Mourning loss of a friend

Jo_R_2

Just wanted to ask how people have coped with the death of a friend.

An old friend of mine died suddenly at the weekend. We had a bit of a convoluted history as we originally dated, realised we weren't suited and became good friends instead.

I feel numb inbetween feeling sad; I keep thinking it's actually a big joke and we'll turn up at his funeral and he'll be there. I hope that doesn't sound flippant but I am finding it really hard to believe - is that crazy?

I am also finding it difficult because he was an old flame and am finding it hard to talk about my feelings with OH because I don't want him to think there was anything more to the friendship iyswim... Like it's inappropriate to feel sad because of our history even though we were friends. OH knew of him but didn't know him personally as said friend was from way back. I am craving someone to talk to about my friend, someone who knew him too to help with this but the closest person is my sister who is away at the moment - luckily she is back soon and she was friends with him too so am hoping we can talk.

Sorry probably not explaining myself very well but wondered how people cope when this happens? I feel like there is a gap in my life now that will always stay like that.

KiWi13

didnt want to read and run - just wanted to say first of all sorry for your loss (big hug) and that everyone deals with death in their own way. there is no right or wrong way to deal with it.
I personally try to remember all the good times that was had with them and if I feel sad then realise that its ok to be upset - you were close to them no matter what your relationship was and I'm sure your OH would understand that.
I wish you all the best.

mountainofdebt

I think the fact that the death was unexpected has made the sense of loss all the more acute - illness tends to give us time to prepare for death.

To be honest I would talk to your OH about it, he knows of the friendship after all and wasn't threatened by it; he may even wonder why you aren't talking about your friend.

newlywed

If you can't talk about it, write it down. Write how you feel, good and bad. Doesn't matter if no-one sees it, if you destroy it after.

That's what I did to try and get some of the mix of anger and sadness out of me at my Dad's sudden death.

I just sat and wrote the things I loved about him and the things that made me angry, my regrets. I felt like I'd unburdened myself, without having to cause anyone else in the family pain by discussing the negative feelings I had


Is there something appropriate you can do to remember him by? Plan to plant something new in your garden in the spring? Go somewhere that reminds you of him? Eat something that brings memories of them?

Recently I've driven to places, I've eaten cakes and pies and things, things that remind me of my dad. You get a mixture of happy memories and sadness but somehow that helps.

Jo_R_2

Thanks, esp. newlywed. I am lucky in that I have a stack of letters, cards etc he wrote over the years. I haven't gotten them out but I suspect the box will be opened up where they are soon to have a look through.

I have corresponded with his OH and she is pleased that I should be coming to the funeral which is a weight off my mind. She was so lovely and gracious and even said how my friend spoke of me often which was sweet; I can't imagine how she must be feeling.

I just don't know what is 'normal' to feel when this happens. Do other people have that sense of disbelief? I feel mad writing it down and reading it back but I feel like I won't truly believe it is real until I have been to the funeral - almost like he could still be with us really.

I am also questioning relationships and thinking a lot about my life and the people in it; like how I got to where I am, where my friend has played his part in that, what would have happened if we'd continued going out... It has no reflection at all on my OH whom I love just as much as ever, I just know that my friend was for a long time very fond of me and I feel so guilty for things not working out as he had hoped many years ago even though we got through that and were good friends. I just don't want my OH to think me feeling sad is any reflection on how I feel about him because it isn't; it's just me missing my friend.

I hope no one minds me posting, it's just that my mind is going round and round at the moment and have no one here to talk to.

NAR

I agree with mountainofdebt, I would talk to OH about it. You have lost a friend whom you have known for many years (male or female shouldn't matter) and you are feeling the loss. This happened a while ago to an old flame of my OH's. I didn't know him, but I knew she at the time was very close to him. She was devastated by his death and I accepted why it was such a loss to her and tried to be as comforting as I could. I'm sure your other half will be too.

LJM

sorry for your loss,i lost my grandad a while back and felt comforted by having his piccies and things he had given me over the years out and around me,i did cope quite badly but having these items around helped make me feel he was still around in some way

newlywed

Disbelief is normal.

See this for a list of reactions:
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/about_bereavement.htm

Some of these free leaflets helped me - even the ones aimed at kids were helpful:

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/free_leaflets.html

SemperFi

I miss my friend a great deal. We didn't have a lot to do with each other toward the end, he'd moved to London, but I have some fantastic memories of our years growing up and turning into adults (mainly drunken adults, but hey). He took his own life and it hurts that he didn't talk to any of us about his torment.

Pee

Disbelief is def normal. I have had this happen twice, both quite recently.

The first was my ex who I had some difficult times with but we had managed to stay friends. He was also an old friend of my boyfriends and we had both been to stay with him a few weeks before he died. Not only was I expecting him to turn up at the funeral saying it was a joke, his brother who I hadn't seen for a couple of years turned up looking just like him - I'd never noticed the resemblance before.

The other, we sort of got together and then stayed friends. My boyfriend hardly knew him and doesn't know that we did get together, we've just never discussed it or rather, we have discussed it and he doesn't want to know any more, but he died recently and I couldn't get to the funeral. It really helped that there were a couple of other mutual aquaintances I could text a bit, and I wrote a letter to his Dad, which I know he would have wanted.

I think when someone is part of your current circle, or lives closer to you, you have more of a chance to discuss how you are feeling.

With my ex, my boyfriend was genuinely also upset - it was a bit of a shock despite his problems, so it really helped to have someone to talk to.

I think it's awkward as it's hard to know what your place is, as so many people don't keep on good terms with ex's/ move on to have a real friendship.

Thinking about you.

pinkshoes

Someone who I had very strong feelings for died of cancer when I was 22 (he was also 22). There was only 5 months between diagnosis and death, so it came as quite a shock. What was worse was I never had the guts to tell him how I felt.

I struggled to understand why someone so amazing could die like that, but eventually got over the numbness by turning the sadness into a positive, realising life was too short to waste it, and using his death as motivation to succeed in life (i.e. work hard and pass my degree).

I too couldn't talk to anyone, as I kept my feelings for him a secret.