Worried about 13 yr old daughter

part-timer

I am after any constructive advice on how to deal with the situation we are in with my daughter, bit of a long story but bear with me.

She is a very pretty, bright girl, who up until now has never been in trouble or been a problem.

Since she went back to school in September she is always getting into trouble for very silly things, so much so that we were called into the school last week to discuss her behaviour.

On a couple of occasions in the morning she has point blank refused to go to school and it has taken me several hours to persuade her to go. The upshot of this was that she said that she really didn't like the GCSEs she had chosen and wanted to change them.

We made an appointment at the school and she changed all of her options to different ones. Problem solved we thought but her behaviour has continued to deteriorate.

All this has culminated in me getting a phone call from school this morning saying that they had had a phone call from a very young lad saying that she wouldn't be in as she was sick, as this was a bit suspicious they rang me to check.

As I had dropped her off at school at 8:15 and watched her walk into school I was a little shocked - she has never done anything like this before.

The school did some digging around and talked to her friends and discovered that she had bunked off last lesson yesterday but had only just realised and her friends said she had been planning to do this today as well and was round the house of an adult known by the school to let in youngsters during the day to drink and smoke.

Cutting a long story short, the school called the police and they got her out of the house she was at. She was clearly off her head on dope (how trusting am I, I thought the smell was purfume!) she was searched by the Police but they didn't find anything.

The school and the Police have told me that they girl she was with in this house is known to them for drugs and other stuff and is a really bad lot and that she needs to keep away from her and her friends.

I am at my wits end, I don't know how to deal with her or the situation. She is completely unrepentent and beligerant.

I am sitting here crying trying to work out what to do, where did I go wrong as a parent. We have always been fairly strict, we have to know where she is and who she is with, she is not allowed out late etc.

How do we get her to see that she is at a crossroads now - if she chooses the right path all ahead is rosy but if she choses the wrong path she could potentially wreck her future.

I have taken her phone and her laptop off her and grounded her and also told her she can forget any celebrations for her 14th birthday on Sunday.

Marcheline

Wow, that's rough for you. This site might help http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/13_21/13_21.asp If she was a bit older, I would say that drug use/bunking off is often just a temporary part of growing up, but not at 13.

I would also be asking the Police and the school what they intend to do about this woman whose house the kids are going into. The school has shocked me there, the fact that they know about the woman, but seem not to have a strategy for dealing with her.

Surely she should be given an ASBO or somthing? I wouldn't let that lie til I got some answers about what they intend to do about someone peddling drugs to schoolkids!

part-timer

Thanks for the reply I will have a look at the website. The school has a PC attached to them and they are aware of this woman. They are in the process of gathering more informaton and intend to seek an eviciton order and an ASBO but need to gather more evidence they told me she already has a behaviour contract (not sure what that is).

I am making the school out to be really bad, in fact it is an excellent school and they are aware of a small amount of drugs being passed around in school but have very little power to do anything about it, hence the PC attached to the school.

They did carry out a search of all year 9, 10 and 11s last week but they are only allowed to ask them to turn out their pockets and bags, they aren't allowed to insist or touch them. Only the Police can do this. Unfortunately the kids know this and just refuse!

Emmzi

I would move house and schools, seriously.

part-timer

I have been thinking about moving schools but worry that if she is seeking out this kind of group in school will she not just do it in another school.

The school are trying to help but without her co-operation it is very hard.

Marcheline

I understand what you're saying about the school, but your daughter has now been caught up in it, at an early age. I know at my school two girls in my sister's year were found to have drugs on them (a small amount of cannabis) and they were expelled that same day.

If it was my daughter, I would write to the Chair of Governors and the Head and ask how they plan to combat the problem effectively. A bit of pressure might speed them up a bit. This site may also be of some use http://www.talkingaboutcannabis.com/index.html Your daughter may be interested to read of other people's experiences of a so-called soft drug.

With regard to your daughter, what are her friends like generally? Maybe you could try steering her into some extracurricular activities to get her mixing with a different crowd? I would also not be giving her money, in case she spent it on undesirable things.

BitterAndTwisted

I suspect your daughter is having more difficulties with her schoolwork than you are aware of and this is at the root of why she is not going. That she's got in with what sounds like horribly bad crowd is an unhappy coincidence as any other kids who are happy at school and doing their best wouldn't be interested in accompanying your daughter in her truanting. This is where I'd be focusing my attention on but I'd be as cross as anything in your situation, and frightened for the future, too.

All and any privileges have to be earned and that will mean attending school and doing her best without fail.

DKLS

part-timer wrote: »

They did carry out a search of all year 9, 10 and 11s last week but they are only allowed to ask them to turn out their pockets and bags, they aren't allowed to insist or touch them. Only the Police can do this. Unfortunately the kids know this and just refuse!

Easy solution to that, they just need to bring in a police sniffer dog during assembly. That will soon identify the culprits.

Lunar_Eclipse

part-timer wrote: »

She is completely unrepentent and beligerant.

We have always been fairly strict, we have to know where she is and who she is with, she is not allowed out late etc.

How do we get her to see that she is at a crossroads now - if she chooses the right path all ahead is rosy but if she choses the wrong path she could potentially wreck her future.

Sorry you are having a hard time. If it's any consolation, your daughter is having a harder one!

These are the key bits to me. I doubt she is really unrepentent, but it is telling that she won't admit error to you. It suggests rebellion and very strict parenting (to me), but only you will know whether that is the case or not.

Either way, you need to talk and strengthen the communication lines between you IMO. It sounds like pure 'attention seeking behaviour', which is often 'I hate my life at the moment' behaviour. The Head of our senior school says the best place to do this with teenagers is in the car, so that you can (naturally) avoid all eye contact. However, I suspect a walk in local countryside might be safer on this occasion.

Discuss what is going on, how much she is enjoying school (not much I would guess), friends, her happiness level etc. Maybe one thing has triggered this; bullying, boredom? Stay calm and listen well. She doesn't sound that happy and all anyone really wants is to be accepted, loved and happy. Especially at 13!

I think it's ok to let her know you're very disappointed, but coming down on her like a ton of bricks will only make the distance between you greater IMO and harder in the long run. It adds fuel to the fire, although I know many people like the alternative punitive and unloving/rejecting approach, which is usually the opposite of what the person actually needs. So my advice is to let her know you will always love her and can help her on this journey - HER journey. Discuss the crossroads and consequences of each. I already tell my 9 year old daughter it's her life and she is the one who will live with all her choices. A chat with a local Police Officer might help, at the Police station. Worked for someone else I read about.

Try to remember that she is the same girl underneath this recent behaviour. And listen to your heart. At least ahead of your head and negative social pressures.

the_cat

The very last thing she will want is a change of school. This gives you power.

1.Remove absolutely all access to cash. Send her with packed lunches if school do not operate a card system. Strip her of any cash in her room. Lock your own upand of any siblings Keep a count of what you have. The kids are not likely to be 'passing' dope/drugs around. They are selling them.
2. Remove all privileges. Everything that has a value to her. She has to earn their use with good behaviour week by week
3. Set clear boundaries and consequenses for breaking them. I would def ban her from associating with the girl who has dragged her down into this mess. Difficult to police I know but I would want to try. I would personally say to her that if she breaks this rule, she will be changing schools whether she likes it or not
4. What are the school intending to do to ensure that she remains on site. what safeguards are they putting in place. They are responsible for her during school time and her bunking off and using drugs is as much their responsibility as yours
5. Give her a time limit to sort herself out. If she isn't behaving acceptably by then, change her school

FINALLY try not to be too hard on yourself. You are not a bad parent. She has got into the wrong crowd and succummed to peer pressure.This is not a reflection on your parenting skills, just her immaturity. You are working hard to fix this, which is all a parent can do

Emmzi

I would be worried about how she would pay if she didn't have cash, especially with girls. what grown adult lures in 13 year olds?

change school. clean start. do it before she needs to get serious about exams.