Worried about 13 yr old daughter

Lunar_Eclipse

part-timer wrote: »

Thanks for the reply I will have a look at the website. The school has a PC attached to them and they are aware of this woman.

I am making the school out to be really bad, in fact it is an excellent school and they are aware of a small amount of drugs being passed around in school but have very little power to do anything about it, hence the PC attached to the school.

They have a PC attached to the school and feel the need to carry out drug searches. How can the school possibly be excellent? An excellent school fully engages all its students and does not have these issues, regardless of how good the teaching, results or value added scores etc are.

baxterdo

Big hug. What a horrible situation. Hopefully she is just trying to push the boundaries and is just experimenting and hopefully going to put it all behind her. It must be hard especialy if she is chosing to befriend this girl.

I guess I'd try to find out why she has made friends with such an unsavoury charachter. I went off the rails a bit when I was 16 and like your daughter was always very well behaved. I think I was trying to find my identity and i wanted to be more exciting and I wasn't happy being this boring person that I thought I was. I wasn't happy being a swot ( my friends used to rib me a bit for it) and more importantly I wanted a boyfriend and I thought being a rebel was the way to get one. The boyfriend I eventually got was obviously unsavoury and so that led me into more trouble but I didn't care because everyone thought I was cool.
However my parents have always taught me right from wrong and warned me about making dangerous choices. Eventually I realised what a prat he was and dumped him. After I got rid of him I settled back down again and became much more comforatble with myself again. Like my parents you've raised a sensible girl and so inside she still is a sensible girl. She is probably going through that inner turmoil that most go through and she probably come out he otherside just fine like I did plus my two brothers who rebelled worse than i did. The involvement of the police may be enough to stop her, it would have worked for me.

I think you've done the right thing. You've shown her that you are not happy with her behaviour. You've imposed boundaries and that is right. She needs to know she is not going to get away with blue murder. Remember all teenagers are always right so she may not admit to seeing your point of view even if she does really.

Now she knows your unhappy she also needs to know you care. So that's usually when bonding time is needed. Most kids won't open up if they are in the middle of an argument or if they think what they going to reveal is going to get them into further trouble. When things have calmed down maybe get a dvd and a takeway. Have a chat with her. Maybe share some stories when you or your siblings got into trouble, add a bit of humour and she may open up. I know my son is much more receptive to my advice when I'm not trying to ram it down his throat.I know easier said than done! Let her know how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. She may not open up straight away but after a few weeks of extra nurture she may just soften.

Years a go I studied a course relating to drug abuse through a place called YAP. If they are still around they will be able to give you and your daughter advice. Don't forget there is that helpline called FRANK too.

What you've got to remember is we are all human and we can only do our best so don't go beating yourself up over the mistakes you think you have made. That won't change anything and will just make you more upset.

Good luck. Let us know how everything goes.

Marcheline

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

They have a PC attached to the school and feel the need to carry out drug searches.

I agree with you on that bit Lunar Eclipse, although I was at a very good private school and drugs were an issue there too (with older girls). I don't think any school is immune from these problems.

Lunar_Eclipse

the_cat wrote: »

The very last thing she will want is a change of school. This gives you power.

1.Remove absolutely all access to cash. Send her with packed lunches if school do not operate a card system. Strip her of any cash in her room. Lock your own upand of any siblings Keep a count of what you have. The kids are not likely to be 'passing' dope/drugs around. They are selling them.
2. Remove all privileges. Everything that has a value to her. She has to earn their use with good behaviour week by week
3. Set clear boundaries and consequenses for breaking them. I would def ban her from associating with the girl who has dragged her down into this mess. Difficult to police I know but I would want to try. I would personally say to her that if she breaks this rule, she will be changing schools whether she likes it or not
4. What are the school intending to do to ensure that she remains on site. what safeguards are they putting in place. They are responsible for her during school time and her bunking off and using drugs is as much their responsibility as yours
5. Give her a time limit to sort herself out. If she isn't behaving acceptably by then, change her school

FINALLY try not to be too hard on yourself. You are not a bad parent. She has got into the wrong crowd and succummed to peer pressure.This is not a reflection on your parenting skills, just her immaturity. You are working hard to fix this, which is all a parent can do

If you do this, please make it absolutely clear to her why you are doing it. For example, telling her you are removing all her access to cash so she can't buy drugs is not telling her why you want her to stop buying drugs! Your reasoning is very important.

She needs to understand how this is in her best interests, otherwise it could make matters a lot worse. Just to be clear, I am not saying don't take this approach, but if it isn't clearly explained, it will be only be seen as punishment that is not helping her with her problem/s, whatever they are.

You need to get to the bottom of the issue. Usually this is what is making them so unhappy, but I accept that sometimes this "just happens".

Lunar_Eclipse

Marcheline wrote: »

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

They have a PC attached to the school and feel the need to carry out drug searches.

I agree with you on that bit Lunar Eclipse, although I was at a very good private school and drugs were an issue there too (with older girls). I don't think any school is immune from these problems.

I know what you mean and maybe I was unrealistic, but Police intervention usually means the problem is really bad. I heard recently that Eton pay the Police off to avoid pupil prosecutions!

part-timer

Thanks for all the replies, I am trying to stay calm and will discuss with my OH what action/approach we are going to take when he gets home from work.

I know that deep down in side my lovely daughter is still there. I know she has been unhappy at school recently as they have just introduced GCSEs in year 9 now instead of year 10 and she really feels under pressure. We have been to the school to discuss this with them hence her changing all of her subjects .

She has always lacked self-confidence and self belief despite the fact that she is a really beautiful and clever girl. We have always encouraged her and told her that we don't care what results she gets at school as long as she has tried her best and that if she is feeling down or has any problems, no matter what they are that she should talk to us about them, yes we might initially be angry if it is something bad, but we love her and would do all we could to either help her solve them or deal with them.

She has clearly been unhappy for some time, initially we put this down to puberty and being a teenager but there is obviously something which runs deep here which she just won't tell us about. I have tried the one to one, big hugs tell me all about it chats, just girls days but she just won't open up.

I have taken her to the GP just to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with her but he didn't really seem to know what to do.

The school have said when she initially started to show signs of being unhappy that they would make an appointment for her to see the connexions advisor (counselling I think) but there is a 3 month wait for this.

i just feel such despair that she is going through this and being exposed to drugs at 13. Part of me just wants to keep her with us, away from outside influences, I always thought that she had enough common sense not to get involved with these kinds of people.

fernliebee

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

They have a PC attached to the school and feel the need to carry out drug searches. How can the school possibly be excellent? An excellent school fully engages all its students and does not have these issues, regardless of how good the teaching, results or value added scores etc are.

I'm sorry, whilst I 100% agree with your previous post, I'm afraid it is naive to think that there is a school in the country that does not have a drug problem of some kind. Some teens will always want to experiment, and therefore school do attract a certain amount of it. I agree that there are definitely varying agrees of it, but I think the school sound responsible in that they have recognised it could be a problem and are working closely with the police to come to a solution.

I'm not picking at you at all, as I think you have given some very wise advice

Lunar_Eclipse

fernliebee wrote: »

I'm afraid it is naive to think that there is a school in the country that does not have a drug problem of some kind.

Not one single school; that's just scare mongering! I take your point, however teenagers experimenting with drugs is completely different to schools having a drug issue of some kind.

Have teenagers completely lost their minds and creativity these days? Most children, teenagers included, have a life outside of school and it wasn't that long ago that the intelligent amongst us learnt what should be experimented outside school hours and off educational premises.

Errata

OP - you might find it helpful to talk to your local Substance Misuse Team, there's one in every district - just google to find yours.
They're sadly very used to young and not so young teenagers taking drugs, very experienced and knowledgeable and will give you and your daughter support and help to deal with her drug taking.

Molly41

Hi,
I had a very similar situation with my DD. Started around 13/14. She is a very bright girl but she was being very badly bullied which took a long time to find out. She was truanting and all sorts in a bid to run away from her problems at school. Your daughter is very vulnerable and people pick up on that hence falling in the wrong crowd. bad sort will befriend and if she doesnt have close friends or is a bit of loaner then she will jump at the chance of "friendship". My daughter also started to struggle with her GCSE and it turned out she had really severe dyslexia. I was informed that its not unusual to show up late in very bright kids because they can compensate for so long.

Now is not the time to be strict with her...now is the time to understand her circumstances and be loving parents. You need to rebuild the trust but she has to be able to trust you and not be frightened. I agree she needs boundaries but they need to be negotiated. Im coming out the other side with my girl but it didnt happen overnight and we still have moments. Kindness and compassion not punishment. Her beligerance is an act - believe me ive seen it in bucketfulls. You need support too.
Molly