Advice about Grandma that won't accept she needs help

Charlton_Taz

Hi everyone. I hope you can give me some advice.

My elderly grandma is now virtually housebound due to problems with her legs and I'm pretty sure it is bad enough that she can't even make it up the stairs in her house anymore. She gets meals on wheels and there is a person who comes round and cleans for her and help her wash.

I worry about her greatly. She won't leave the house (I'm pretty sure she hasn't since christmas). My dad and my uncle (her sons) bought her a scooter so she could get around but she won't use it. She won't use taxis to go and see friends. She was invited to my parents house over the last bank holiday weekend and again this weekend (my dad would obviously go and pick her up) but she comes up with excuses why she can't come (like she had a social club meeting arranged round her house...but we know these are lies when asked her sister about it). We discovered at the weekend that she had cut the cleaners hours to 1hr a week (trying to save money) and won't really let her do anything....problem is the house is really a mess. We had to badger her to buy a new washing machine and vacuum cleaner as hers were broken....she just didn't bother to use them (or let the cleaner use them).

The thing that gets me is that she is not poor and she could easily afford to make her life so much more comfortable (eg getting a stair lift or a walk-in bath etc)...but she won't. It really frustrating watching her be like this. Additionally it is really hard to keep an eye on her because unfortunatley my parents and I do live quite a long way away.

How do you get somebody to accept help??????

Sorry for rambling

claireb

There may be some underlying reason why your grandma is rejecting assistance and avoiding social situations. Its hard to say as there could be lots of reasons eg. embarrassing medical condition, depression (often goes un-noticed in the elderly). Maybe a family member who is close to her can have a one to one with her to try and understand why she behaves the way she does. There is help out there, but your grandma must want the help before it can be provided.
Good luck

ribenagirl

Oh, I do sympathise totally, my granny is exactly the same! She now lives downstairs (she won't buy a stair lift) and goes to the loo in a commode as she has refused to pay to have a small bathroom installed downstairs, despite beingricher than anyone else in the family and more than able to pay for it!! She also refuses to move to somewhere, like sheltered accommodation, where it would be much easier for her to live independently, which is ultimately her right, but it means she's only using half the house.

My parents and my aunties are tearing their hair out with her. There are a few schools of thought within the family at the moment, and I apologise if one of these sounds callous or cold but I'm just being honest about how we're thinking.

The first is that if she is more dependent and her needs are greater, she gets more attention from the family (which is true) and therefore this is why she is refusing things which would make her life easier, because she likes getting the attention. We did think first off that she was a very proud lady, but that does not explain why she is more than happy to poo in a bucket and have someone else empty it for her despite there being a more dignified alternative.

The second is that she genuinely does not want to spend the money that her and my granddad worked so hard for. We know that she always intended that money to be for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, but we have all said that we would much rather she spent it on her own comfort.

Ultimately, we've come to the conclusion that she is just very stubborn and won't entertain anything which she does not consider to be 'her idea', and therefore the more she is nagged the harder she digs her heels in - if that makes any sense?

I wish I could come up with some sound advice but truth is, we're all struggling as much as you guys are, so just wanted to offer some sympathy! Hopefully there will be someone with a solution xxx

Dora_the_Explorer_5

This is a tough one. However, clearly gran is neglecting herself which may have one of a number of causes. A family member could try talking to gran's GP about what appears to be her lack of insight into how she should be living and the bizarre financial decisions she is making. If the gp understands that the family believe gran is at risk because of her poor mobility and the fact that she lives in two storey accommodation, they may have her physical, mental health and social care needs assessed and suggest a care package. Trouble is, if gran is assessed as having capacity to make decisions about her own life then that is exactly what she will continue to do, however much the family don't agree with them.
The other option is that each family member visits her every week to help her out. This may or may not be acheivable.

jenniferpa

I don't know if this is any help, but when my own mother was in a similar situation, (unwilling to spend money on things that would help her out), a stay in a hotel with a chair lift and a shower convinced her that this was worth spending money on. Sometimes, imagining the situation isn't enough, you have to try it out.

Jennifer

margaretclare

Hi ribenagirl

Your comment about gran being a 'very proud lady' yet being 'happy to poo in a bucket and have someone else empty it for her'.

Suppose there wasn't someone conveniently available to empty poo from a bucket - she'd have to 'think the unthinkable' then i.e. spend some of that money on a downstairs loo/shower room.

I used to do that kind of work between 1992 and 1997, going away living with old people and sometimes I would do morning/evening shifts in people's own homes. But I never, never, never had to empty poo from a bucket! I think I'd have refused.

From what I've seen over the years, people should think ahead when they're reasonably fit and active, and plan for when they may not be able to do things like e.g. manage the stairs, and ideally this should be done in the 60s/early 70s. We've done a lot to this bungalow - had a proper shower unit installed, bathroom completely done out including tiled walls, garden landscaped to make it easy-care, a lot of things like that. Why people will carry on living in a house on 2 floors with no downstairs loo, when they have the funds to do something about it, I can't imagine.

You could be right - it has to be 'her own idea'.

We were on holiday last year and stayed in a farmhouse with a 'wet-room' i.e. you walked into the bathroom and into the shower, no stepping up necessary.

I've also seen tiny little shower-rooms - with modern plumbing they can go into a very small space.

Best wishes

Margaret Clare

Lillibet_2

Oh how I sympathise with this age old problem. My mum is currently going through the same thing with her 86 year old aunt. Lives in a 4 storey house but can't climb stairs, refuses meals on wheels & can't understand the microwave so lives on boiled meat & potatos & mars bars, has a home help to get her up & washed & dressed & again at bedtime but will try to get herself up/to bed & frequently falls down & can't get up again in the process.........it's so sad to see her is such a state. She has no local family, my parents are the nearest and they're 45 miles away! (and my dad has parkinsons himself) She is very dependent on the goodwill of 2 neighbours to do her shopping for her but they have their own lives & families & can't be at her beck & call. The really frustrating thing is that she went through EXACTLY the same thing with her mother 30 years ago. At present she is in a geriatric type re-habilation unit after her last fall & is enjoying have 3 lovely meals a day put in front of her, a lovely garden to lounge in, her bed made, huge modern bathrooms which she can manouver her walking frame in, as Janniferpa said sometimes showing them the alternative & that it isn't a workhouse but a fab retirement option is just the ticket. We are more confident that our aunt will agree to the kind of care that she really needs now that she has seen it for herself;)

Becles

My Grandpa was the same. He was living in a small town, had lost his wife (who did all the cooking, washing and cleaning) and most of his friends had died.

Eventually we told him he was moving to the town where he lived most of his life and he had no choice about it!

We managed to get him a sheltered housing flat, so although he lived and coped on his own, there was still a warden there to keep an eye day to day. We organised rotas in the family to do his washing and cleaning.

The church he attended for many years were told he was moving back and he was welcomed back among old friends. They sorted him out with various old peoples lunch clubs and stuff, and we made a rota to provide hot meals on the days he didn't have any activities planned.

After all the complaining about moving and him saying he didn't want to go, once he settled in he realised we were right all along

He lived a very happy few years until he died of old age, and I'm glad we forced him into moving when we did.

It's a risk, but if you make arrangements to change things and tell Grandma what is happening, she might accept it more than letting her sort things out herself.

Charlton_Taz

Thank you all for your replies. It seems many of you are also struggling with frustrating elderly relatives. I hope she makes the right choice eventually and I hope it doesn’t have to reach the stage when she is so ill she has no choice anymore. I think we will try and get a doctor to speak to her again….though even this could be a bit of a struggle as she has lied to doctors before on how she is feeling, and when social services came to assess her house last year (this was after she had been released from hospital after a fall she had) she wouldn’t let them in the house!

If I’m honest, I wish she would move into some sort of sheltered accommodation / care home as she will get the care she needs and will have a lot more social interaction and things to do. She had a stay in one for a couple of months last year (part of her recovery after leaving hospital from the fall) and she seemed to really enjoy it…..talked loads about people she talked to there and the activities they did etc. Since she has moved back home again though she seems to not even entertain the idea of living where someone can help care for her. I can sort of understand why. She has lived in her house for the last 65 years (and most of that with my granddad who died 13 years ago) so I can imagine it would be a huge thing to leave all that. But as it is currently she currently chooses to live in a situation which she can make better but refuses to…argh!!! I shall try and find somewhere I can take her to show her a walk-in bath etc…that is a good idea I hadn’t thought of….otherwise we will try to get her to make her life more comfortable….but as you say it is up to her…and I know that…I’d imagine I would also get well hacked off if my relatives were telling me what to do all the time!! I think we may try and get her sister to talk to her more about it to. Her sister is 83 herself and goes round about once a week to get her some shopping / go to the bank for her etc……maybe she will listen to her.

Thanks everybody.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

I’d imagine I would also get well hacked off if my relatives were telling me what to do all the time!!

You're very welcome. You make a good point; remember what it was like as a teenager when all the adult rellys told us what to do and what we were doing wrong !