I want to cancel my Power of Attorney and change it.

SuzanneB_2

I spent so long last night trying to describe the whole story but OMG it made me want to curl up in a corner and cry, again.

So I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My Bro lives in Australia and is well known for his lack of contact. We can go for years not hearing off him. My Sis lives hundreds of miles away so the obvious choice was me to be named on the POA as I am the one who basically has been dealing with this on my own, ALTHOUGH!!! my husband and my Mums ex partner have been amazing and have done more together than I ever have done. So we had been discussing it well before the doccuments were drawn up then of course they had the time whilst it's being processed to speak up and of course before the POA is granted they have 6 weeks to object. Nothing, nada not a word.

Then my Brother finally flies and as a classic example of him he buys himself a £38,000 car, goes to London, visits his girlfriends family and then see's our Sister and then and only then phones to let me and his Dad know he's here and when he should be arriving. That just about sums up my Brother. So he turns up and it's all nicey nicey for 5 mins and then he starts to go on about the legal implications and I'll be breaking the law if I did this or that and he has this form that I can sign which will allow him to see whats happening and on and on. As I was showing him the front door he was positively hissing in my face about solicitors letters, misapropriation of money and "no more £50 gifts".

That last bit about the £50 let me know that him and my Sis have been sat there like a couple of cacking witched !!!!!ing about me. The £50 was a cheque that I wrote out to my Daughter from her Grandmother as a 16th Birthday gift. I asked a couple of people like Mums ex and my Sis and everyone said just what I thought, "yes your Mum would have wanted that apart from my Sis who said she thought it was a bit too much. But I didn't. So obviously instead of even afterwards saying to me I don't agree and I could have thought about replacing the money she's kept quiet and seethed all this time. But that is what my Sis is like. The other thing which has really put her nose out of joint is she and her family came up to look at some homes and me and Hubby looked at others. Mums SS worker had started to put slight pressure on me to make a decision and as it happens I had found the perfect home. 5 min walk from my home, clean, lovely staff and they had the last room with it's own ensuit so I said yes. Unfortunately the SS got the ball rolling very quickly and Mum was moved in before my Sis was able to come up and put her seal of approval on it and MAN WAS SHE PISHED!!! Although she has now seen the home and agree's it's the best we had seen and perfect she has since then although I have sent her regular updates and chat her emails have been very short and distant. This woman can huff for years. I put it down to her just being busy in a new job now I know the real reason. The funny thing is because I had no idea giving money to Mums Grandchild would have caused so much problems and it was only a couple of weeks ago that I sent my Nephew a check for £40 £20 off me and £20 off his Grandma. I bet his Mum choked when she found that out. Does that seem unreasonable? Mum was always generous to her Granchildren and would have spent a heck of a lot more.

Now lets discuss money because there isn't any money. Mum has a couple of thousand in the bank and her pension and Attendance Allowance and Pension Credits. Now these are still being paid and the AA is comming to me and so is the PC but the Pension is still going into Mums bank account. BUT they have it recorded on their system that I informed them a while ago when Mum move to a care home was permament. They know this and it's a classic case of waiting for them to pull their finger out of their behinds and either stop the payments to me and Mum and start sending them to the carehome. Obviously the money that has been overpaid to me and Mum is still there. Just sitting in our bank accounts waiting for us to be told to make a cheque out for such and such. Her care home fee's are still waiting to be assessed. And again the AA and PC people know this!!!

The money Mum will have is from the sale of her home. Yes of course when the house is sold there will be a tidy sum and it's scary to be in charge of that amount of money but for all this time I have said to my Sis I will send you copies of Mums bank statements so she can see what goes out of it, I will keep records of all the bills and shopping I do for Mum. I've send that so many times but it seems it's not good enough. I've also said that no decisions about where this money is to be kept ie Mums bank or some sort of policy I would make no decision without asking her for her opinion.

Now once the overpaid pension is taken out of Mums bank account there will be little left and there is still a mortage to cover, which is why I can understand their worries about a relatively small amount of £50 but that sort of money is not going to make the slightest difference in the end.

So so far I have kept everyone of the large bills that I have paid for Mum ie electric, waterrates, glasses etc but this has come out of AA NOT Mums bank account. I've not touched a penny in that account. Unfortunately I've not kept the recipts for the cigarettes, clothes etc that I have bought BUT this is AA nothing to do with them at all! Again now she is in a home that money is being set aside because I know that what has been overpaid will proabably be paid by me to Mums care home AND the payments to me will continue except I will make a check out of whats been paid to me and pay it to the CH. I'm just sort of a middle man for it.

Now me and my Brother have made an effort to try to get each others point across. I can understand that he has gotten the wrong end of the stick, I think he thought we had let Mums flat remain as a pigsty and we're taking our time getting stuff sorted. He now seems to have a better understanding of how things have to be done and how slowly somethings take. In fact he had seen Mum and without sounding confrontational he was asking why she didn't have this in her room or that and actually listened to what I had to say (she can't have ornaments in her room because she will just carry them around in her bag till her bag gets so heavy it weighs more than her). BUT he is still insisting that my Sis and he is added onto the POA.

Now it turns out that Bro's girlfriend has a relative who is a barrister who deals with this sort of thing. I wonder how much this stranger in my life has been working behind the scene? and it was made clear to me that if they had the sligtest concern they don't care they will set the dogs on me. Nice. I had them sat in my home smiling at me trying to be nice and explain how it will make my life simpler having other people on the POA form. Errr no!!!

For example. What happens if my Nephew turns 16 and I send a cheque to him for £50 and my Brother goes Nuts and my Sis says thanks. What happens if I decide Mum needs this and the care home have said she could do with something ie a special chair but my Sis and Bro both disagree? I'm piggie in the middle. So the one thing I have come to rapidly realise is that only 1 person can make the decision in the end. Because of course if they had any indication or feeling that I was abusing Mums finances not only they could complain to the Guardianship dept but I have Mums SS worker and the Local Council will be breathing down my neck. I am well aware that a lot of people have an invested interest in what happens to Mums money but are they? My Brother was ranting on just to sell the house for whatever someone offers for it ie £50.000 and I was trying to tell him I couldn't!!! What the Hell would happen if I sold it for less than it's market value I would then have the Accounts dept breathing down my neck as to why I sold it well under value.

Now so far my Brother has had to face my Father who from what I have heard gave him an absolute mouthful, Mums Ex who cannot believe what has happened and now he has to face OUR Uncle who just so happens to be a Solicitor. He has questioned me as to what has happened what I have done what needs to be done and he has assured himself that so far I have done absolutely nothing wrong and I know what needs to be done and Bro and Sis need to keep out of it. If my Uncle comes back and says you may as well sign the document or he says ignore them or what I am hoping is he will say there is a clause that allows me to give up and pass on POA because say of ill health then I will completely wash my hands of it. I will listen to what he says as I trust him.

All this could so have easily have been avoided. Even if during that 6 weeks my Sis had to object she did all it would have taken is a call to me and for her to say "listen I've had second thoughts" or whatever but the fact that I made that decision on which home Mum was going to without her "blessed approval" she has been cold and distant so how am I supposed to be able to deal with her? Out of the 3 of us I am well known for being the most laid back, easy going one with quite a sense of humour. She must have been informed not only off my Brother but my Dad as to how bad it went how bad Bro was and has there in almost 2 weeks been a single call off her to say "God I'm so sorry this isn't what we intended to happen" or "can we get together and chat" not a call or an email nothing!!!

Mum has had the signs of Dementia for 5 years the past 2 years have been awful. Anyone who has had a close relative will understand the amazing stress it is. Towards the end when Mum was in her own home my Husband, who she loves, would go after a long days work to sit with her and make sure she would take her medicine, she wouldn't off anyone else, he also had his own Mother to do work for, the Ex takes Mum out all the time most of Mums shopping at the end was done by all of us, aarrrggghhh I could go on an on but it's been a living nightmare and although I understand that no one can just pack in their job and kids schools and move it's all be us.

It's not the money. We've all come to accept that what is left from Mums home after the mortgage and Care home have taken their cut there will not be much if anything left it's pure and utter guilt. Guilt that they haven't done more but laying all this !!!! on me is not going to do anything to appease their guilt or to make my life easy.

This sounds way too easy but from what I have read if I write Mum a letter saying I don't wish to be POA and then I tear up the form that actually releases me from it. But of course that opens a whole new can of worms. Mums home could end up being reposseded, the care home fee's will keep on growing, the house sold for coppers, people who have been waiting months for details so they can assess Mums contributions will have to be told to go wistle I mean it could become so messy it's not funny but then it's got nothing to do with me anymore. Then My Sis and Bro would have to go through the courts to gain POA as Mums dementia is too pronounced for her to be able to agree to it. So that would take another year and thousands of pounds and do you know what I don't care. I want to wash my hand and just pay my visits to Mum knowing that she is safe and leave them to deal with it all.

I am actually a very positive person. As we all know the older you are the more of lifes crap you have to face. There has been some very tough times in my life but my ability to be able to find humour even at the blackest times or being able to see some light at end but for the first time ever I feel so depressed. Thing were going so smoothly and the end of the paperwork and stuff was in sight and this spanner was thrown into the works and I've had it. I seem to be unable to stop the tears. I'm thinking of going to go to the Doctors for some Vallium. My Dad, Mums Ex, Uncle and Hubbie all of those who are here with me and have been with me step by step are so supportive but they too don't need this sort of !!!! in their life.

I guess there's not much more advice anyone can give me. We are not an unreasonable family and have usually got on well, although distance has always helped, so if this sort of thing can happen to us it's a lesson to others to get it sorted and everyone understands what needs to be done before the documents are signed, sealed and delivered!

Suzanne.

SuzanneB_2

HA! aren't you glad I did the shortened version?

Mojisola

I really feel for you but please don't let your siblings get control over your mother! You've got support from good people around you. Try to shut out your sister and brother. Keep detailed records of everything financial. You know you are doing the right thing.

monkeyspanner

It still sounds like your mother made the right choice. Try not to worry what your siblings say because as long as you stick to the rules it is nothing to do with them.

Biggles

SuzanneB wrote: »

HA! aren't you glad I did the shortened version?

Actually, I could have done with the really abbreviated version, I tend to lose the will to live reading such long posts :-(

However, I've done my best:-

The decision has been made, by your mother, to appoint you as her Attorney. If she had 'mental capacity', she could now change her mind and make out a new PoA, but it sounds as though that is now out of the question. I doubt that they will find it worthwhile applying to become Deputies appointed by the Court, unless you really abuse the privilege, which you certainly don't appear to be doing.

Your job, as Attorney, is to make the most of your mother's money. It's not for others to question your decisions (as they couldn't question hers, and she has appointed you to act on her behalf), though the Office of the Public Guardian could, if appealed to, challenge you if it seemd her affairs had been mismanaged. That does seem very unlikely.

With regard to gifts to your children and other members of your family, there is no problem provided that a) it's the kind of sum your mother used to pay anyway and b) the same gifts are given to your siblings' families.

Edit: We did discuss gifts, and agreed how much would be paid, and to which family members, and for what events. Let's face it, the remainder was going to be our money eventually! Everything was much smoother after that!

margaretclare

What Biggles says is absolutely right. I would add: what on earth would be the point of someone being appointed Attorney if they lived at the other side of the world! The whole point of giving POA to a responsible person is that the person appointed can deal with whatever arises, on the spot. Your bro and sis are NOT on the spot!

£50 for a grandchild....what rubbish. I've often been known to send more than that, especially to my eldest GD who appreciates a little help with e.g. furnishing her flat or paying for driving lessons. £50 is peanuts.

Isn't it amazing, when as you say, !!!! happens - instead of giving support and encouragement, whenever there is a smell of money to be inherited, these folk crawl out of the woodwork and start jumping up and down.

Your mum cannot revoke POA now and appoint someone else - she has not the mental capacity to do so.

grunnie

I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same position but with 2 cousins. I had POA for my aunt. When they turned up to her funeral which I had organised ( they hadn't visited in years) the first thing they asked was when was the reading of her will. They were left the same amount as myself but I made sure they knew that the reason there was any money left was because I had managed her money well.

googler

Biggles wrote: »

The decision has been made, by your mother, to appoint you as her Attorney. If she had 'mental capacity', she could now change her mind and make out a new PoA, but it sounds as though that is now out of the question. I doubt that they will find it worthwhile applying to become Deputies appointed by the Court, unless you really abuse the privilege, which you certainly don't appear to be doing.

Your job, as Attorney, is to make the most of your mother's money. It's not for others to question your decisions (as they couldn't question hers, and she has appointed you to act on her behalf), though the Office of the Public Guardian could, if appealed to, challenge you if it seemd her affairs had been mismanaged. That does seem very unlikely.

Seconded.

If your brother wants to 'see what's going on' with the money, all you have to do is keep records of all the transactions. You don't have to justify anything to him, as long as you're reasonably acting in the best interests of your mother.

If he wants to quibble anything, he has to make a good case to the OPG, rather than bothering you with it. You've got enough to do with handling her affairs. Call his bluff and he'll probably back down from any action.

Doesn't sound like he has much worry in monetary terms anyways - flying from Aus to London, and purchasing a £38k car on arrival.........????!?!?!?!?

Biggles

I used to send quarterly statements of all transactions and balances of bank and investment accounts to my siblings so they could see what the state of play was. This element of involvement seemed to work very well and I recommend it to you.

beaujolais-nouveau

SuzanneB wrote: »

I spent so long last night trying to describe the whole story but OMG it made me want to curl up in a corner and cry, again.

So I will try to keep it as short as possible.

For what it is worth, I think that you have done really well. When my mother had to go into a nursing home, it took about a year out of my life to organise the clearing and sale of her flat, move her to the home, and do all the paperwork to ensure that she received all the State assistance she was entitled to. I also had a lot of trouble with one of my siblings.

SuzanneB wrote: »

My Brother was ranting on just to sell the house for whatever someone offers for it ie £50.000 and I was trying to tell him I couldn't!!! What the Hell would happen if I sold it for less than it's market value I would then have the Accounts dept breathing down my neck as to why I sold it well under value.

This shows that your brother knows nothing. The State won't allow you to sell the house for less than its market value because the money from the sale has to go to pay your mum's care home fees. I hope that your brother wasn't dreaming of telling the State that it was sold for £50, when it was really sold for the market value, and then him pocketing some of the difference.

SuzanneB wrote: »

Now it turns out that Bro's girlfriend has a relative who is a barrister who deals with this sort of thing. I wonder how much this stranger in my life has been working behind the scene? and it was made clear to me that if they had the sligtest concern they don't care they will set the dogs on me.

I doubt that the barrister is being told the whole truth.

SuzanneB wrote: »

This sounds way too easy but from what I have read if I write Mum a letter saying I don't wish to be POA and then I tear up the form that actually releases me from it. But of course that opens a whole new can of worms.

You have to do the right thing for your mum, whatever that is. It is bad luck for you that you have got all the work and stress and grief - but very lucky for your mum. Your brother and sister don't sound mature enough to take care of your mum's affairs. I can't help wondering if they are jealous now of your being the "grown up" one, the "important" one, with the POA.

The only thing that I might do differently is to stop writing cheques to the nephew, etc, on behalf of your mum. Your mum is probably going to need every penny that is left over from paying off the mortgage and paying the care home fees. Care home fees are enormous, and they go up every year: I could live for three years on what it costs to keep my mother for one year in the nursing home. Your mum may well need extra things - where my mum is, dental care is an additional cost. Despite her dementia, your mum could live for several more years. My mum has been in her nursing home for four years now but she has had several small strokes and since last year she has recognised no one. The money from the sale of her flat runs out next year; at that point, we have to find out how the State will make up the fees when she no longer has the money.

Good luck.