can imagine the atmosphere at home now is terrible - he is being unbearable and saying things like "what if I get lucky and you are here". I have also found out that he has been hiding a cannabis habit for the past four years which I had absolutely no idea about and it makes me wonder what else he has been hiding...........

My emotions are all over the place - he has suceeded in making me feel worthless and totally eroded my self esteem and self worth. At times I feel ok about making the new start at mums old house (its not just for sentimental reasons I'm moving there - it makes financial sense, is closer to work and more importantly is near my sister's house and she is being my rock at the moment) but I also feel scared about what the future will bring - I feel that as I am 35 life has passed me by.

We have not got children so it will be a clean break - I don't think I could do the friends bit and it would hurt me so much to know that he was with someone else.

There is also a part of me hoping he will change his mind and we can plod on as before.

Sorry for the rambling on in this post i just had to get it out of my system.

Can anyone out there who has come out of a long term relationship assure me that I will be ok at some point in the future as it all feels so hopeless at the moment.......

mountainofdebt

I have to admit I've never been in your situation but I know a couple of people who have and there is life after a split.

I'm not saying it has been easy for them but they have come through it.

To be honest, if I were you I would really consider moving before Christmas, if the house is habitable - I can't imagine the atmosphere is helping you deal with your emotions.

I've had a pretty carp year myself and as I said to someone, I will be glad when the clock strikes midnight on 31st December. In the meantime I've hit rock bottom now the only way is up - and I have to keep remembering that.

Oldernotwiser

You've spent half your life with this waste of space; don't waste a second more in looking backwards.

I agree that you'd be far better to move now; unless you're having the new house gutted, the inconvenience involved will be vastly outweighed by avoiding the current situation.

Your new life is going to be so much better than your old one - start it now!

ClumsyHaze

I was/am in this situation .. the same happened to me although it became apparent very soon after that he had in fact found someone else.

To be honest, I've found it liberating to be 'coping on my own' and also hate the idea of going back to 'plodding along' - I deserve better than that.

tsstss7

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You've spent half your life with this waste of space; don't waste a second more in looking backwards.

I agree that you'd be far better to move now; unless you're having the new house gutted, the inconvenience involved will be vastly outweighed by avoiding the current situation.

Your new life is going to be so much better than your old one - start it now!

Absolutely agree with onw here he is not worth shedding tears over.

Get out as soon as you are able and make sure he doesn't screw you on the division of assets.

ceridwen

Another voice in favour of moving out as soon as possible - and certainly before Christmas.

Basically it boils down to a choice between:
- being there whilst the builders are getting on with the work (and all the attendant dirt and hassle)

OR
- putting up with the "atmosphere" at ex OH's home (which will probably be a lot worse over Christmas period)

Also - there is the practical point of the builders will make less "mess-ups" whilst you are there in residence able to spot their mistakes promptly. I'm certainly well aware just how much lower a standard the work on my house would have been done to if I hadnt been here able to spot quickly what they had just done before they had a chance to cover it up and finish the job (and hope I never realised).

I have to say that I think there is a good chance he might well embarrass/hurt you by bringing another woman back whilst you're there. I think it would be best to be gone before he does that.

As you say - if he's been hiding a cannabis habit for 4 years - there is also the point of what else has he been hiding? Straight off - he could have another woman already and will no longer bother hiding her - in which case she could be visiting very soon...

Personally too - I would want my possessions safely elsewhere under (my) lock and key.

As to "division of assets" - I'm guessing that its his house anyway - in which case I think its a racing certainty that he will soon start living in it as if he is the only one there (including the other women). You havent mentioned whether you put anything towards the deposit or mortgage payments on the house - so we have no idea whether its a jointly-owned house. But I definitely think that if its his house only - then he will make a positive point of very soon now treating it as his only and making you feel pretty darn unwelcome - and it would be wise to get out now before he starts devising ways of "making his point" on that.

It puts a different complexion on things if you do have some ownership of the house on the other hand.

Can I ask specifically - have you put any money in towards the deposit and/or mortgage repayments? - as we will be able to judge his likely attitude better from knowing that.

I think the thing is to just ask yourself:
- "If I were sole houseowner and my ex was still living in my home what would I do?" and you can see that a lot of people would instantly start treating their home as their own only and living accordingly. I dont know what sort of terms you are both on - but if its bad terms - then that would mean he might start treating you the way he would treat an "unwanted lodger" and it would be much better not to find out what that might mean

on the other hand:
- "If I were him and we both owned the house what would I do?" and he will act differently towards you staying in the house if that is the case.

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On a different note too - you have a HUGE asset there in that sister you mention as being a "rock" to you. I presume you are both children of the same mother and father - not half-sisters or summat. i dont know what sort of assets your mother has left in her Will - but I'm presuming your mother owned little more than the house - in which case your sister is being a positive gold-rated Star towards you. She has also lost her mother too and will be feeling upset herself AND if you are living in Mum's house then it may be that Sister would have to wait some time to get her half of the estate (dont know about that - as possibly there is enough money in the estate to allow for Sister having half anyway without the house having to be sold for her to do so)? Again - we have no idea what your mother left - sorry to be so "pragmatic". But just pointing out how much of a "Gold Star" your sister is being and a huge "benefit" in your life.

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Another point - one of the first things that struck me - is the way this has happened at this point in your life - "3 months" after your Mum passed on - ie not before she did so or immediately after she did so or loadsatime after the event. Ex OH has decided this is very good timing to do so now - when he knows you have another house to move to. That being the case - I think he is actually being quite "compassionate" there - as he may well have decided that he would like you to move out some time ago and is only saying so now that he sees his decision to break up wont cause you to be "homeless". So he has been taking into account your feelings in that respect and it sounds like he didnt want you to be left without a roof over your head - so he has thought of your welfare there to do that.

mumslave

why on earth do you want to keep plodding on? The very least you deserve is a relationship that makes you feel you are actually wanted and valued. It must be scary to contemplate going it alone but i would try to count your blessings, your partner has done you a favour, left you with a life to live (thirty five is NOT old by any means), no children to tie you to him, a fresh start where the world really is your oyster. Once everything has got sorted out, which it will, you will in time, look back on this, and thank your partner for setting you free. As for him, I have a partner with this habit, and as much as I love him because despite it, he is a very good man, the habit will ALWAYS come first, after 17 years, you deserve to come first. Get yourself out, before xmas if you can, see xmas and new year as a real time to celebrate, i know you have just lost your mum, but if i was your mum, i would be so pleased to know you now have a chance to really live life, not plod on until its over. I am sure she wouldnt want you sad.

Pssst

Look on the bright side.
You have a home to go to which is yours..presumably willed to you?

Its all very well for relationships to come to a natural end but to say things like "what if i get lucky and your still here" is just wrong and hurtful.

I'd say to you,look to a better and brighter future and make it happen ASAP.
Get this useless pot head out of your life girl.

Susan_Frost

Hey, what's to say you may be the one to GET LUCKY. Who the hell does he think he is.

I'm sorry you have lost your mum, even more difficult to deal with when other things are going on for you. Chin up. It will work through eventually, just take it at your own pace.

I agree with the above. Move into mum's house. Must have been habitable enough for dear old mum to live there, so, move in. You have no kids, so it does not matter if you are camping out a bit. As long as you have one room clean and useable to live and sleep in for a while. It will also be easier for you to do your own bit of refurb (decorating, etc.) when in the place instead of having to go round all the time.

I'm sure sis will let you use her bathroom for the few days yours may be out of action if you are having it changed out. Same with the kitchen. You only need a microwave and a kettle in the corner of one room for a few days.

Let the loser go.

You have a good sister, presumably some friends. When you feel ready (re mum) get yourself out visiting and socialising. Not necessarily clubbing, etc. but just keeping in touch. Little and often phone calls to friends, the odd drink, the odd meal out, go round to their's, ask them round to your's (dont worry about the state of the house, it is being renovated for goodness sake).

It is hard when a long term relationship ends, it leaves a gap which you need to fill with other things for a while. Start to pick up what should be your life again.

Good luck

creased-leach

You are only 35. (I'm 36, so 35 isn't that dim a memory)

You'll soon have a job, your own house, and be single.

Why tolerate "plodding" along in your life? Get out and live it.

Good luck

FROSTYFRECKLE

I would get out before long before Christmas. Your new home only needs one "safe" room - no bare electrical wires, safe floor boards etc. You need a functioning bathroom - doesn't need to be tiled and finished just running water and a flushing loo. Do you have friends/family you can call upon to give a final push to get the minimum done and you safe and sound in your new home away from your useless ex.