Advice needed please to reconcile with Mum

BonandDom

Hi,

To cut a (very) long story short, my Mum and I fell out about 3 years ago, and apart from the occassional meet to drop off/pick up DD we have not seen/spoke to each other since.

I did try some time ago to put things right, she came to drop DD off after a few days stay - she lives the other side of the country - I gave her a hug, some flowers, apologised and handed her some home made casserole, ready to heat up when they got back. (I had already previously asked them to stay for tea/overnight but it was refused). No hug back, no thank you, no reconciliation.

I came to the conclusion that life was too short to worry about it and I had my DH, DD, 3 dogs, full time work and helping DH set up his business.

Trouble is I haven't stopped thinking about it, I suppose with Christmas coming up soon, and this had always been a family occassion, DD getting older (as I am:D).

Any suggestions on what to do please?

foxy-roxy

Well i think you have been really mature so far in making the first step, so i would say it is down to your mum now, depending if she does want to reconcile.
I don't know what you fell out over but it must of either been very bad or your mum is very stubborn (like my mum).

BonandDom

I think stubborness is on both sides to be fair:o

Some time ago I was going through a bad patch with OH, nothing serious but just fed up with feeling like general dogsbody all the time. Tried to talk to Mum about it and she told me to "grow up". Then said that she had never felt comfortable coming to our house.

This was what particularly annoyed me as I used to spend hours scrubbing the place and cooking something I hoped they would have really like. In other words making a real effort to have it thrown back in my face.:mad:

TBH we have never been a loving mother & daughter act, I was a bit of a cow when I was younger and felt that she always favoured my younger sister (even to this day).

But I have always tried.

NAR

What about a letter to her setting this all out. Say you are really sorry that your relationship has become so distant and that you would like to resolve this positively.
Ask her how she feels and what she thinks you need to do to put things right.
Tell her you are concerned that as your DD gets older she will pick up on the vibes, which you feel will be very bad for the child long term.
I wish you every success.

Pollycat

If I were you, I'd give it one more try to make up with your Mum.

How long ago was it that you 'tried to put things right' with her?
It wasn't very nice of her not to accept the olive branch you offered her, but maybe you took her by surprise and she didn't really know what to say.

Did she say why she felt uncomfortable in your house?
Do you have pets that maybe she's not used to?
Could it be your OH (if you have one) who made her uncomfortable?
Did the journey tire her and make her feel 'out of sorts' generally?

I think that the older people get, the more stubborn they are.

It's a pity that you are geogrpahically apart so it's hard to have a face-to-face chat, but if you're not likely to see her soon, how about writing a letter, expressing your feelings and hopes.

If you ring her, it's harder to keep emotions in check and you both may end up saying something that you regret.

I do hope that you can sort this out between you - it would be good for your daughter too.
But if she rejects you again, at least you will know where you stand and have the knowledge that you tried your best.

BonandDom

Pollycat wrote: »

If I were you, I'd give it one more try to make up with your Mum.

How long ago was it that you 'tried to put things right' with her? Over 12 months ago now!
It wasn't very nice of her not to accept the olive branch you offered her, but maybe you took her by surprise and she didn't really know what to say.

Did she say why she felt uncomfortable in your house? - no, and tbh honest I was so surpised by the comment I didn't at the time ask her
Do you have pets that maybe she's not used to? - Not at the time we didn't, unfortunately we do know have a rotty (soft !!!! that he is) and she would not be happy around him, but we are all more than happy to put him in the utility room during her stay - where he normally stays with the other dogs when they are wet and stinky after thier walk.
Could it be your OH (if you have one) who made her uncomfortable? I don't think so, they have always got on really well, and Mum stuck up for him when I was having a 'moan' about him - thats when she told me to grow up
Did the journey tire her and make her feel 'out of sorts' generally? - this is very possible

I think that the older people get, the more stubborn they are.

It's a pity that you are geogrpahically apart so it's hard to have a face-to-face chat, but if you're not likely to see her soon, how about writing a letter, expressing your feelings and hopes.

If you ring her, it's harder to keep emotions in check and you both may end up saying something that you regret.

I do hope that you can sort this out between you - it would be good for your daughter too.
But if she rejects you again, at least you will know where you stand and have the knowledge that you tried your best.

Thank you for this, I will definately take the letter route.

I have been putting together a couple of themed hampers for her christmas present, one of which is "things I remember from my childhood about you" - contains things like her favourite bubble bath, a bottle of "Crusha" milkshake etc etc. I was going to write out some rembered memories, maybe put the letter in there instead?

LJM

you have been mature about it and you did everything you could if she does not want to reconcile then that is her loss not yours,my relationship with my mum isnt the greatest and i think if it wasnt for my girls i probably wouldnt see her as much as i do,yet i cant keep them away from their nanny as it not their fault we dont get on. sorry if i sound out of line but i personally would have thought she could make more of an effort for her grandchilds sake

Pollycat

BonandDom wrote: »

Thank you for this, I will definately take the letter route.

I have been putting together a couple of themed hampers for her christmas present, one of which is "things I remember from my childhood about you" - contains things like her favourite bubble bath, a bottle of "Crusha" milkshake etc etc. I was going to write out some rembered memories, maybe put the letter in there instead?

What a lovely thoughtful thing to do. :T
The only problem is that you may put a lot of thought and effort into her present, only for her to reject it - but I hope not.

I've also seen your replies to my post, maybe she was just having an 'off' day and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The thing is, some people can convince themselves they were in the right even if they weren't.
Or maybe she's now ashamed that she behaved as she did to you when you tried to make things up and is worried that if she says she wants to be friends, you will treat her the same way.

I'm painting your MUM with a lot of good character traits that she may not have, but I do hope that she sees sense and puts what's already past behind her.

Pee

I don't have any good advice, because I'm in much the same position - over my Mum not accepting my OH, and trying to control my life with regard to boyfriends for years.

I did want to say that reading what you wrote about the Christmas hamper so touched me, real tears in the eyes... and also that she was dropping off your DD, which sounds to me like whatever your problems you have put your daughter first and allowed them to have a relationship, which is the right thing to do, but I'm impressed because I have so rarely seen it done. Bless you.

I think whatever the result, it is worth it for you to try, and might be helpful if you could acknowledge your faults as a teenager etc.

My Mum sometimes tries to hug me, which is very strange as we've never been a huggy family and I don't hug friends... I think she probably feels that I pull away, and I do a bit, but mostly because it hurts so much and I don't want to cry in front of her... I always have to put on an act that I don't care, so that she can see that she can't get to me... although of course she can.

BonandDom

You've made me cry now:D

Seriously, thank you for your comments - makes me feel better , I had started doubting myself.

Pollycat

Pee wrote: »

My Mum sometimes tries to hug me, which is very strange as we've never been a huggy family and I don't hug friends... I think she probably feels that I pull away, and I do a bit, but mostly because it hurts so much and I don't want to cry in front of her... I always have to put on an act that I don't care, so that she can see that she can't get to me... although of course she can.

Pee
By behaving out of character (and hugging you), maybe your Mum is trying to show you she's sorry for the way she's treated you but can't actually bring herself to say the words.