what would you do... family rift and illness

brians_daughter

I will try and make this short

my grandmother and I have not spoken for 18 months. which is down to her, not her age, or her mind just the fact she is stubborn and sometimes nasty - she has been like this all her life,she is now ill. shes just come out of a short stay in hospital and as far as my parents can make out things dont look great for her.

My grandmother has told me she will not apologise for her past behaviour that caused us to fall out, so in turn i said i didnt wish to speak with her until she did. When i collected a family member from her home the other week she told me not to park on the front of her house as it was reserved for family...and i was no longer her family

My parents asked me yesterday to consider going to see her. so i did do. I knocked several times, loudly and could see her sat in her living room. She saw me, i am 99% sure she saw me and I *think* i heard her go to the front door to see who it was (she has a spy hole thingy) Anyway, next thing the TV gets turned up... I knocked again and again and she didnt answer. I then called from my mobile outside, I saw her look at the caller ID and didnt answer the call

I rang my parents and said i had been around to see her but she didnt answer the door and left it at that...My father has called her and she has told him no one has been around or phoned the house and i am liar!!My parents say it is because she is confussed..or she didnt hear/see me... i can asure you (as can my aunt who is a practicing nurse who looks after the elderly) that she is not confussed, although she does try to play on this when you question her about something she isnt comfortable speaking about

They are begging me to go around again to see her, as they fear she has little time left to live.But, i have been, i have knocked, i have rung - she has chosen to ignore my call and knocking and then lie about it...They are asking me to call around again later.. If i did i would only be doing it for my parents - not for me or my grandmother.

The things that have gone on seem to be forgotten 12 months ago by everyone but me - she never apologised to any of them. I cant simply forgive and forget as things were said repeatedly that hurt me to my core, my grandmother later admitted to my brother she said them with the sole intention of hurting me - I was 7 months pregnant at the time and i went into prem labour due to the stress of it all

what would you do?

Pollycat

Old people can be very stubborn, rude and arrogant.

It sounds to me like she uses her age to be rude to people.

If you want your parents to see that this old woman is lying about you going to see her, I would get them to go with you and either your Mum or
Dad (whoever is not her child IYSWIM) have the kids for a short while.

If she is rude to you to your face during the visit, you can say 'I did try'.

That's the way I would deal with this.

jackieb

How do you feel about it? Do you want to visit her if she has no intention of apologising?

I know how stubborn some folk are and if they're older, people sometimes make the excuse that it's their age. Has your grandmother always been vindictive?

Can you go visit with your parents? Then she'd have to let you in. If she didn't then your parents would see how she's behaving.

LJM

id have to say please dont stress any more,you have tried and it is her loss imo.i also agree that if you are determined to get her to acknowledge you go visit with your mum etc she cant very well ignore you then

Oldernotwiser

Your grandmother is obviously very old and you may not be around for long.

Whatever the rights or wrongs of the situation, don't you think that it would be best for everyone (yourself included) to be the bigger person and to make your peace with her? As you say, you're the only memeber of your family who hasn't been prepared to do this.

Old people often revert to childish behaviour but there's really no excuse for you to behave in the same way.

Do what's needed and bring your family back together for the last period of her life; if nothing else, think how badly your parents must feel about your attitude.

jackieb

ONW, the OP has tried to visit but her grandmother ignored her and wouldn't answer her phone.

Sometimes people are nasty and never change. If her grandmother doesn't want to play ball then I don't think it's worth getting stressed over.

caevans

Hi, Sounds like you have done your very best. I would suggest as others have done, that you visit with your parents, not on your own. She sounds like a stubborn, bitter old lady. Go see her, make your parents happy and smile and pretend everything is fine. She will be dead and gone soon, so just go along with her behaviour, even if it is rude!! (speaking from experience here!).

brians_daughter

I have tried on 4 occassions to speak with her about the situation in the 18 months we have not spoken. She refuses to speak to me saying she will never apologise and I am not her grand daughter.

She has always been the same she has 7 brothers and sisters and none of them speak with her as she has been/can be really nasty about people. ie she told my mum (6 months after) my dad had a heart attack that my mum was the reason why he alomst died and he was probably better off dead than living with my mum - this wasnt said in the heat of the moment - it was said around Sunday lunch one day!!

I would like to see her to please my parents really - just to go round, take her some casserole or whatever have a chat and end with 'if ever you need me you have my number' type situation

ONW my parents do not think badly of my attitude.. infact my mum has just said to me on the phone that they know i have been and i have tried my best. that she just wanted to warn me there wasnt much hope and i may want to see her.

brians_daughter

Thanks guys, well I am going to go later with my aunt then my parents can have the kids. At least I am with someone else, and if she doesnt want to see me then i accept that. I just dont want my parents anymore upset than they have been already the past few days

Pollycat

Wishing you good luck, but don't be too upset if it desn't work out.
You'll have done your best, and that's all you can do.

Oldernotwiser

brians_daughter wrote: »

ONW my parents do not think badly of my attitude.. infact my mum has just said to me on the phone that they know i have been and i have tried my best. that she just wanted to warn me there wasnt much hope and i may want to see her.

I didn't mean to imply that your parents feel badly about you, just about how upset they must feel over a rift between two of the most important people in their world.

Why not drop her a note in a little card and see if this helps at all.