separated after 4 weeks of marriage

plimsoll

whose word do you have that his ex-wives were abusive? Is it just his or someone objective enough to trust their opinion? (many abusive men say - & in fact even think - that they were the one abused, but on the other hand men are abused too so without actually knowing him I don't know which it is...). I've read the book but just started doing the course too & have found it so helpful actually have the discussions with others around course not just reading the book. If you do meet someone else make sure you read again the "early warning signs" - looking back so many of them were there!

Given your previous mental health problems (& by sounds of it not "worked" since) I wonder if it's possible you might be able to get ESA (new name for IB) as opposed to JSA but you'd have to talk to an advisor about it, either way you need to contact JC+ asap or they may not backdate benefit.

fawd1

zztopgirl wrote: »

I think I already know its over and that I will never trust another man again. I have tried to make it work but as I told him yesterday, I cant single-handledly save this marriage unless he wants to make an effort too, which he seems reluctant to do so. We have sought counselling earlier this year for our issues and ended up making a complaint against the counsellor (I had a thread on mse about it at the time) but it has put us both off going for counselling again.

We have brilliant communication and can sit and talk for hours, but there are just too many issues for this to be workable. I have some good self-help books and we started doing some tasks/exercises but it seemed to end up in another argument. I know there is an easy solution, that we call time-out, but I cant carry on living with the constant snipes, put downs, walking on eggshells, being too stressed to eat or sleep properly.

Ok, not wanting to be disrespectful to your situation, and I'm sure I will get shot down in flames for this, but I'm not sure that I would quantify 1 month of marriage as having really tried. At the end of the day, marriage is supposed to be for life, and whilst I'm not suggesting for one second that someone should stay in an abusive relationship, it seems to me that you and your husband seem to be in the same boat in regards to emotional baggage. Do you not think that maybe spending less time concentrating on your problems with each other and more time having some of your great long chats would be more beneficial? I know that there are times when I've decided to not bring a problem up because actually, the argument and grief that goes (sometimes) with being proved right, or apologised to, is so much more hassle than the problem is worth. So, I guess what I'm saying is, maybe to really give it a try you and your husband should try for 2 weeks say to just be nice to each other, even if you have to grit your teeth sometimes. We all have to grit our teeth sometimes with our partners, it's called compromise. At the end of the day I would rather be able to spend my evenings with the man I love and who loves me than always be right in an argument. You're never going to see eye to eye in everything, no one ever does, and at the end of the day, for me at least, being happy is worth more than being right.

Nessynoo

If he is coming round tomorrow to pick up his stuff, please make sure you have someone else with you. Friend or family?
If you can bear it, gather his stuff up in one place, so it speeds things up. Wishing you well. The future will be brighter.

Oldernotwiser

Nessynoo wrote: »

If he is coming round tomorrow to pick up his stuff, please make sure you have someone else with you. Friend or family?

That's really going to help a married couple communicate at a difficult time, isn't it?

Whitewillow_2

I have to agree with fawd1.
While Ive only been married for 10 months, some of it has been far from perfect, but i think people are too quick to back out from it. I married for life, I loved him before we were married, and it would take more than a month, regardless of how awful it was for that love to disappear. (and i have experience of both physically and mentally abusive relationships in the past so do know what its like)

vpb23

Sorry but I disagree with fawd1. I was in a similiar position with slight differences but the abuse was there. I married my partner after 1 1/2 years and we had a 6 month son together. The abuse just got worse and worse, started out as verbal and i would feel rubbish about myself and cry at the things he said to me, and then it progressed to not being able to go out, and physical. I never really told anyone and was determined to stick at it as I didnt want to be seen to not trying to make the marriage work. I was with him for 4 1/2 years and married for 3 of these. In the last year i never went out, we argued most nights and he even threw a knife at me, yet i still tried and tried. Came to a head one night and I couldnt cope anymore when i split up from him and chucked him out, he still came home tho , thinking i was gonna change my mind and then turned nasty when he realised i was serious. After this id a really hard time and he came round one night, and ended up being arrested for gbh and smashing my car window....and was charged.

So as much as i agree at making a marriage work, I dont in this instance because things are not going to improve, and i wished id taken the step far sooner than i did.

Oldernotwiser

vpb23 wrote: »

Sorry but I disagree with fawd1. I was in a similiar position with slight differences but the abuse was there. I married my partner after 1 1/2 years and we had a 6 month son together. The abuse just got worse and worse, started out as verbal and i would feel rubbish about myself and cry at the things he said to me, and then it progressed to not being able to go out, and physical. I never really told anyone and was determined to stick at it as I didnt want to be seen to not trying to make the marriage work. I was with him for 4 1/2 years and married for 3 of these. In the last year i never went out, we argued most nights and he even threw a knife at me, yet i still tried and tried. Came to a head one night and I couldnt cope anymore when i split up from him and chucked him out, he still came home tho , thinking i was gonna change my mind and then turned nasty when he realised i was serious. After this id a really hard time and he came round one night, and ended up being arrested for gbh and smashing my car window....and was charged.

So as much as i agree at making a marriage work, I dont in this instance because things are not going to improve, and i wished id taken the step far sooner than i did.

That might be true in an abusive relationship but that doesn't seem to be the case here, even if the OP uses the word.

Whitewillow_2

vpb23 wrote: »

Sorry but I disagree with fawd1. I was in a similiar position with slight differences but the abuse was there. I married my partner after 1 1/2 years and we had a 6 month son together. The abuse just got worse and worse, started out as verbal and i would feel rubbish about myself and cry at the things he said to me, and then it progressed to not being able to go out, and physical. I never really told anyone and was determined to stick at it as I didnt want to be seen to not trying to make the marriage work. I was with him for 4 1/2 years and married for 3 of these. In the last year i never went out, we argued most nights and he even threw a knife at me, yet i still tried and tried. Came to a head one night and I couldnt cope anymore when i split up from him and chucked him out, he still came home tho , thinking i was gonna change my mind and then turned nasty when he realised i was serious. After this id a really hard time and he came round one night, and ended up being arrested for gbh and smashing my car window....and was charged.

So as much as i agree at making a marriage work, I dont in this instance because things are not going to improve, and i wished id taken the step far sooner than i did.

Completly different situation, and I applaud you for your courage, and coming out the other end, but with all due respect the OP situation is nowhere near as extreme as yours was. They are arguing and not having sex, EVERY relationship goes through this at some point, yikes some couples go for years without it, yet stay together.

Oldernotwiser

Whitewillow wrote: »

Completly different situation, and I applaud you for your courage, and coming out the other end, but with all due respect the OP situation is nowhere near as extreme as yours was. They are arguing and not having sex, EVERY relationship goes through this at some point, yikes some couples go for years without it, yet stay together.

And it does not constitute abuse!

[Deleted User]

Married one month and you're splitting up - seriously. Is this a wind up?

Not being funny but maybe you should have thought about it a bit before marrying the fella.