Mourning loss of a friend

Westwardho_2

Hi there,

Sorry about your loss.

I have to say when an old friend/flame of mine died a few years ago I found it very difficult to talk to my other half about it because he was of the opinion that if our relationship had only been brief (like three dates) then why did I care so much!

In the end this brought up loads of horrible feelings about jealousy, trust and history that I really didn't need. So I became upset about all of this on top of being sad about my old friends death. And, of course, our frequent arguing about the subject upset my other half as well as me. So there was much more sadness around than there needed to be!

I wished I had never bothered to bring it up with my other half because of all of the hassle that it caused for us.

Obviously your other half is a different person and there's no way of saying that they will react in the same way but don't put yourself or your other half through unnecessary heartache. Speak about your grief with someone who knew the guy and with whom there is little risk of other negative emotions coming into the picture.

Sorry again for your loss. I know its very cliched but time really is the best healer!! :-)

sarymclary

Hi Jo_R,

I'm really sorry for your loss. Firstly, how you are feeling is perfectly normal, so don't worry about that. Everyone deals with bereavement in their own way, and you can't plan for it. It's a bit like childbirth, we all seem to think we know how it should go, but when it comes down to it, it all seems totally beyond our control, and we end up doing what comes naturally.

My husband died a few months after we separated, totally unexpectedly. I was by that time involved in a new, serious relationship, and my ex hadn't been too complimentary about my new OH, so their wasn't any love lost between them. However, I was naturally devastated about the death of my husband, as we weren't even divorced at this point, despite the wheels being in motion to get that far. So, I was also still his next of kin, and had financial ties, etc. that you have.

I felt just like you did, my ex had fallen out with lots of our mutual friends, and his own family blamed our split for his death (it wasn't, but hey ho), so I hadn't really got anyone to speak to who felt the same, deep grief I did, apart from our children, but I was trying to stay strong for their benefit, and maintain a semblance of normality for them.

I admit I completely imploded at the funeral, when the reality finally hit home, but afterwards, when I had to carry on with life, I found the best way to 'cope' was to pretend that he was away on business, so that I didn't have to contemplate the fact I wasn't going to see him again.

Whatever coping mechanism you find gets you through will be perfectly fine. Time eventually eases the pain. I am sure when you get the chance to chat to your sister, and meet his family/friends at the funeral you will feel much better.

Take care.

LameWolf

Didn't want to read and run.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. A very dear friend of my husband and myself (in fact, the guy who got us together) died two years ago this weekend. I only really took in that it was "really happening" when I saw his coffin disappear behind the curtain at the crematorium.

Allow yourself all the feelings; try and talk to someone else who knew your friend, so you can call up shared memories of him; it'll get easier - you'll find eventually you can think about the good memories with a smile on your face, but for now, let yourself grieve.

I don't know what else I can add, other than to say that I'm very sorry for your loss.

Jo_R_2

Thank you again for sharing your stories and advice.

I took the step of talking to my OH yesterday, I wasn't sure how to approach it, but I could tell he could see I was sad and he was taking the 'jokey' approach, trying to be funny to cheer me up - I appreciate what he was trying to do in his own little way but I couldn't stand it so I just said could he be a little more understanding as I was feeling sad.

He was great about it, kept asking if I wanted to talk, how did I feel etc, and gave me hugs. We had a massive chat after tea about anything and everything to do with friends 'leaving us' (hard to say the real words), a completely through-provoking conversation about energies and what happens to someone's energy when they die, why people meet, and my main thing was what purpose do different people (ie friends rather than family) play in your life, particularly looking back into your life after a friend has died and working out what part they played in your life.

I think my friend taught me a lot about relationships, forgiveness and tolerance. He was never afraid to be himself, was totally charismatic because of it, even if at times quite annoying!

I think the funeral will be a huge step and not really sure what to expect but think it will help.

cloverfan

i didnt want to read and run but i dont know what to say as i am lucky to not have been in your situation b4, but i wish you well and i do believe time heals x

Mely

I wanted to send you a big hug and say that what you are feeling is completely normal.
Mel xxXxx

Pee

I'm really glad you could talk to your OH about it. Well done him for coming through.

Jo_R_2

Sorry to hear of your loss Mely x